28 Nov

Welcome back, I missed you. I’ve been sat at home gazing into the empty husk of ITV waiting for the big shiny flashy lights to come back on. My week has been mostly Alan Titchmarsh-based.

Last Week!

Was so terrible, that Paul McCartney’s hidden contempt was too overpowering, and he finally succumbed to gravity

This week!

It’s…Rock Week!

Rock music of course, recently introduced to us by Simon Cowell in 2009 when he met a man with an afro, and thought. ‘Hmm, that’s pretty out there.’

So in keeping with the theme of Rock Week, Dermot has worn a slightly tighter waistcoat, and is wearing what appears to be a slightly lighter shade of grey. (Revised Procol Harum titles) Everyone will be singing (U)2 SONGS. I am suddenly thinking back to a simpler time, where only Alan Titchmarsh’s soothing tones were my focus in life. But times move on and Wagner sings Radiohead – as the old saying goes.

Did someone deliver a basket of disregarded pieces of glittery fabric with a note saying ‘Please take care of me’ to Cheryl at some point earlier this year? Because she’s wearing more SHIT GLITTER. (I know there’s an available pun there, but I just can’t.) Oh, Simon stops her from saluting too. Which is brilliant. I wish Simon had been wearing his fangs during that. It’s combined winning actions such as this which hinder the Apocalypse. I look forward to finding out what Cheryl doesn’t know about music this week. The Will.I.Am theme week is still on ice I assume.


My Happy Place.

The worst kept secret ever is the fact that Wagner is doing Creep this week. What is surprising, however is that he is performing first. I had a sneaking suspicion/Desperate hope he would be on last – in a glorified LED display of colours and glory and sex. He would be accepted, finally. And Wagner Karate would go GLOBAL. (Still no news of local lessons in my area).

No such luck. Instead, Wagner stands alone singing Creep. He sings from the heart STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES. That’s Biology, for you. Obviously when the X Factor starts veering towards your favourite bands, people start getting nervous, and angry. But when Wagner does it – it is a compliment. A compliment to music. All is well. Until Louis Walsh declares the lyrics of Creep to be ‘I’m a Creep. I’m a Winner.’  Inspired. Thom Yorke purposely shoots himself, just so he can roll around in his own grave.  Dermot invites Thom to call in and tell us what he thought. HE’S DEAD, DERMOT. DEAD.


I swear Dermot is saying ‘Wand Erection’ on purpose. For the larks, of course. Well I’m laughing. Or crying. My emotions have all jarred together. Still – it’s good he can still have a laugh despite such copious amounts of grey introduced into his life. That waistcoat is literally sewed on to his chest.

One Direction are now introduced, which sufficiently kill any mild sexual liberation I may have just started to feel over waistcoats. They are singing It Doesn’t Matter but probably Something Awful – by Bryan Adams. Did the XF Producers not learn anything from general opinion, or failing that – Storm Lee? No. I’ve just remembered they sang Summer of ’69. The best days of all of their lives, I’M SURE. They weren’t even born in 2009, let alone 69 – so I think this song choice was a bad call. Damn you Simon. Blaming it on Harry too, you bitch. Harry doesn’t even know who Bryan Mcfadden is, let alone Bryan Adams. Nice ringlets, though. That, my friends – is perspective. I have no idea how they sang the song, by the way. I’ve just found out that Bowling for Soup (me neither) once did a cover of Summer of ’69 though. So, at least things are looking vaguely positive for the boys – if you look at it from that point of view. See? Pers-pect-ive.


Disaster. Mary is running rapidly low on Bassey covers now. It’s a bit like the oil-shortage, but actually important. Considerably. I am ‘not familiar’ with this particular U2 song, but not because I am ignorant of a world before Akon. (I MISS THAT WORLD) but moreso because I know that one day I will die, and it would be unfair to waste this precious time I have on this utter non-song when there is so much Will Young in the world yet to be discovered. As for Mary – she who opens her mouth wide, opens it widest – I don’t know. It wasn’t really anything other than a woman. On telly. Which is fine, I guess. Gosh – I really should stop complaining.


Last night in a not-so dramatic showdown, Cher was in the bottom 2 alongside Paije. It was declared a SHOCK again. This term has been used to describe every single Bottom 2 thus far, for seven years. It was moreso just an ‘Oh’. A far more accurate term. Last week, there was a massive error of judgement made and Cher drabbed her way through in a drab dress and drab stairs. It really said a lot for last week that a set of stairs was the central argument of the show. It wasn’t even a full staircase either, which makes it even more tedious. Can’t help suspect Simon was dead proud of himself, and wrote it down on those ambiguous notepads they all seem to have under the ‘Jokes’ section of the spreadsheet. This week Cher has been given her own clothes back, and completely reversed everything – pretending it never happened. To improve Cher it has somehow been deduced that this is only possible by singing Avril Lavigne. I still haven’t got over when Diana Vickers sang this, and Dannii said it reminded her of Debbie Harry. It wasn’t quite up to Lenny Henry standard, but still made the very essence of my soul whimper softly, like a small dying kitten.

