WEEK 6: SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALRIGHT FOR SHUNNING REGULAR SOCIAL ACTIVITY

14 Nov

Elton John hates the X Factor. So welcome to Elton John week on the X Factor! YOUR ELTON JOHN WEEKEND STARTS RIGHT HERE. For me personally, every day is Elton John weekend. I don’t get much done.

And talking of odd bespectacled gentlemen who are not Simon Cowell,  they also went to the Harry Potter premiere this week. Which means we are being presented with a somewhat beautiful hybrid of X Factor, Harry Potter, Elton John, and Over-abundance of Silver Garments now. I feel… right.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Last week Paije arrived! After FIVE WEEKS IN THE LIVE SHOWS. You unruly little shit, Paije. I reserve further foul language against you, based on your choice of jacket and/or bow tie/use of yellow in your outfit. Anyway – just to show how punctual he can be, he has gallantly opted for performing first this evening!

Quick VT before his X Factor position begins to slowly crumble away under a haze of blasé song choices, and John Adeleye backlash. (Probably still reeling.) Paije goes to the Harry Potter premiere! Paije was in Harry Potter apparently! Daniel Radcliffe pretends to recognise him. So does Ron. Paije sings Crocodile Rock in Rikki Loney’s old prom outfit, and as you can imagine – it’s very ‘fun’.  And we all love a bit of fun. Depending on your definition of fun of course, mine is moreso eating custard out of a can than watching Paije Richardson be a bit sassy for a couple of minutes. The judges think he’s rubbish! The crowd detect a negative word in their midst and start hurling faeces at the judges.  Lenny Henry’s sudden revitalised career however disappears slowly and sadly into the distance. Premiere Inn Managers across the globe breath a sigh of relief. Simon says he has a 0% chance of winning, but I wouldn’t take that as bad criticism, just how he feels about the entire stretch of this year’s acts that aren’t One Direction. Who are on last, by the way – just in case they hadn’t WON ENOUGH already.

AIDEN GRIMFO’SHAW

PRE-AIDEN

Quick insight into my brain: Aiden is my favourite X Factor contestant, so find it difficult when I hear him sing mildly off key. Due to this – I spent the entire of Aiden’s performance in a knot on the sofa wailing the first time round and have no recollection of the performance. I’m just being supportive. How can his handsome face project such a vast selection of noises THAT ARE NOT MUSIC. So for the love of accuracy, this is written before a second viewing.

POST-AIDEN

THE WORLD SEEMS DIFFERENT.

I’VE STARTED SEEING DOUBLE, AND I SAW A MIRAJE OF SLASH. And Dannii is doing crocodile arms. Continuously. Okay, it wasn’t as bad as when I watched it the first time round, he just jerks and twists so much that he confuses me, and I have to sink into a foetal position to restore my inner calm. The judges, like myself are confused. Cheryl likes it oddly enough – Dannii is still playing shadow puppets – Simon says it was alright, and he’ll be here next week, then announcing it is Louis ‘wrong’ time of the month. Simon Cowell doesn’t know what a period is. I guess he does work with pre-pubescents quite a lot of the time. Zing? No.

Re: the comment, I sincerely disagree. Elton John weekend is NEVER the wrong time of the month.

BAFTA WINNING IMELDA STAUNTON’S FAVOURITE SINGER

Mary had a rough time last week, singing shit mostly. She blamed it on being a bit sad. When Joni Mitchell was ‘a bit sad’ she just produced a worldwide critically loved album instead. Although I suppose Joni Mitchell wasn’t being forced to sing Faith Hill and the Lion King soundtrack. Not that I know of anyway.
She sings the song filtered through the rusty ol’ Shirley Bassey Generator, with the POWER OF HER DAUGHTER IN THE AUDIENCE spurring her performance on. It’s obviously better than last week, but most world events were better than last week. Mary gets good comments and Simon Cowell says its because she has a ‘heart’. Props to Mary then I guess. The only living human being with a heart.
*Stares down at bleeding, gaping hole in her chest sadly*.

KATIE WAISSEL

DON’T YOU JUST ADORE HER?

Reportedly meant to be singing The Bitch is Back – but isn’t now. Mild anarchy in the UK.

Instead she’s singing Saturday Saturday Yeah One More Time which is a good song. She sings the song in her own unique and quir… style, which apparently is not quite singing, just yelling loudly with vigour. She does have vigour, nobody can take away her vigour. Does anybody even want Katie Waissel’s vigour? Louis gets upset because it was a rubbish song choice, audience collectively throw bits of lung at him, (As if we weren’t losing enough vital organs already this evening!) The word ‘fighter’ is the verbally transmitted disease of the evening, just in case we didn’t get that from the song choice and the fact that her mentor has a criminal record. Alright, Katie – you like to fight! Recieved and understood. Wouldn’t you just prefer a nice sit-down instead? Actually, just stand. Just stand.

MATT CARDLE

Dannii introduces the last of the boys: “He’s been nicknamed Matt I’M SHAGGING THE STYLIST’
Mattgoestotheharrypotterpremiere…
Wait, is that Helena Bonham Carter? Gosh, that’s quite a good celebrity endorsement. A bit better than when Queen announced that ‘they liked the girl’ on last year’s X Factor. Matt is singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which I deduce as a song about getting in touch with ones’ roots once again. I don’t think anyone can get back to their roots after Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy say how much they like you, can they. Does this make Matt a deatheater now? I’m going to answer my own question and say Absolutely Definitely Yes. Logic which is born not from Matt’s love of murdering fictional wizards, but moreso due to his insistence to be annoyingly good forever more. Come along Matt, that’s not the Waissel way.

CHER LLOYD

Roll VT!  Nice hat. “I have my eyes on the prize. What’s the point of being in it if you don’t want to win it” she proclaims. Because SHE LIKES A GOOD RAP.

Cher is singing Sorry Seems to be the Hardest MOCKINGBIRD. Apparently. Which Cheryl mentions in the VT is very clever. Possibly more clever than when she sang the James Corden version of Shout, yes – but on a wider scope, no. Not that clever really. She is singing it very well, even if Sorry is the hardest word for her, and she goes for ‘sowwy’ instead – which is a bit annoying. Are R’s not hip-hop? Did R-Kelly not get the memo? Sorry. SORRY.
Her make-up looks quite nice. Everyone thought she was good an’ that. She was, I guess. Woo. And such. But I think I would swap all of that just to see Wagner meet Daniel Radcliffe really.

WAGNER MEETS DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh yes he does. I sometimes wish I was Wagner myself, so I too could discuss in lengthy detail about why I decided to hold a lion’s tail. But alas, DNA has fucked me up again on that one. Wagner sings I’m Still Standing coupled with Circle of Life. Nice to see he still has the backing dancer bride from last week though isn’t it, folks? Such LOYALTY. The same sort of loyalty that Louis dedicates to Class A drugs, clearly.

Before Wagner’s performance, for some reason Dermot has a quick chat with Louis. Some sort of malfunction backstage, I assume. Either Wagner’s Ménagé et dix-neuf with the backing dancers hasn’t reached it’s conclusion yet or Diana Vickers has laryngitis again.

Wagner sings, in a Wagner kind of way. Which is the only way it can ever be described. However – there is a moment. There is a moment mid-way through Circle of Life where Wagner shakes his head. WAS THAT DISDAIN? Wagner does not feel disdain ever. If I had a heart, it would be sinking for him right now. Mary must be in a bath of her own tears backstage. Louis Walsh calls Wagner a ‘Young Elton John’. Alright then. 

WANDS AT THE READY

“I’d like to apologise to Elton John.” says Simon, before introducing One Direction. That must have felt like heaven to the Conway Sisters. The boys all talk to Daniel Radcliffe too. I love this. Can Daniel Radcliffe turn up every week please? This probably shits all over that NME interview he did a couple of years ago where he did a photoshoot with guitars to show the world that Harry Potter likes music with guitars in it. Daniel Radcliffe bumbles around saying not quite words, (Copyright Aiden Grimshaw’s Laws of Singing) and One Direction simply respond by asking him how ‘fit’ is Hermione. Not wishing to stamp on the boys’ dreams that ‘Harry Potter isn’t real’, Daniel informs them that she is very fit but is like a sister to him. I LOVE INCESTUOUS DANIEL RADCLIFFE EVEN MORE THAN REGULAR DANIEL RADCLIFFE. The boys sing the same as always. Simon hails them as the next 5 Comings of Christ, the audience all simultaneously get throat ulcers. Adorable.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Finishing last this evening is Rebecca, and she is singing Candle in the Wind. That is pretty much all I can say about her performance. Nice earrings? She refuses to be rubbish, like that shagging Matt Cardle, so I have nothing to say. Me and Wagner are collectively being disdainful. I think I may have accidently got encased in Rebecca’s alegorical shell that she refuses to come out of week after week. Her microphone does sound a bit like, dodgy though, did they give her Zayn’s by mistake? Standing ovation from Cheryl and Dannii after she sings Candle in the Wind. This seems like the least deserving Standing Ovation ever. I HAVE NEVER FELT MILDER.

That is it! It’s actually just finished on that. Does anyone remember what happened to the gospel choirs they used to wheel out every week when times got a little too lacklustre? I kind of miss them.

Tomorrow night is a SINGLE elimination apparently, according to Derm. Even though the whole of Europe and The Sun were adament it was a double. I assume this is because WESTLIFE/JLS/TAKETHAT SUPER-HYBRID will be in full swing, and I barely survived 4 seconds of Lucius Malfoy, so fuck knows how I’ll get through tomorrow.

UP FOR THE CHOP?

I assume it will basically be anyone who is not in the running for the inevitable Matt/Rebecca/One-Direction Bedridden X Factor Final 2010. It may be Mary, I feel.

Meanwhile on the Xtra Factor, Konnie has just told Mary there is someone she would like her to meet.
Her daughter, apparently. Great. Other groundbreaking interview skill moments include asking Aiden if his quiff is very big. He says yes. Good.

GOODNIGHT.

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