WEEK 5

7 Nov

Five weeks in, folks! What a bunch of survivors we are. Like that Katie Waissel. We are all like Katie.
Oh dear, don’t get upset.

Sing it with me now.
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Oh, you know the one. It’s the X Factor. Week 5, and apparently it’s America Week or something. What week isn’t America Week for Simon Cowell?

Usual big X Factor intro…directed by James Cameron as per usual. I wonder how long you can talk to Peter Dickson without making him do a funny voice? I sometimes think about his life with a soft surge of melancholy. What are his sex noises like? Etc. One thing is for sure – he is the only man in the universe who still says the words ‘Rachel Adedeje.’ Rikki Loney on the other hand – pretty big news.

CHER “-L” LLOYD

Queue recap of Cher in oversized charity shop gown singing Stay, people saying nice things, interspersed clips of Titanic. What could possibly go wrong? She is in the death spot after all. Even unconquerable mavericks of music FYD couldn’t take that on, which I’m sure we all are still reeling from.

Although what Cher has that FYD didn’t have (Aside from many quite obvious things) was Ye Olde X Factor Transformation of last week.

Even still! Perhaps she could fuck it all up and do a Storm? Pah. As if she would EVER do a Storm. Noone would ever do a Storm. No matter what Katie Waissel has said in the past. Cher is singing that song Alicia Keys did that I quite like. She also quite likes it too. She sings it pretty mildly, and raps and does the bits…and it’s all just  – there. Maybe it is the lacking of her ‘mirror-mirror and her sword and da shield’ which is hindering the greatness of this performance. Maybe. Or more likely – perhaps it’s the fact that she’s on a fucking bike. Which as we all know is something that doesn’t work out well for anybody.

(Note: It took me a bloody long time to find any evidence of Storm actually existing on the internet. Google Image of Storm: X Factor brings up lots of pictures of bowling balls, and one of Katie. Glad things are working out for the fella/buddy/Dermot-buzzword of the week)

Apologies that my Cher evaluation was 80% bike-based, but that should give you some insight into how terrifically underwhelming she was. Hurray!

NON-DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET

Oh dear, they want shot of Mazza (What? I’m trying to make her more contemporary!) don’t they? Two early slots, in as many consecutive weeks. Bitches down at X Factor HQ mistreating the oldies. Not Wagner of course. Wagner is a fountain of eternal youth. Mary on the other hand will be sipping cocktails with Arlene Phillips by the end of the week. And they’re giving her Faith Hill. Why Why Why. Why not Smack my bitch up instead? You could argue it’s not an American Anthem, but I sincerely beg to differ. So already it’s going terribly for Mary, and she hasn’t begun singing yet. Maybe she will also appear on a bike. Maybe she will appear on a Penny  Farthing just to ram the point home that THIS WOMAN IS OLDER THAN SOME. Go on Mary! Show ’em, how it’s done. I omitted the TH of THEM to make you more contemporary!
Here she goes!
Oh dear, this isn’t very good at all. She can’t even be arsed putting it through the Power Ballad Bassey Generator. It’s very limp indeed. It’s a Wand Dysfunction, in fact. Even Mary knows it was a bit shit. Judges agree.  Word?

KATIE WAISSEL


DISCLAIMER:
I don’t hate Katie as much as other humans, really. She really does have very nice trousers.

Quick recap of the fact Katie was in the Bottom 2 last week, for people with no memories – thanks a lot James Cameron. She sang it with quite a large amount of desperation, and a very fetching pair of trousers. And as we can all learn by the rules of X Factor – this means she was safe. Plus, Belle Amie were crap, and they wore shoes and everything. Rookie mistake. Anyway, Katie. Roll VT. Dear Christ, she goes absolutely mental and says how much she ‘hates this’ whilst hugging Rebecca. Bit rude. Cheryl says the word quirky 986 times. So what will Katie sing to win people back this week? Something contemporary, I’d reckon. Manilow? Sadly not. This week Katie is singing No Doubt’s AMERICAN ANTHEM (apparently) ‘Don’t Speak’. Except for the fact that she definitely isn’t singing Don’t Speak. She’s singing the lyrics to it, yes. But for some reason the violinists (Yes, violinists) are playing a completely different song. Is this contemporary? That word is burnt into my soul forever. She is singing it very very mildly. She does all the Official RockStar Poses, such as Slanty Microphone and Bon Jovi Squat, which are very good, but she doesn’t actually belt out the song whilst doing these, which makes no sense. Other things: Katie looks very attractive, she is wearing leather. Apparently she was meant to be singing in a Jean Harlow style outfit according to the stylist, but decided to go against that. Oh well, I’m sure that will be fine.
Rookie Mistake #2: Don’t ever assume not dressing like Jean Harlow will be fine. Mid-way through the ‘song’ – the screens are adorned with black and white footage of Katie crying with mascara down her face. You know, in a sort of Hollywood 50s melodrama kind of way (Lots of love, Media Studies A Level. XX) It is not good. Even if she was dressed accordingly, it would still look naff, especially in a world that has seen the ‘Leave Britney Alone’ Chris Crocker video.
Simon says – ‘it went a bit off during the middle.’ Mmm. And at the start, and at the end – yeah Si? Nope, still desperately trying to cling on to her for the tour. If she gets bounce-back votes and knocks out Aiden, I’ll stamp my foot a bit. Katie reckons ‘that was her’ and she was good and stuff. And Cheryl says she’s all strong. That was so the opposite of strong.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