Nonetheless Cher will sing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. Girlfriend of course, being the turning point in Avril’s career where she dyed her hair pink and started wearing skirts which completely botched up my admission that it was okay to wear long sleeved shirts under short sleeved shirts in my teen years. Damn you, Avril. I THOUGHT YOU ACCEPTED ME. Cheryl wisely proclaims the song choice as being more ‘pop-rock’ as if it has never been thought of before. The Pitchfork offices go into meltdown, with a new musical hybrid realised. 2011 is going to be mental.

As for Cher’s actual performance – it was more of the same Lady Sovereign, volumised hair shitstorm that will rain down upon us for months to come. Dannii is the only one that actually says it was shit (Not at all paraphrased). I LOVE YOU DANNII. (Also on ITV2 last week when asked ‘How do you feel’ when she lost Paije – she simply said ‘Like shit’. Which was really, excellent form.) 


Last week, I had nothing to say about Rebecca so I posted a picture of a field. I promise not to be as cruel this week, and will value Rebecca’s song choice and ‘unique’ (Billie Holiday who?) voice with the respect it is due. This week! Rebecca is going to rock out and treat us all to a bit of I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, by U2! Cheryl tells us it’s going to be like nothing we’ve seen before. Ah, I see what she did there. I think. I wait, baited breath – on a wide, glittering ocean of tenterhooks. Hmm. Oceans…



After something presumably happened, we are greeted to our last remaining boy. Last week, Matt sang Vests is Bests and There is a horrible montage of Matt going through the now DEAD boys from his category. God, it makes me so depressed that Katie Waissel is apparently more appealing than Aiden and Nicolo, and Paije’s cardigans. If I had a labotomy, I would be so much more in tune with this programme, I feel. Rebecca’s performance has helped me on the way to achieving that however. So big thanks.

Matt is singing LAZIEST SONG CHOICE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I love Rock and Roll. Because it is Rock Week. And we love that. I think that’s the message that is trying to be conveyed. At least when Ruth Lorenzo sang this a couple of years ago, she accessorized the song with a BIG LEATHER CORSET. Take that VESTS.

Matt sings it, with dancers showing him their vaginas mid-song. That is the power of a vest. I can’t judge it vocally, because of all of the vaginas. But I assume it was fine, it’s hardly a vocally demanding song. Or lyrically demanding. Or musically deman- oh you get it.

At the end of the performance he says ‘hats off’ to the other contestants, which is funny because he used to wear a hat – which means his comment had double-meaning. He’s a complex character.


What is UP with this woman? Is she, or is she not – in a 1930’s Sci Fi thriller? Because her continued insistence that she is ‘THE REAL ME’ has got me wondering. Basically, I’m subtly insinuating that Katie has alien pods hidden in the boot of her car. This week, Katie is going to sing Sex On Fire MY HAIR. Oh, and her gran’s a proz. Dontcha love The News? So I’m hoping the same awkward judges conversation about ‘Lyrics of songs’ comes up, as it did for Wagner.

She sings. Alright, I think? Not that it’s relevant at all. She looks SO much like Neil Buchannan.


Yay! Simon actually alludes to the gran-prozzie thing, which is kind of cool. Katie looks uncomfortable. Brilliant. I’m utterly enchanted by the fact that Jamie Afro is trending on twitter after her performance. Did Louis call her a ‘little female afro-less Jamie Afro?’ or something and I missed it? Because I don’t want to have to rewind my Sky Plus and see her STUPID FACE more than three times in one evening. Life SO owes me one.


Alright, life – we’re even. Fantastic. This guy again.  Wagner is now singing Addicted to Lobes. Well, aren’t we all. Only your lobes though Wagner. And the rest of you. He has his sexy dancers back, who are all dressed to emulate the Robert Palmer video. Fair dues – he worked hard, now he gets to play hard. At sex. With women. A game in which everybody wins.

And bless him, because it would be incredibly difficult to perform this song without us all inexplicably comparing it to one of the Great X Factor Performances of All Time.

It’s a traditional Wag-performance, he moves elegantly and the same conversation about Wagner’s relevance in the competition is brought up again. Louis Walsh’s argument is basically the same – which he announces with such nobility, akin to Churchill’s speeches. This argument is essentially ‘PEOPLE ARE VOTING FOR HIM SO HE MUST BE GOOD.’  This is the worst argument ever. If the entire human race embodied the same opinions as the majority of X Factor voters, I might be more inclined to ship in more of Katie’s Alien pods, and create a new society.

