10 Oct


Week 1 (09/10/10)

X Factor: Cancelling Christmas since 2004!

Welcome to the dark side of the blog where I talk somewhat ravenously about the X Factor shows.

Well let’s get started..it’s quite late already. Welcome to my X Factor blog – you already show beautiful tolerance!
That was 2 and a half hours of our lives that will never return to us, even with Sky Plus.  BUT I DON’T WANT IT BACK – DEATH WILL NOW BE A MUCH SIMPLER ENDEAVOUR COMPARED TO WHAT I JUST WITNESSED ON ITV. Let’s go through the performances, the tears, the triumphs, and the helmets.


Death Spot, innit. So FYD are one of Simon’s lot. One of the ineffectual groups who you may (May…) remember from Boot Camp, for doing a delightful little dance – complete with synchronized slides. Now they are up on stage doing a song that teenagers will have heard of ‘off of Radio 1′ or something. Whatever it is – they change the lyrics a little to give some cheeky little asides to the judges, and whatnot. As you can imagine it’s pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, they’re up against 2 hours worth of tabloid beef – and Tesco Mary, so I believe they will be in danger tomorrow evening. If we ever manage to live through the notoriously long Sunday results show, which could be whisked up in about 2 minutes – but instead will be drawn out for well over an hour. ITV have lots more LEDs to use after all. And Joe Mcelderberry is coming in, so hush universe.  Hastily sliding back to topic – FYD were pretty forgettable. Sorry guys. Hugs?


Before we began the lives – Matt Cardle (Cardie) came into the competition as the favourite to win. So why the proverbial heck has Dannii put him on first out of her boys? Matt comes on stage, with his hat – but sadly no cardie. Which ruins my very funny joke about him clearly. He sings a song that I think Kelly Rowland sang (Christ, I’m 21 and I don’t know music anymore.) and yes – of course he sings it very well. With passion, bit of an odd song choice for him – I expected him to be singing 90s indie. And by 90s indie – I mean X Factor Indie. X Factor Indie is a little different – it mainly consists of Athlete’s Wires, and anything Coldplay. Maybe a bit of Travis – but that was more Fame Academy. He sings beautifully – he seems a lovely chap. He’ll be safe for now, but he’ll need some less drossy song choices.


John who? CHER? What? Is the main reaction people will have to John, (From Louis’ group this year). Although after being the ‘only normal one’ from the over 28′s group at the Judges houses – he has made it into our final..*splutter* 16. That’s alot of Blimeys. John is good though – a talented, confident performer, with years of experience behind him. Which of course in the world of X Factor means absolutely nothing. X Factor talent, as we all know is measured in inches of hair. He’s up for the chop for tomorrow. But may I just mention how lovely nice and good he is? No? Chergamuchergamu. Oh he sings a Mariah Carey song, by the way. Well I guess someone had to. Some slight Judges ruckus occurs when it turns out it doesn’t fit the Week’s Theme criteria – which is Number One songs. It was Number One in New Zealand. I wonder if it was in Gummo.


Ah Rebecca – who has 4 words in her vocabulary: Confidence, kids, confidence, and…no. It must just be three. I must have a funny way of showing it, but I adore this lady. With her little pearls and smart black evening gowns, she’s a little Scouse Audrey Hepburn. If you’ll excuse the massive juxtaposition. From first audition – she was the only name that was being pumped furiously into my Youtube search engine. She sings Teardrop to perfect – and her voice is so delightful and gravitates way above a lot of the others I think. She has a great song choice, but I fear Cheryl doesn’t get her as much as she ‘gets’ Cher and Katie – which might be a little bit of a problem later down the line. Oh and by the way! Apparently Cheryl ‘loves those’ Scousers. In case anyone was wondering. Top trending Twitter topic during the X Factor lives this evening was ‘Tangoed’ – regarding Cheryl’s appearance. Oh, stop it you rapscallions. Lest we forget – she climbed a big mountain once.