Next up is Aiden. I fancy Aiden. Not that I will let that in anyway hinder this critique of his performance. In fact, I’ll get it out of my system right now. HE IS REALLY NICE THOUGH, ISN’T HE LADIES? AIDEN GRIMPHWOOAR MORE LIKE. AM I RIGHT? SEXY HUMAN. I LIKE IT WHEN AIDEN GRIMSHAW IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That’ll do.

Christ. VT! Simon says he didn’t like Thriller last week. Juxtaposing shot of Aiden making it through, spliced on top of that – just to show you that miracles CAN happen! Hmm. Aiden misses his family, Coldplay music etc. All the judges are speaking in the VT’s in front of a very shiny wall. I assume they are filming this in Wagner’s kitchen.

Aiden is singing Nothing Compares to U. Hold the phone! “That isn’t an American Anthem, that’s Sinead O Conner isn’t it?” announce All The Idiots In The World, It was Prince. And he’s doing the Prince arrangement too. Written by Prince, I believe. This is apparently a last minute song change for Aiden, thank god the effects department had some SCARY FIRE left over from Halloween Week. He’s singing a very basic version, aside from what could have been Danyl Johnsson’s Favourite Arpeggios of The Week. I’m glad of it, I think it works nicely. Aiden is the only artist from X Factor I can enjoy on a music-point of view, as well as a pervy point of view. Hurray. His vocals hark back to his first audition of Gold-Digger, which was casual, but still pretty hip and cool.  Yes, I am definitely not a teenager anymore. Never mind. I liked it, and the judges liked it. Simon does a ‘taking everything into account’ speech, which must mean he quite enjoyed it. I’m very happy they all liked the very handsome man.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Not at All Obvious Reference!

I’m sure you have read about it in all the papers by now, but just to let you know – Paije has Arrived. (Drink!)

And why is this? Is it because he is wearing yellow? My all time favourite of the primary colours? No. It’s because X Factor have awarded him his first mash-up. And it’s Hey Ya. And it’s The Monkees. Okay, it’s no O Fortuna/Bat Out of Hell – but then again, what is? Precious little. I’m very happy that they have stopped John Adeleying him this week, and this is fun for all the family. I am enjoying the yellow, I truly am.
However, (Dead Lock Lights)  I still assume he will be in danger, based on the fact he has ‘arrived’ in Week 5. That’s what they call truancy, my dear fellow. And on X Factor, we like hard-workers – like Miss Waissel over there. She wears interesting trousers every single week. What do you do for the X Factor, Richardson? Detention. (This is why people shouldn’t be allowed computers at 4am, by the way.)

Oh, and let’s not forget the defining moment of Paije’s performance. Where Louis Walsh calls him Lenny Henry. The jokes pretty much writes themselves, every time I remember that happened, so I’ll just leave that information there – where it can simmer away gently in your train of rational thoughts for the rest of the evening. Louis, you’re such a babe.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Fergie – (Can I? No? Fine.) Rebecca sings Bob Dylan, written by Adele(?) apparently. Cheers for that one, Twitter. It’s good. Obviously. She is refusing to mess up and insists on going through the X Factor Journey. Week 5 of said journey sees Rebecca’s slight increase in vocal ability. She can do high notes and everything. Take that, Pavarotti! Hmm. Too highbrow? Okay. Take that Bryan Mcfadden!
Anyway she’s a very beautiful, endearing, clever classy lady. Which makes for an excellent human being – not so much for ‘funny blogging’. So erm. MARY WAS PRETTY RUBBISH WASN’T SHE? Guffaw.

