A HARD DAY’S NIGHT

22 Nov

Welcome to this!

LAST WEEK

BAD SHIT WENT DOWN

THIS WEEK

Our Top 8 will be taking part in :

BEATLES AND THE FAMOUS JOHN LENNON SONG WEEK

Hard liquor and proverbial pinches of salt all round, then!

First of all, it’s time to look back at the The Eternal Shitfest of Life (Coincidently Susan Boyle’s autobiography is available in all good bookstores now!) that was last week where The Very Bad Thing Happened. Dermot O Leary twirls, so we are given the ability to look back in time. Last week was a shock. No one is safe any more. In conclusion – the final 8 contestants are going to be maimed, killed and possibly cooked. (I think I would take Wagner medium-rare) But don’t mind that now. First! Vague Music!

Look – Paul McCartney’s on the telly and everything. He wishes everyone the best of luck. N’aww, he really means that too. I’m sure everyone will do just fine, Paul. Let’s face the MUSIC. Yes, it is music. How do I know this? THEY JUST SAID IT WAS MUSIC.

DRESS OFF!

Dannii looks delicious in a slender, chocolate dress. Cheryl has worn the wrappers.

MATT CARDLE

Matt (probably) said how much he hates everything and Wagner this week in the press. Oh well, it’s a good thing the X Factor World doesn’t care about what the idle, bitter press think. (This information will become considerably more important, later when the X Factor care about what the idle, bitter press think) Matt has been put on first, due to his presumably fictional betrayal. And he’s singing Come Together, even though 95% of the Beatles’ back catalogue would have suited him more.

I don’t know why, but given the X Factor’s history with the song Come Together – X Factor are intent on it being a ferociously sexy little number. Is it…meant to be a sexy song? Yes, I know. Come Together. Yep, got that. Although I thought it was about the (I definitely did not Google) 1969 Calfornian governor election. Is that sexy? Oh alright.
“COME TOGETHER OVER ME”  Matt snarls in a sexy, “Yeah screw you, Regan!” manner.  He is singing like Christian Bale’s Batman voice , and as has probably never been mentioned up ’til this point – he is wearing a vest. This all makes me very anxious.

However, it is 100% better than Olly Murs’ version of the song last year because Matt Cardle is not Olly Murs. I warrant that as an excellent achievement.  GO ON MATT.

CHER LLOYD

Continuing the ‘None of us are Olly Murs’ celebrations is Cher who is singing Imagine by Cheryl’s idea of the Beatles, apparently. I assume, once again she is ‘not familiar’. Bless her. She’s so lovably ignorant isn’t she? But doesn’t she have a nice smile? You know who else had a nice smile?

HMM? WELL LOTS OF HORRIBLE PEOPLE WITH APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF DENTAL HYGIENE, PROBABLY.

So how does Cher fair on the stairs? (Be sure to check out my Poetry Blog! *Ching!*) Brian has creatively directed her to sit on some stairs for the performance. This is explained away later as them alluding to a Stairway to Heaven. Is that..at all necessary on Beatles Week? Shrug, nope you’re right – absolutely not. Cher sings – fine. It’s fine. It’s absolutely fine that Cher has now covered Tears for Fears, Shakespear’s Sister and John Lennon. That is all fine. Hmm. I’ve lost about 3 centimetres off my teeth. This too – is also fine.

Anyway, she is singing the song Imagine with none of that famous Katie Waissel vigour. Why isn’t she at least doing the Helter Skelter/99 Problems mash-up? Isn’t this what she is here for? And on top of the drabness of the song choice is the added Ultra drab white dress she is wearing. X Factor Logic truly is GCSE Media Studies – this is probably a way of giving off an air of purity in Cher’s performance. Oh, why bother? Just give her some 2Pac samples and send her on her merry, hip-hop way! God speed.
I am not looking forward to her single.

 

ONE DIRECTION

Let us now enjoy One Direction, who are like the opposites of the Elixir of Life. I’m 21, and I feel somewhat withered looking at Harry’s beautiful ringlets. One Direction are apparently singing a more stripped back version of their song choice (Which escapes me), with no gimmicks. Apart from the fact they – in themselves are one massive gimmick. Hmm, spiritual.
They are singing…ARGHHH OH GOD. OH GOD HARRY I LOVE YOU, or at least that’s what the lyrics sound like from the studio. That is cheating, that isn’t Beatles, unless it was during the more transgressive period. One Direction are the winners of X Factor 2010, btw. I do, oddly enough like them. It’s nothing to do with their singing, though. Hey – remember when Liam auditioned as a soloist and got the massive 10 minute Pimp Spot of the Audition stages, and now he shares his musical aspirations with Zain? I LOVE MUSIC.

REBECCA FERGUSON

The ‘Mania’ continues with Rebecca, who is singing Yesterday. She sings it out of tune. Looks nice, though.

 

Here’s a picture of a field.

Mmm. That’s nice.