Oh, Storm. Storm – with your…otherworldly red locks. I’m only around 40% sure if I haven’t just made him up. I don’t quite know what to say about Storm, because he glows to such magnificent proportions that he renders my brain signals into stasis. He sings We Built this City by Starship – and the evening really is shaping up to be ‘Wankjarred off Singstar’ night. He is quite a good singer, if you like that whole husky power chord Bryan Adams thing. ….Hello?


Belle Amie – one of the put together groups by Simon – alongside ‘One Direction’, who at least have a slightly better band name. They are all fun and nice and pretty obviously, and dead behind the eyes. Which makes them perfect for the next big girl band crown – especially as Nadine is probably going to murder the rest of Girls Aloud pretty soon. Their performance of Aeroplanes? Meh. Proper meh. I mean – I’m not entirely sure they’re singing in tune. In fact, lo and behold! They sound a little lacklustre. But they’re all very pretty – and if the tabloids can successfully give them personalities and one word nicknames – they could do well. Or not. Whatever. Simon likes them. But Simon likes a lot of peculiar entities.


The Daily Mail’s new bitch, ladies and gents – please ‘turn your swag on’ for Cher Lloyd. You may have heard of her. She has featured in ‘the news’ quite a lot recently. It is scary of course when you notice the comparisons between her and Cheryl, I do genuinely think she was cloned for the show, as a birthday present to Cheryl from Simon or something. Alongside 19 gold cars. She practically has the same name as her. And the same eyes. It’s all very upsetting – basically. She sings a song with a rap in it, and gives it lots of ‘that’. Or whatever it is these kids do nowadays. She wasn’t that great. She sings a bit like a dolphin. The judges tell her she’s amazing. You can almost hear Gamu’s tears hammering down on her Easyjet ticket.


Oh fuck. Yes. Thankyou life – thankyou Buddah. Diva Fever are Simon’s WILD CARD choice – and they are basically incredible. In a sort of – backstreet of Canal Street kind of way of course. Pink shorts, stripping, glitter, sassy looks. It was everything you expected – and I can’t not love it. I can’t – it’s just too shiny. Dannii gives an unusual comment – where she says the pair’s performance would be great to have on a Christmas album compliation. This is after they have sung a song called ‘Sunny’.  But nonetheless they go down a storm (lee?). They also look a little as if they tried to scrape the bottom of Cheryl’s fake tan bottle out for their performance, and ended up missing the majority of their limbs. Shrug. They’re still A-MAZING.


Another Wildcard Choice (This one being Dannii’s) is good ol’ Paije – who also had a bit of a hard time getting this far. Paije is ridiculously loveable – and is channelling Kenan and Kel/Fresh Prince of Belair in his outfit this evening. HE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. He sings Killing me Softly. Which kind of works. But he looks a little as if he’s having to shake out the notes by the end of the song. I want this for Paije, but I fear he’ll get shadowed by the opposition. But he’s such a loveable lovey love.


Oh fuck off Topshop. Fuck off Katie Legacy. Fuck off Lola Fontaine. Katie is singing We are the Champions, and is wearing a big helmet – which is the biggest discrimination against ‘coloured plastic’  since George Clooney’s nipples in Batman and Robin. She pretends to play a floating keyboard, and then sings and eventually completes a song. I tried to like her once, but she pisses me off to obscene levels.  Simon tries to defend her, it doesn’t work. She says something knobish, and then leaves. Urban Outfitters Sale proceeds go up 1000% – and I hate the world a little more. And then someone says the word ‘quirky’. And I cry softly.