A purer race?


You are so beautiful, to me. Sings Harry and his friends. Eurgh. Simon Cowell really really hates music, doesn’t he. They sing it in that Unique One Direction Way, of standing there, with hair, and such.
I do like them though. And they will obviously win, because you can throw as much bland music at them as possible and they remain as enigmatic as ever. It’s either an ingenious musicality that has given them this ability, or supple, fresh skin.  So you can deduce by yourselves which category you fall into, there.  You know I already know.


Eurgh. No, not again. I do like her, I do concede this. But I’m too young to understand the validity of Mary as a singer. Too old to understand One Direction. There is nothing for me anymore. 21 IS NO LONGER THE AGE OF VIBRANT POSSIBILITY. She is singing The Pretenders, Brass in Pocket. I’m so good at this on Singstar. And so is Mary, as it seems. She is wearing a leather jacket, too. Aah – I’m beginning to ‘get’ her now, due to this. But the whole performance, as Dannii rightly says (Seriously, love you Dannii) that it is too karaoke. I still reckon I’d beat her at Singstar though. Just. She might get more golden notes than me. Although I can also open my mouth very wide, so she’s in for a competition. Much bigger than this silly ITV thing she’s doing. Well now I’m revved up.


Right, so Rebecca may or may not have sang a U2 song for her previous perfomance. I assume that this second performance, will be TOTALLY AWESOME in comparison. Well, it already isn’t U2 – so it must be. Unless it’s Olly Murs. I assume Cheryl Cole would think Olly Murs was a rock singer. She’s singing I can’t get no satisfaction! She’s DANCING in her VT. Ooh, this is very interesting. Even Rebecca herself mentions that she’s not exactly been a ray of light in the competion thus far – so finally we will get to see a newer Rebecca. With moving legs. I’m making ‘ooh’ noises in my head at the thought.

The Ooh! rapidly transforms into a dissapointed Oh. She’s doing the Aretha Franklin version of I Can’t Get no Satisfaction, and she’s standing! Okay, okay – standing next to DANCERS – okay, well done. That so doesn’t count. I thought this woman auditioned for P-Diddy’s AllStars or something? Surely a show with such a title would include a vast variety of pulling shapes. For now, the only shape she is pulling is a very straight rectangle. She is very pretty and nice though. That was a good performance too. Her hair looks nice also.I’d quite like to take her for brunch. She’s definitely a brunch person. I seem to be veering.


For her next performance she is singing Everybody Hurts by REM.

I’m sorry, but I need her to stay away from this. She can do all the faux-Gwen Stefani a gal can muster. But she can’t sing Everybody Hurts, with misty eyes and expect us all to weep in unison with her. No. NO THANKS, I’LL JUST TAKE THE BILL PLEASE.


I wonder why Matt didn’t want to be called Matthew Cardle instead. Think of all those other Matthews he could have been grouped with. Matthew Kelly. Matthew Wright from the Wright Stuff. Okay, maybe sticking to Matt was the best idea. He is singing Knights in White Satin. Hurrah, I like this song. He has his magic guitar again, which makes The Population of X Factor hail him as a musical genius. In fact it does get mentioned on ITV2 (By Danny Dyer, no less) how he is unaccountably ‘real’ by having a guitar. Nobody has ever played a guitar? Blimey, I suppose that is pretty good then. I AM ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH AS YOU, MR DYER.
On the performance – I love it actually. In a Post-Aiden dystopia, Matt is the only person in the show who I can now like as an actual singer. I would happily have the X Factor finish on this performance. But instead I have to contend with Cher singing Aerosmith.


Cher does lots of rapping an’ that. This isn’t even as good as the Sugababes/Girls Aloud version. This is such a rubbish anti-climax. Thank god I have jelly. 

Right, That’s quite enough of that. I am sufficiently ‘rocked out’ or whatever it is people with leather jackets say.

Tomorrow – in some sort of horrific awful turnaround – Justin Beiber and ‘A Boyband’ will be performing. And then Mary and Katie will be in a sing off together, and everyone will cry.  I CANNOT WAIT.




  1. Ian November 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

    Great blog again, as always. Loved Matt’s Nights in White Satin (yes, I thought it was Knights as well!) although he could’ve attempted to strum (strime?) properly. And, although it’s not relevant, Cher looks very zitty in HD 😉

  2. melissaaaa November 28, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

    these blogs get better & better
    actually laughed out loud at points :))
    i too am a huge fan of Aiden so thumbs up to you!
    i agree with basiciall everything you say which makes
    it more entertaining!
    the weasel must go! that 2nd song was a shocker!
    thankyou 🙂 x

  3. Babygirl November 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm #

    Very nice article

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