WAGNER

Wagner, mate. Welcome back. Lock up your daughters. Sod it – lock up everyone. No human being alive is safe for the next seven minutes. Not in a dangerous way, you understand. It’s just – it’ll be far too sexy for you if you leave home now.
ROLL VT!
Wagner actually meets up with Louis! This is apparently the theme of the VT’s this week by the way, the fact that Yes, sir, we actually do spend time with our mentors. In front of cameras, for under a minute – yes certainly. Besides – I know Louis Walsh isn’t the wisest of musical benefactors – but I am adamant that Wagner goes on stage with absolutely no preparation from Brian and just makes it up. He wasn’t even meant to sing Love Shack in Week 1, you know. He provides his own bongos. He is ALL MAN. Actually he’s probably part Jaguar or something. This week Wagner is singing Elvis. He is wearing an Elvis suit too, just in case the nation’s testicles hadn’t descended enough. I must admit I am a little bit sad, because it looks like Wags is actually really trying to sing. He is a very serious recording artist, after all. It must be a shame for him, being this visibly attractive. Perhaps it does take away from his singing. Maybe we should all just drop our lives and listen to this poor man sing for once. Okay lets. Oh no wait, he’s getting married to one of the backing dancers right now. Maybe later. This is a testement to a man (Part Ocelot) and his dedication to the X Factor – partaking in Absolutely definitely real Wedlock. Paije couldn’t even be bothered to arrive until this week. Even if Wagner gets voted out, can they not just keep him in there? Just in the background perhaps, gently murmuring his lurb songs…Can we get him a glockenspiel?

MATT CARDLE

Oh great, way’d it bring the mood down Matt.
This week Matt is singing The First Time I ever Saw Your Face I sang In a High Register and Burst into Tears, And PS: Don’t You Just Love Corduroy? – the first standing ovation of the series. Unless you count my standing ovations, which started the second I saw Wagner, and I haven’t sat down since. Metaphorical female erection jokes aside (Because no blog should be without them), Matt obviously does well enough to warrant such ovation. He can sing well, oh and bless – he’s upset, because something sad happened to him once. Dannii respects his privacy, and doesn’t mention what. Konnie Huq respects nothing, and beats the info out of him on the Xtra Factor later on. So there we are. Everybody likes Matt. Hurray for Matt. He’s going to win and everything. I don’t get him myself. But then again, I don’t get many things. Such as Maths for example. I don’t get that. Or Mash. Supremely overrated in my opinion. I realise now that I mentioned two things that both sound a bit like Matt just then. How incredibly interesting.

TreyC

Hello TreyC! Bravo on making it through last week. I assume you have sufficiently Bounced Back and now have something completely revolutionary hidden under your allegorical (preferably shiny) belt! Treyc is taking a slight different X Factor Journey path to Rebecca. Hers involves the ‘previously rejected’ route, and the ‘I just haven’t found my image yet’ route. Rebecca’s is vaguely more straight forward, TreyC’s has too many roadworks on hers – and for some reason, this is punishable by death.

On X Factor, Death is being given ‘I don’t wanna miss a thing’ by Aerosmith as your song choice. She looks very nice, she’s in a big flowing gown and I assume this is meant to be a massive change, because she’s usually wrapped in the foil that’s left over from the Mass-Red-Hairdying-Fiasco of Week 3. She performs the song by the classic Danyl Johnsson’s Favourite Arpeggios rule. Oh, and Danyl did this last year, alongside EVERY OTHER BLOODY SONG TreyC has sang on the Live Shows. Rookie Mistake #3. I think another gaping error in this performance is the fact that she’s walking down a large aisle, in a white dress – and Wagner isn’t fucking there. What the hell – Brian, seriously. I know she was never going to win, but give the girl a fighting chance. Or not. Meh. I’ve already forgotten what I was talking about. Has John been on yet?

ONE DIRECTION

We are finishing up with 5 young boys!  Louis must be delighted! Just thought I’d wheel the classic Louis is a Paedophile gag out before they got to it. Which for some reason is totally fine, and always has been.
Simon announces the final act.
“You know the phrase ‘Leave the best ’til last?”
“Yesss?”
“Here is One Direction!”
“Yesss..?

Nope, that was it. Here they are. Singing Kids in America – aka Simon’s vision of their future. They sing it in exactly the same way that they always sing. Hurriedly, out of time, and still stunned that they are alive, let alone on television. I suppose that’s unfair, I would be pretty stunned I was alive too if I’d only just come out of the womb five minutes previous.
The defining moment of One Direction’s performance of Kids in America are of course Simon Cowell’s glasses in the VT. Put those images aside later, alongside the fangs – and you are guaranteed some excellent Sunday Morning alone time. You’re welcome.

And we are done! Dermot regretfully informs us. Oh dear. Does this mean my X Factor Weekend ends right here? Oh well, there’s always the Xtra Factor. I wonder what unfortunate Skype caller will be sacrificed live on air this week. Alternately – Susan Boyle’s neck and chin are also available on ITV1 right after the break.

Daddy or Chips?

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One Response to “WEEK 5”

  1. Helen November 8, 2010 at 12:28 am #

    Aiden’s a beautiful man.
    Is it wrong that I want to stroke his face?

    Though he can’t compare to Wagner’s stud level status of course…

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