WEEK 4

1 Nov

EVENING! It’s Halloween! And I for one, am terrified. Terrified to the core – of  having to watch the X Factor post-John Adeleye. But if we MUST move on…

Sorry to all 4 of my readers who are wondering why I’m late with the sexiest X  Factor blog in town this week. I was getting drunk in a dalek costume. You know  how it is. Steve Brookstein’s blog is always readily available, when in doubt. And what a night to be heavily drinking! The same night in which Katie sang that song Bewitched (No, not the good one) with sperm eyes- the night in which Wagner discovered latin – the night in which Simon Cowell gave us all massive wand erections with ‘those’ fangs. ‘Those’ fangs are available with all local retailers, and not to be confused with the ‘That’ dress range designed by Liz Hurley. Here we go. I missed the start, but I’m led to believe this was the official time that my weekend started. Without Dermot’s confirmation of this though, I must say I felt uneasy.

NON-DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET

Non-Descript Supermarket is singing Could it be Magic. (Manilow/McElderry). We all think that Mary looks pretty attractive. She’s wearing devil horns that I’m sure are available from all local supermarkets, fashion fans! No supermarket in particular springs to mine though. She sings the song in a sassy manner, and also in a Bassey manner. I guess the whole making her current thing was hastily swept under Louis’ carpet. Oh and for the record, I tried to google ‘Irish carpets’ to get a bit of a joke going there but there are NO JOKES ABOUT IRISH CARPETS. Which is bullshit.
Could it be Magic of course is another one of the X Factor regulars that apparently is contractually obliged to be sang every single series. As sang previously by X Factor Legends Leona Lewis, Joe McElderry and…Eoghan Quigg. Hmm. It’s a good, solid performance. Especially being in the Death Spot. She’s obviously going to be fine. I know this, and you know this because I have already watched the results. Spooky. Halloween truely is alive, etc.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

It’s Aiden! Phwoar! Lock up your daughters! (No really, lock them up – I’ve heard he’s found out how to pick locks…) He’s wearing eyeliner. No, not ‘guyliner’. That’s the entire back catalogue of the Barry M range on his face there. I find it incredibly attractive, because I’m a moron apparently. Never mind. He’s singing Thriller. Really? Thriller? Isn’t that a bit – mobile for Aiden? Yes, possessed face he does indeed have. We have established this. But I wasn’t actually aware he had arms or legs. Oh no, he’s doing an acoustic version. Is it good? Well. Eh. I don’t know really. The whole ‘thing’ that I like about songs is the melodies that they have. They sound nice. However with this version of Thriller – in an attempt to make Aiden more contemporary, they have decided to remove that aspect of the song from it – and the whole thing is staged like a party winding down at 5am, with the last survivors still giving Singstar a go – not realising the fuse has gone on the telly. But he DOES look hot, so he’s through. A hot, sexy maniac who murders people. I’m no psychic, but by the power of time passing – I have the exclusive knowledge to tell you that yes, he did indeed get through.

BELLE AMIE

Halloween is making everyone look much much hotter than usual, it would seem. I am enjoying Belle Amie’s profound hotness, sat on a sofa adorned in a massive Dalek outfit, drinking Cava from a mug. Just doing my bit.
They sing the terrifying song Venus, because it has the word fire in it perhaps. Fire is scary. Why do people who are not women, think women like the song Venus? I – on my way out this evening did not apply my make up to this, followed by a Sister Sledge marathon in my pants. (Not tonight, anyway.) But no, really. Neither do any of my other female companions. On the Xtra Factor, they all have intense talks for the 56th time on why girl bands (Including girl band Girlband)  don’t do well on X Factor. Simon says it’s because girls don’t like girls. DISCLAIMER: I am a woman and I think girls are top notch. I just don’t like bands who sing theme tunes to razor and tampon adverts. If Wagner did Bodyform however, that’d be absolutely fine. To swiftly slide to conclusion about Belle Amie –  they were rubbish. The vagina has spoken.