Or as you know her – Tesco Mary. Dawn French makeover has been hastily tossed aside in favour of Cheryl-facelift hair instead this evening. She sings This is a Man’s world. BRILLIANTLY, MIGHT I ADD. I don’t buy into all this Susan Boyle comparison – possibly because Mary knows how to button up a blouse. She is utterly magnificent, and sings with all the sass and vigour you would expect.  The audience adore her, and she wells up. Bless. But then – through all my excitement, and wild – blind love for the woman, a little trepidation about her future strikes me. In Big Band week – she will thrive, but eventually Simon’s desperate need to be more ‘current’ will probably fall short in Mary’s favour. BUT EITHER WAY – TESCO HAVE LOST THEIR BEST EMPLOYEE, EVER.


Following the personal life triumph of Mary, Nicolo sidles in – wearing Primark Raybans and singing Gaga. Everyone goes on about him being a ‘diva’ a lot and Nicolo looks completely and utterly bored. Dannii says he has a quirky sense of humour and Nicolo just looks pissed off. This is why I love this man. Unfortunately he is being marketted in completely the wrong way already – I’m not doubting the Gaga, I just think it was far too obvious. Especially as Diva Fever had pretty much done the same thing a couple of performances ago. But I love him – unlike CHERYL who squints, and murmers that – shock horror – she didn’t really like him. Cheryl – who voted in Katie Waissel. I think that’s all I need to say there.




Oh god, Wagner. You stud. You unexpected, angry piece of intercourse, you. Wagner is Louis’ Wild Card choice – and already Twitter is flooding with humorous lookalike jokes. My friend goes for Micky Rourke, someone else says Troll Jack Sparrow. I personally think – he looks like the epitome of beauty. He sings She Bangs..with bongos. And then. And then. Something wonderful happens. And he intermixes B52s – whilst wailing and furiously whacking hard on his bongo drums. It’s the singular greatest moment of my 21 years of living – and as a poet, I feel inspired. Dannii looks completely terrified of him, and tries to make some sentences – but fuck it. Wagner to win. Seriously. It even pisses all over Jedward’s version of the song last year – and that was with giant inflatable Jedward heads.


I’m sorry – but Wagner. But yeah Aiden. The lad who sang a wonderful acapella version of Gold Digger in his first audition and looks a bit like Chris from Skins (Series 1 era – can you imagine.) He’s probably about 8 but I am incredibly physically attracted to him. Maybe it’s the Urban Outfitter’s manequin thing. Maybe it’s the look of intense fear in his eyes. He sings Mad World (Gary Jules version…obv) and despite it being one of the more understated performances of the night – ITV productions have compensated with GIANT TREES AND SPOTLIGHTS all over the shop. Aiden’s performance is really really good. From a serious point of view (Although some think he’s putting it on) he is perhaps the best performance of the night. He sings seemingly, with such emotion – and a haunted look in his eyes. (Or maybe he’s just freaked out by the GIANT TREES AND SPOTLIGHTS). Either way, he’s my winner thus far. And then Simon ruins the moment by saying ‘He loves that whole Robert Pattinson thing’ he’s got going on.  Bit of a buzz kill there.


Last up – is Treyc Cohen! Yay! Or to give her her actual name – ‘Not Gamu’. Treyc has been on the show’s Judges House stage last year – with Simon’s category, but he chose Olly Murs over her and I never forgave him. Treyc is a ridiculously good singer, with pitch perfect vocals – akin to Leona, in terms of X Factor vocal ability. But of course – lest we forget – you can’t win X Factor unless you have really really good hair. And although she does have…admittedly…quite nice hair – it is tragic that she won’t be one of the forerunners in this competition. She has never had proper support from the producers – always having shoddy edits in the audition process. I think she’s a champion though – and definitely the best singer of the group. So she’ll be gone by Week 3.
AND THAT’S IT FOLKS. Until tomorrow of course – where we wave goodbye to FYD and say HELLO TO JOE MCLEDDERY. Who has a new song out – and I don’t think anyone told Rage Against the Machine this time round, so perhaps a future Number 1. Please join me next time, and if you liked my brand new blog about the X Factor – please pass it on. It’s been a journey, folks.

PS: Vote Wagner.


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