 

NON-DE SCRIPT SUPERMARKET

“There’s SOMETHING about MARY!” Oh, my. How clever, Louis.
I love Something, it’s my favourite song  by the Beatles (That they have chosen this evening, at least – and I guess that wasn’t hard – seeing as one wasn’t actually a Beatles song, Yesterday’s the most covered song of all time, and Wagner’s singing an amalgam of the entire 60s) I especially like the Shirley Bassey version. I wonder if that will inspire Mary’s peformance somewhat. Oh look, I don’t even feel good about being right because the inevitability of this was too painstakingly obvious. I can’t even generate mild smugness. O Cruel World. This performance means nothing to me. Oh Vienna. In fact, I wish Midge Ure was here. Yes, I’m going to say that.  I like Mary. I like Shirley Bassey. I guess I like Debenhams’ Winter evening dress collection. But I’m just so tired.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

No lame attempt at a ‘Let it be…Paije!’ intro from Dannii. Missed a trick there, I fear. But yeah, Let it Be is Paije’s song choice this evening, to go together with the other six of Paije’s not-so interesting soul songs from the Banks of Lacklustre. Paije sings very well. There is even an old fashioned choir. Hell to the Yeah to the What Am I Doing! This has been a very reminiscent X Factor series hasn’t it? All the classics of the days of X Factor Yore have returned to us. Shayne Ward! A Futile sense of despair!
That isn’t just another  name for Shayne Ward, btw.
So to sum up – I like Paije. He isn’t wearing Yellow though. Shame, that. Romeo dun.

WAGS

Is Hippy Hippy Shake a Beatles song? Oh right yes, it doesn’t matter anymore. Much to my joy and confusion, Wagner continues to exist. I would just like to point out how absolutely delightful Wagner is looking in his younger years from the VT footage preceding his performance. I would very much like to kiss him, and perhaps offer him a favour! Will someone let me know when Wagner gets back to me on that? Cheers.
On to the performance itself, Wagner is STANDING ALONE BY HIMSELF singing Get Back. It aint half bad, you know. And more in tune than Rebecca and Cher. These are the facts. Get Back transcends into Hippy Hippy SHAKE IT WAGS, And then of course into Hey Jewy Jewy Jewy Jewy YOWWWW. Or something. God all mighty this is good. I am terrfied though, because I’m no longer sure if I’m being insincere. Or if I ever was. I’m very upset, actually. But empowered. I don’t know how to feel.

But Cheryl sure as hell does – and in the comments launches into a bit of an attack on ol’ Wags for being mean to her because she used to live in a Council Estate? X Factor World doesn’t read the papers though, does it? Don’t listen to the horrid, awful press! WHO EVEN IS GAMU ANYWAY? Oh, but no. Apparently – on this occasion, it is okay to make an exception. Wagner launches into a glorifying speech about how Cheryl is beautiful or something. Somehow, Cheryl is not moved by this quite touching and beautiful and elegant speech however, and the LOOK OF FROST almost certifies that Wagner will be in the Bottom 2 tomorrow doesn’t it? [Me from the future: “Heh.”]

KATIE HAS NEW HAIR

Katie Waissel performing ‘Help’

This much is true. I almost forgot who she was for a moment! Have been reminded she is
Frodo
Louis Walsh
Neil Buchannan from Art Attack
The Head from Art Attack
One of Neil Buchannan’s drawings from Art Attack

Nice singing, though. And hey! Just another shoutout to the lovely hair, which almost made me forget she had been in the bottom 2 four times, with 2 pimp spots, being put through despite forgetting lines, getting away with wearing rubbish false eyelashes twice, and using Cheryl Cole’s ‘kooky’ quota for the next six years. But, you know. Well done, and everything.

THE SHOW IS OVER.
THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT SPLENDID.
I MISS AIDEN, HE WAS MORE SPLENDID THAN SUCRALOSE-BASED ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER SPLENDA

 

Absolutely no relevance to this post, but look at his little face.

TOMORROW HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
Paije went away, forever.   Dermot announced his name with a shocked tone, even though it was not at all surprising, they have been trying to shift him for weeks. Cher went near Shakespear’s Sister AGAIN despite the restraining order, and all 16 finalists returned for a jaunty David Bowie singalong, which was in honour of ‘The Soldiers’ (I’m not being disrespectful). I’m all for making money for a good cause, but surely there are better ways to raise such funds than dressing all in white and turning to face a choir – singing a severely altered version of a David Bowie song? Couldn’t they just get Fiona Bruce to get her thighs out again or something? Also – excluded from the performance was Nicolo, Wagner, FYD  (WHO I HAD BEEN ON TENTERHOOKS TO SEE FOR SEVEN LONG BRUTAL WEEKS). This really doesn’t help confirm the rumours that they all die of Louis Walsh-related deaths, though.

THANKS FOR READING. (More likely, it was skimming, which I would probably encourage)

 

ALL YOU NEED IS ‘the above’ – SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR LESS AWFUL THINGS HOPEFULLY

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2 Responses to “A HARD DAY’S NIGHT”

  1. Georgia November 22, 2010 at 9:32 am #

    Once again, fucking hilarious. Comment section seemed a tad lonely so thought I would demonstrate that commenting won’t hurt you. If anyone following @team_aiden DOESN’T comment, I will smite you. Hehehe.

  2. Georgia November 22, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    i remembered that i commented here this morning, in a daze of morning-ness, and realised i said something about smite-ing people. got very paranoid that smite doesn’t mean what i want it to mean, so did a quick google search.

    it means what i thought it meant.

    “smite (smt)
    a. To inflict a heavy blow on, with or as if with the hand, a tool, or a weapon.”

    I WILL SMITE YOU IF YOU DONT READ THIS BLOG!
    hahahahahaineedsleep

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