X FACTOR WEEK 3

24 Oct

Hello again. Guess what? It’s GUILTY PLEASURES week on the X Factor! Isn’t every second (Including the 40 ad breaks) a guilty pleasure on X Factor? How could I watch Cheryl Cole give sincere musical advice, and Simon’s Squarer than Thou haircut without feeling the cold hard twinge of guilt every week? X Factor is just cake, to me. Louis Walsh is dripping hot chocolate gateaux.

So who is in the Death Spot this week you ask?

PAIJE RICHARDSON, THAT’S WHO.


Paije is a good singer, but when you can safely watch someone perform a song and then say afterwards with fully assuring confidence that ‘Liberty X did it better’ – there is something mildly wrong. But it’s fine, because I like funky blazers. I am awash with excitement – at what funky blazer Paije will be showcasing for me this week. I am so very awash. Here he is, in his lovely – reddish..? jacket. This is terrible, he is an absolute gonner. If you don’t wear block primary colours, Paije – what is the absolute point in life? Aside from Wagner’s kegal muscles? This is like a really really shit Schindler’s List remake. After all, we can liken pretty much everything on X Factor to be a bit like a holocaust movie can’t we. Eh, Dermot?

And whom, may I ask – is in the mildly terminal spot?

JOHN ‘OH MY GOD, IT’S JOHN’ ADELEYE

JOHN. You man, you. I think he’s a man, anyway. I can’t remember. Let’s try and get some support going for John though, because he really is quite a nice man and singer. And I think we need more nice men who are also good singers in the world. So here is a picture of John so we can really beat the image into our minds, for our new potential X Factor winner. His name is John, by the way.

There he is. In his performance, John is so mesmerizing and talented that the judges talk about the two backing dancers for the entire of his comments. I happen to think that this is a cruel ploy, to detract from John’s magnitude of charisma in order to save their own careers, and the fate of the other contestants before John eats them all up with his MASSIVE POTENTIAL. LET’S NEVER FORGET JOHN ADELEYE AGAIN.

REBECCA FERGUSON


So after Paije, we have Rebecca Ferguson. First of all, let’s just all take a moment to remember how fit she looked. Just hold it. A little bit longer. Okay, that’ll do. She arrives on stage with cascading red locks, and a flowing red dress. The stage is dripping in luminous crimson lighting and everything is RED, OKAY? RED. BIG AND RED. Unlike Paije’s jacket. Which is why he will be voted out. Idiot. Rebecca sings an old jazz song which is clearly not being played at G.A.Y at 2 in the morning right now, which I would say is shying away from the supposed theme just a tad. But as you can imagine, nobody mentions that. Obviously Rebecca is brilliant, and everything’s too red to make anyone formulate any actual opinions anyway. Oh, and for the three people who read this blog, you may perhaps be interested to know just to what degree of lesbian I am feeling this evening, which I have kindly set aside below. Beautiful lady, shame about the massive hernia.

 

 

CHER LLOYD

Bruvs, Babes and Mates alike are flocking towards their television sets with their jogging trousers (That they don’t even jog in, due to MASSIVE irony, embedded somewhere) and their Coca Cola and their Morphine and whatever else it is that kid’s enjoy nowadays – and enjoy a bit of Cher Lloyd. This is Cher Lloyd, off of the NME Cool List if you were wondering. 64 people in the United Kingdom alone, stand between her and Laura Marling. Which seems odd, in any capacity to think about really. Cher’s Guilty Pleasure is apparently Shout by Tears for Fears…(Mashed together with about 9 other regurgitated JayZ B-sides). Oh, pardon me – this is the James Corden version of Shout. This isn’t fair, for numerous reasons. When the ‘football’ was on – I purposely stayed far away from the James Corden version of Shout due to the fact I like music and didn’t want to get upset. I live a nice, cosy life in my thermal socks sipping my stout ale, and a momentary glance into the direction of James Corden and ‘music’ is something that would cause some sort of inner rupture. So now in some sort of horrific turn of fate, I have to listen to Cher Lloyd – covering James Corden – covering Tears for Fears. This means somewhere down the line, once you sift underneath the layers and layers of Corden-Cher lactations – you have AN AMAZING SONG. BY AN AMAZING BAND. WHICH THEY ARE CALLING A GUILTY PLEASURE. The judges are all feeling it, they love a bit of James Corden. But watching them deliver their vast appraisals of Cher’s performance is a little bit like watching four people applauding someone being tortured and killed. I don’t even think it’s a metaphor any more. My brain is poorly.

MATT CARDLE

I have been left a quivering wreck on the carpet, trying to remember the concept of notations and chords. Matt Cardle has come on the bill right on time then. He is a good singer, who plays the guitar. He also wears a hat. Huge problem. This Week: Matt Cardle isn’t wearing his hat. I wonder if this will confuse the ITV viewers, who need stark props in order to differentiate between human beings, like a giant Guess Who board of life. He is singing Baby, One More Time, of course by Britney Spears – the era of her career before she discovered razors. It’s nice, obviously. All the judges love it. Nobody dares utter the word ‘Travis’, which I assume is due to Simon Cowell banning it from the lips of everyone in the X Factor studio. Jo Whiley has been tied up and thrown in a lake somewhere. Actually – that fact was probably true long before the series started. Now, I like Matt. He’s good an’ that. But for me personally he is missing something. You know, like that stuff that you need to make the Powerpuff Girls. He lacks that.

ONE DIRECTION

Gosh, everything’s a little lacklustre at the moment isn’t it? I do hope we can have some teenage boys to perv at. I thought that was the whole point of X Factor? And so far the only stand out moment was a slightly red jacket that wasn’t even properly red. So here are One Direction, who Simon Cowell gave birth to out of his own vagina just for our entertainment this evening. They are singing a Pink song, I think. I think it’s on the radio, and stuff but I can’t be sure because I am from the past. In the VT it is mentioned that there has been a dramatic song switch! How could anything be so bad that Simon Cowell decided Pink would improve it so dramatically? Was it that Kelly Clarkson bitch yet again? Absolute hero. Hero, I tell you. The boys sing a song called Nobody Knows. It is a sad song. Me and my friend struggle to collect any emotion from their performance – and like the rest of humanity, have gone on to deciding who has the nicest hair. We decide on Harry. I also announce a statement that starts with the words ‘When Harry grows up….’ I now understand the true meaning of the name of this week’s theme as a result. Oh I forgot! Cheryl referred to One Direction as The Beatles! It was brilliant! Christ, Cheryl – mate, seriously. Nice one.

TRAKE COHEN

I think the producers of X Factor were all bred by Simon Cowell in a small tank, underneath the offices of Radio 1, because for a show primarily focussing on music, I am hearing precious little of it, really. Dr TreyCTrakeGyllenhall is singing Led Zepplin. Who are a guilty pleasure, apparently. Which enhances my ‘born in a fish tank in Chris Moyles’ studio’ to no end really. Apparently liking rock music, is highly unheard of and a cardinal sin. It’s all a bit of a laugh really. All this influential ‘biggest band in the world’ stuff. After this massacre is over, I suggest we all take it with a pinch of salt, go home and listen to Olly Murs’ album to get a truer grasp on rock n roll again.

Trake is really good at being a singer and such. But for some reason the stylists keep adorning her with magnets and PVA glue set her about on the streets of London to create her outfit. This week – she is wearing bird. It’s you know. Fine. The performance, not the bird dress. But it’s just hollow rock music, which makes it all a tad depressing. A bit like when Storm used to be on the show, about four years ago.

 

MARY TESCO

Mary’s singing Shirley Bassey. I would just like to hastily point out that I said she would be doing this last week, and had to eat my words humbly. But now I am happy to say, I have just vomited all the smugness right back up. She is doing the song she did in her first audition, when her fringe used to be slightly thinner. Those were the days. She’s living the dream now. She sings it with all the musical technicality of a foghorn, and everyone applauds rapidly, and Mary’s getting a little bit emotional. Well, I guess we all are. It’s now Week 3 and exactly the same thing keeps happening. Doesn’t she understand how exhausted I am from having just one Shirley Bassey existing in my life? Hasn’t she considered my feelings about all this? Clearly not. Simon masks this quite blatant and obvious repetition by saying she needs to be more current. Why bother? She’ll sing some Soulja Boy or whatever – and then Tesco’s self service system will go into overdrive, and we’ll have to let her go. It’ll be sad, but we have to give her back eventually. Although for a treat this week all the contestants were taken to Topshop for the day instead, which must have been a nice change. Someone on ‘the internet’ has just asked what Mary bought from Topshop. Someone else kindly replies ‘There’s a cafe in there.’ Brilliant.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

Aiden has been busy. He has had sex with about 40 women, AND visited Topshop all in the same  week according to the press. He is recovering of course from Jealous Guy-Gate of yesteryear, where he didn’t sing Jealous Guy – more so just lots of noises for long periods of time. This week he will reflect on that, and go forth and sing noises but with words embedded within, like what proper singers do. X Factor is a time of learning. I’ll just point out once again that I have a massive crush on Aiden. A legitimate crush, not in a ‘Let’s set up a Countdown for when Emma Watson turns 18’ sort of crush. (That wasn’t my website, by the way.) So obviously I want him to do well, and sing well with words. Bearing in mind that last week was so shocking that Dermot had to perform a live exorcism, the look in Aiden’s eyes suggests that he’s probably out on the kill again though. Either that, or he just feels really strongly about diamonds. Don’t go near his diamonds. HE LOVES THOSE. Oh by the way – he is singing Diamonds are Forever. Two Bassey songs in a row? Shirley not. Etc.
Oh, but hold the phone – it’s the Arctic Monkey’s version. Now, that is strange. Because that is genuinely a good idea. Unfortunately however – The X Factor production team only has one good idea per week – and then get drunk and just put large amounts of lights on everyone’s stage performances instead and hope nobody notices the actual context. If you want proof of that appalling rumour I just made up, you may want to scroll down to see what Katie sang this week. They got wrecked.

Back to Aiden – he sings the song well, and also quite handsomely. (Leave me alone! HE IS OF AGE.) Cheryl still thinks he’s fucked up and high on E’s and Milky Ways or whatever ‘intense’ means nowadays of course. This is fine, because Cheryl also thinks that One Direction are like The Beatles. Remember when she beat up Gamu in a nightclub as well?

BELLE AMIE

Someone on Twitter has helpfully pointed that Belle Amie should rename themselves to ‘Bell-Ends’. Very clever.
They are singing I’ll Stand by You and not very well. They mention in the interview afterwards that they hope everyone understands why they had to do that song. Assumingly so everyone knew that they would stand by eachother, because they are all friends. Good Friends. Good, Beautiful friends. Belle Amies, you might say. They are the best of David Bellamys.
It was a lovely thought – to put Belle Amie on so late in the running order. It was kind of sweet actually, that anybody in the english-speaking world actually enjoys the works of Belle Amie this much to keep them in the competition. Really nice idea. Never mind, though.

WAGNER

I am dying to know what Wagner decided to purchase from Topshop. Do Topshop do floor length robes made of skin of gazelle still?

I always knew that Wagner would be involved in some sort of Watergate scandal, (Just because Wagnergate lends itself so well to that pun, it had to be true) and by Jove he only went and bloody cried to The Sun this week, talking about…I’m not quite sure. It was too sexy for me to notice any of the context. It’s always far too sexy.  Nonetheless, it’s been reported all over the world (I assume) that Wagner is not happy. I can only conclude that this is something to do with the song choices Wagner has had to date:

*She Bangs
*Lurb Shack
*Help Yourself

If I had this list on X Factor sing, I would say a little prayer every night of course, but I suspect that this wasn’t Wagner’s idea of ‘providing a new life for his son’ which is why he enterred the show in the first place. He is essentially being prostituted in favour of a Now that’s what I call 1991 compilation CD. WHAT A LIFE.
Also, apparently some guy called John Adeleye sprayed some deodorant at him and he didn’t like him. Who the fuck is this guy, and what the hell is he doing to Wagner? Wagner is dressed in pure white, for this performance – which I assume will be a representation of a fresh start for Wagner. A cleaner, newer bongo-free life. Perhaps he will be singing a straight version of Nessun Dorma. Yes, I’m sure that’s absolutely right. So you can imagine my confusion when Spice Up Your Life begins to play, and ‘those’ dancers start masturbating on stage again. I assume this is a joke, and will subside into Pie Jesu. Not Livin’ La Vida Loca. I assume that is definitely what won’t happen. I am sure of that.

Oh dear, how embarrassing.

 

KATIE WAISSEL

I always had a feeling that Katie would be able to successfully make a U-turn in the X Factor. After all, how could it not happen? The X Factor fancies her like rotten, and have given her all the chances in the entire universe to be a successful part of this show. I don’t understand why though! Why her? Because she wears a Topshop leather jacket? Well if this is all you want, why not take all your X Factor contestants on a massive, gratuitous Topshop shopping spree, and then everyone will be happy!
Although just as I begin ranting to my friend about just how much easy treatment she gets – I notice one massive gaping hole in my argument. She is singing King of The Swingers from the Jungle Book soundtrack. God, that must have been one hell of a hangover for the producers in the morning when they checked out the gin-sloshed Song List for Saturday’s show. How the fuck, in any capacity – can Katie Waissel regain popularity, via King Louis, the orang-utan?  Well – I’m not sure. But it does kind of work. I don’t know if anyone can really define how it worked though. Katie saunters on stage, sexily purring ‘oobeedoo’ with Marilyn-esque rollers and quite a nice pair of legs actually. (I would show you all just how hot she was via the form of a ‘Lesbian meter’, but I think it’s illegal to go on MS Paint at 3.10AM.) She does well, what can I say. I don’t get how. Perhaps there were subliminal messages in the ad breaks saying ‘JUST DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND LIKE THE BITCH’ or something.

So as always – The X Factor ends 4 hours later, and everyone is either drunk, asleep or crying. Or an admirable mixture of all three. I on the other hand, am sitting here numb – trying to figure out how strategic use of The Jungle Book can further someone’s music career. I’ve still not quite sussed that one. Tomorrow’s show involves Micheal Buble, and I’m oddly thankful for that. He’ll be like a cool milky substance after a piercingly hot madras.

Predictions for the chop tomorrow:
PAIJE…BELLE AMIE….SOME GUY CALLED JOHN

Shock Eviction?

CHER?

Absolutely Safe no Matter What

Katie. But I have absolutely no idea how.

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One Response to “X FACTOR WEEK 3”

  1. brenstal October 24, 2010 at 6:47 am #

    This was very interesting and funny. I like how you write about the show.

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