REBECCA FERGUSON

The X Factor producers are such loves. They edit together pieces of the Judges Houses with Exorcist Music, and then on Halloween Night, they give Rebecca an 80s ballad about unrequited love. Yes, they’re a bit shit. But they could still drink you under the table. Bless them though, they have attemped to spook-it up a bit, with some piano and smoke machines. You know, because they never do that. Rebecca sings it really well. She has nice earrings in. She’s ‘starting to believe in herself’ too, which is nice? No update on whether she has ‘come out of her shell’ though, which I put down to bad interviewing from Dermot there. Meanwhile, P-Diddy tuts quietly, and then drinks some more gold.

MILKTRAY(C)

Ahh, Trake. Now, I now she has had a bit of a hard time of it recently but let’s not forget she is also the bitch who is the sole reason why John Adeleye is no longer an X Factor contestant. Thankfully though, she is doing a homage to John – by singing in his signature style! Mildly, and with no originality. Huzzah! Also she’s totally drowned out by all the rest of the singers in the world ever. Is she meant to be Little Red Riding hood btw? Or that weird dwarf from Don’t Look Now? Either way – it’s a scary piece of attire, so good for her for fitting in with the theme. Speaking of fitting in with the theme – let’s hear it for ultimate Halloween dancehall filler Relight my Fire! Which is legit, of course. Fire is quite scary – as we already discussed. Belle Amie must be shitting it. Concerns on whether X Factor has reached it’s OH MY GOD TAKE THAT ARE SO GOOD quota this season is hastily swept under Louis’ comedy carpet.

MATT CARDLE

HAHAHAAHAHAHA HAT. Don’t X Factor know that people did wear those before Matt Cardle? Do the words Rikki Loney mean absolutely nothing to you? Well, I took a shot. My brain has started filtering out the many many pointless hat-jokes about Matt, now – which means the entire of Matt’s VTs wash over me like a pleasant dream. Only this week, I NEVER WAKE UP. I am reliably informed by ‘the internet’ and ‘facts’ that he sings Bleeding Love by Men Who Wrote It for Leona Lewis. Blood of course, being quite scary. And Leona Lewis of course, being X Factor’s Jesus-figure who nobody will EVER SING AS GOOD AS. Which means that whenever a black female singer goes on the show they are basically compared and contrasted accordingly. Over the past 2 years however, this rule also transcended to apply for all human beings in the world ever. Last year some little boy sang it, and this year Matt Cardle will take the bait. WILL HE SUCCEED? WILL BONO-ING THE PRODUCTION UP HELP? All answers to those questions and more can be found in the No Shit Sherlock book series Volume 4. Simon practically HATES it, and has that ‘I’m going to sue Waterstones’ kind of look on his face.

WAGNER

Serious Recording Artist Wagner is up next. Have sneaking suspicion this may be hymen-breakingly good fun. HE IS SINGING THE JUDGES THEME TUNE, and also Bat out of Hell. Obviously. His eye is literally bleeding glitter. But then again, so are the entire nations after this. I was a little concerned that in Post-Jedward 2010 the novelty may wear off for Wagner existing. But no. Because he isn’t a novelty, any more. Him murmuring ‘gone gone gone’ out of tune is nothing short of biblical. In my life memoirs, on the 31st October 2010 there is a large blank 40 page gap – where I ceased to exist because I just didn’t know how to physically respond to his performance. Also – on an unrelated note, still no word on whether Wagner Karate is available in my local area. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT IN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Paije Richardson

Paije performs Back to Black, it’s alright. But don’t let me ramble on about all the significant attributes of Paije Richardson too much, because what I really want to talk to you about is the possibility of a beautiful parallel universe – an X Factor series with Rhydian,  Diva Fever, Jedward, Wagner, The Mcdonald Brothers, Same Difference, The one who’s wife died, Chico, and DJ Talent as the competing contestants, hosted by Kate Thornon, now an alcoholic, and every song is just different variations of the X Factor theme song, and the audience are gagged and bound in Aiden-style straight jackets. And Nicolo as the sole judge, and he feels especially crap. This would soothe me. Can someone email that into Xtra Factor next week? I imagine there will be time to read that out, in amongst all the minutes that have been lost due to Konnie Huq-induced awkward silences.

KATIE WAISSEL

Ah Katie. Her of Incredibly Decent Legs. Katie has dressed up as PJ from Byker Grove after he had that unfortunate paintball accident. She sings Bewitched, but bothered and bewildered she is not. She’s just singing the Bewitched theme tune, as she can’t be trusted near actual music, because people don’t appear to take to that idea well. This is assumingly the same reason Olly Murs was given the exact same song from last year. This is part of the masterplan to get people to like her apparently. I don’t think any vague association with Olly Murs is the best way to do that, but hey-ho. She sings it exactly in the same way as she sang that Jungle Book one from last week, all flirty and ‘COME ON BOYS’ and such. I love how hard they try with her. Once she makes the top 8 and gets on the tour, I fear they might start passing out the Manilow after that. YOUR INCREDIBLY DECENT LEGS WILL NOT SAVE YOU THIS WEEK, KATIE.  THEY ARE NICE THOUGH. MMM.

ONE DIRECTION

Clearly still shaken up from John Adeleye butchering their one and only Musical Hero Kelly Clarkson that week, the boys all look a little red eyed. Simon Cowell discovering Twilight about 3 years too late is the worst thing that has ever happened. This is fine, because he counters that almost immediately with the best thing that has ever happened, by introducing One Direction with a glorious set of fangs. Jesus christ. I can’t keep doing this, I just can’t.

But if there is any way to cease such a stone-cold rock hard erection such as one induced by Simon Cowell having Co-op Fangs, it is One Direction singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Which is scary, just because. It is odd, because whenever One Direction sing they just sound like 40,000 teenage girls singing. Me and my friend have now learnt four of the five boys names.  Which in the world of X Factor is quite respectable, in the real world however, leave us susceptible to mocking, complete disappointment, and/or murder.

CHER “#GAMU” LLOYD

Oh god, I’m so tired. After all the rampant sex of the past 2 hours I can’t be bothered with Cher Lloyd singing Shakespear’s Sister. I’m just a person after all. So how did it all work out? The whole – not wearing baggy trousers thing? Well, obviously it was fine. You can quote me on that if you like. I feel Cher is now the new favourite, seeing as The Daily Mail have laid eggs in Katie’s stomach and not even Simon Cowell’s superlatives can rescue her. So to celebrate Cher’s new promotion, they have put her in a dress with smoke machines singing a ballad. She has been X Factorred basically. It’s not so much a performance, moreso an initiation ceremony. At the end of it all she cries for some reason. I’m not entirely sure what it is exactly about a psycho obsessed woman trapping her lover from escaping the underworld that emotionally resonates with her, but there you are. The judges think it’s the best thing ever obviously, and now she’s going to win all because she wore a fucking dress.

As you all know, some group called Belle Amie left or something. I have shrug-rash. Is that even a thing? I’m high on Fruit Shoots. NIGHTY NIGHT. Next week something else will happen presumably!

X

Advertisements

3 Responses to “WEEK 4”

  1. scribbled_mess November 1, 2010 at 2:18 pm #

    I gotta say, there’s nothing moronic about finding Aiden attractive in all that make up. No sirree. That boy is getting more handsome by the week. Plus, he wears Barry M dazzle dust better than I do.

  2. Cara November 2, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    I agree with the comment above. Nothing wrong with that at all, Aiden is sexy as hell.

    • pleonasticfantastic November 2, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

      I am glad you all agree that he is groundbreakingly fitter than anything seen. I’ll see you all at the X Factor gangbang next week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: