6 Dec

Good evening!

The blog is late because I was out watching Aiden sing at ChavDiscos until 8am, instead of the Cher&OneDirection amalgram of Testes on ITV1. I’m now tucked up in bed judging them all, armed with cupasoup – where I belong. This means I have to watch X Factor on ITV’s SHITTY PLAYER (Which is actually what it’s called)

It’s time – to face – the *Buffering, please wait*


You know what’s more annoying than 6 advert breaks?

7 advert breaks, presumably.

But also REALLY FUCKING SLOW LOADING AD BREAKS. And its ALWAYS the same one. It’s Balls, I tell you. I apologise for comparing  everything as Man bits, tonight. I was just trying to sex up the place now that the gaping absence of Wagner has left the building. I was so sad. His hair was so well conditioned.

So this week it’s Club Classics apparently. Presumably like the ones I had to listen to last night. Which means nobody actually needs to sing – just stand there mid-strobe light going unchunch will suffice really, with vomiting children in pleather in a Brian-choreographed masterpiece. Iwantthistoactuallyhappen.

Exclusive: Nobody wants to go home. They’re all very adamant about that. Especially Mary. She wouldn’t like that much. So I’m sure nobody is going to take that away from her. *Has already watched the Results show.*

So, yeah. Let’s see what the ratio of Actual Club Classics to Songs that an amateur DJ may have played at Someone’s party Once is!


Woah, alright. One nil to my cynicism, Rebecca actually is singing a Clubby type song. It’s that one that goes ‘you’ve got to show me love’ and she’s got dancers and a massive platform to emphasize the fact that OMG SHE’S WALKING, or whatever. It’s quite good actually. She’s wearing shiney black stuff, she knows how to reel me in. She’s still a bit of a field though. And if you were to ask me whether I enjoyed the badly buffering cute snow cat advert or that, I think you all know what I would choose. I REALLY WANT TO BUY CUTE SNOWY CATS (I assume that is what the advert was for.) There’s a funny moment when the judges give their comments and Louis says it was ‘the best of the night’. She was first on.


“Being in the bottom two last night just made me think ‘Oh Sugar”. Which is available at various supermarkets round the country, by the way. I wouldn’t be thinking of sugar at a time like that, to be honest Mary. Although Wagner was presumably thinking about ladies’ bottoms during his performance. But this is also true of every waking second in his life. So many bottoms…

Mary’s singing ‘I’m never going to say goodbye – I’m going to say Ooh Ooh instead’ or something to that effect. I am ‘not familiar’ – because I listen to music with guitars in. It’s a bit Not Bassey-y this week too, and wearing a black shiney thing. I do like shiney things, so props to her. This is a bit rubbish, and it doesn’t sound like she’s singing it in the right ‘order’. Unless this song is just really crap and lacks structure. Ooh ooh. I think X Factor is done with Mary. Sad face.  Well, slightly indifferent face. But I was trying to show that I had a heart. But then I remembered that only Mary has a heart, as Louis confirmed a couple of weeks ago. (And then in no way, didn’t ram the point home every single fucking second since then. IT’S NOT EASY, BEING ABSENT OF VITAL ORGANS, LOUIS.)


Matt’s been poorly. He talks in his VT about having tonsilitus, and then also for some reason about the fact that ‘he’s glad hes’ got style now.’ God – he really liked that vest, didn’t he? Vests is Bests.

He’s singing You’ve Got the Love. I’ve never heard of this song ever, apart from every single day since 2009. Damn you Florence. Candi Station totally owns your stupid, square chin. And your stupid-Oh, okay it’s stopped buffering now.

Oh I like it. How odd. Well, yes he does sound a bit croaky I guess but he makes a very good job of it.  He isn’t doing Batman-Come Together voice at least. Okay, he is a bit. And they’ve promoted him to an electric guitar this week too. The producers and such have been quite instrument-friendly this series, haven’t they? Oh alright, it’s mostly been Matt and Katie’s pretend keyboard, but I remember how it was a massive deal when Laura White played the piano a couple of series’ ago. Then she got voted out. Audience don’t likey actual talent. She didn’t wear enough leather.

I should stop veering on to such talk. Wagner’s absence has clearly given me ‘the sex shakes’. (You can make up your own mind what ‘sex shakes’ are. Perhaps leave me a comment, we could make it a ‘feature’)

More moronic statements in Judges Corner, with Simon proclaiming ‘I had a cold this week aswell and you don’t see me complaining.’ Baring in mind, Matt actually had tonsillitus, which can cause vocal issues and that he is a SINGER IN A SINGING COMPETITION of course. Dannii cleverly incorporates the song title into her comments. GENIUS. Yes, Matt does have the love. Also, I like Matt’s shirt. Just thought I’d say.

Wow a Christmas Cornflakes advert. Does this make cornflakes slightly less rubbish? No.


Cher’s wearing a tux. COOL. I’m enjoying the styling this week. Nothing to do with the fact that I got Grace Woodword to tweet me and we’re now bessie mates, by the way. Now – this is moreso the fact it’s a SHINY BOW TIE. Heeheehee. She’s singing a song about being a beautiful girl in the world. Aaah right, I get the lesbian tweets now. Well I LOVE LESBIANS and I actually think this is good. I actually quite like the soft little flicks she does with her voice too. Oh god, what am I turning into? An actual person who likes her actually? Wow.


Simon “I just had a cold and you don’t see me complaining” Cowell is not here to mentor the boys this week, so pawns them off on Cheryl. They’ve all come dressed as Dermot O Leary this week. Louis looks weird in that grey jumper. Are those..’pecks’? This boy just made someone a Get Well Soon card. Those can’t be pecks.
They are singing the new Rhianna song, which is AWESOME. (The song, not the fact that they are singing it. I don’t like that) It’s, you know. Bitrubbish. What else can I say? That I enjoyed their well positioned harmonies? No. I can’t say that.


Matt’s up again, and he’s doing GOODSONG Womanny Bob Dylan thing. Oh, it’s not club classics anymore. It’s just normal songs or whatever. This possibly means music with actual music in it, which I’m always down for. He’s a bit croaky on it, and Cheryl looks concerned. At the end he tries to break out the big guns (No, not the vest) with a big bit at the end, but his voice can’t handle it and it all goes a bit off. And then he goes ‘ooooooh.’ Simon’s like ‘yeah it was well rubbish’, and Louis’s like ‘No way man it was well good.’ It was alright – I like that song, and I like Matt. But I don’t like tonsillitus, so that put a dampener on things. Even if I hadn’t already seen the results show I would be confident in saying he would make the final. Yay, and such. I want him to win. Stupid One Direction and their stupid young skin.


Louis is still confident she can win the competiton. Except for when he totally said on Xtra Factor that she wouldn’t win a few weeks ago. So yeah. This time around she’s singing The Way We Were. NOT – Memories from Cats, which is what I thought it was at first, which terrified me, because of how off the first line was. Although the first line of Memories from Cats isn’t ‘Memories’ – so I don’t even know what I’m on about. If you do want to see a middle aged woman fucking up Memories from Cats though, go see Susan Boyle’s BGT Semi-final performance. *Shudder*But no, this is Streisand. God, Louis gives her so many ‘I’m really Old’ songs, doesn’t he. The way we WERE, Because now I’m old. It’s a standard Mary performance. Bit o’ Bassey, black sparkly number, harking back to the good old days. Lots of hand grabbing. Oddly enough I quite like it – WOAH WOAH she just started crying, hello. What for? This is awful. Cheryl’s all like ‘chill out, you’ve had a good run’. But basically, what they’re saying is – she’s definitely not going to the final. In fact, nobody even suggests it might be. When Dermot interviews her afterwards, she says ‘It was a happy tear for the loved one that I lost’. How is that happy? Someone died. Well rubbish. It’s rubbish when people die. Either way – I’m very aghast now. I’d rather not be aghast. Oh god, Karl Pilkington Sky Plus advert. Okay now I’m crying.


“This song makes me feel every emotion under the sun” says Cher. What? Sadness? Happiness? Fear? A mild skin irritation? She’s singing Love the Way you Lie. So that’s Rhianna and Eminem respectively. From what it sounds like in the VT – she’s going to do a conglomorate of both versions, joy of joys. Cheryl wants everyone to see in Cher what she sees in Cher. Surely that is just YOUR OWN FACE, though, Cheryl? Eurgh the stupid cocking ITV Player has crashed. But I bet it’s really really rubbish. Okay it’s back now. Sing-rap-sing-rap. Yeah yeah, alright Cher. Nice one. She’s not even wearing anything shiney to make this more interesting for me. OH, but there is fire. Yay. Flamey. Louis loves it. Dannii says she would have liked her to sing a ballad to get her to the final. Was that not…kind of a ballad? Sans the rap, obviously. Oh god – I don’t know music anymore. Without Wikipedia I am NOTHING. Simon spouts some crap about ‘not selling out by doing a ballad’ – yeah yeah Si, you love NOT SELLING OUT. That is so not you. Grumble mumble. Besides, what about the other week when she totally sold out and did a ballad in her save-me performance? Then Cher goes all catty bitch mcgee and says that ‘Yeah Ballads have been done, I wanted to put a new twist on English music.’ What the fuck does that even mean? And all the judges clap because Cher apparently said something bold, apart from Dannii who has daggers coming out of her face. I’m pro-Team Minogue, so Cher can shut up and stuff. ‘Ballads have been done.’ – Says the girl who sang Stay twice.


Eurgh, because Rebecca was like ‘OH BLOODY HELL ALRIGHT THEN, I’LL FUCKING DO UP-TEMPO’ earlier on, she now never has to do it again apparently and can go back to some of those awful ‘Sell out ballads’ that we all love. It’s Amazing Grace, too. Why do they keep doing this to her? I miss her being all fit in the earlier weeks doing Peggy Lee in red hernia dresses. Now they’ve just given her the God Makeover like they did with Stacey last year. I want Jarvis Cocker to get his bum out. (Not – just in general) Oh god – there’s also a choir, which is basically X Factor’s way of saying ‘We have accepted you.’ As for the performance itself – well –

I’m not trying to say she’s middle of the road. I’m trying to say that SHE IS A ROAD.

And with that we are done! Bravo to all.


EDIT: This is how memorable One Direction’s second performance was. I completely forgot to write it in.


The new Black Eyed Peas song is amazing and I LOVE FERGIE. Just wanted y’all to know. I’ve just seen both shows back to back, so seeing Alexandra Burke singing that big ballad and stuff with all the upside down violinists was 80,000 times better than Rebecca. I feel like a bit of a meanie, I used to really like Rebecca. I just don’t like the fact they’ve turned her into God – and I don’t like that guy. Wow, Rebecca just made me blaspheme. Bitch.

In the bottom 2 – it was inevitably Cher and Mary – both previous Bottom two candidates. Cher is singing – oh jesus she isn’t singing Stay…wow. That’s not fair, I wanted to bully her, and it would have been hilarious. Mary’s doing This is a Man’s World. Again. LAZY BITCH. Yay. Got my fun. Very very obviously – it was Mary that went home. And thank god, because Debenham’s were running out of  black evening gown selections. I did like Mary, I did. But she really lost her footing in the later stages of the competition, and Louis making her out to be 40 years older than she was just meant she wasn’t going to suit any demographic because her demographic would be DEAD.
I think – based on what they did with her, it was the right decision. Even though there shouldn’t have been a Bottom Two this week anyway, there hasn’t been before. Surely at this point it should be about viewers votes, and popularity as a potential winner. But no. Simon wanted Cher, so he wins all the time. Why don’t I ever get to win? I would hate to play Scrabble with him.

That is it for tonight. The final 4 are



I wonder if Niall will go to second base with Simon when they win…



  1. melissaaaa December 6, 2010 at 10:28 pm #

    LOL, this is the funniest yet :’)
    loved the bit about Niall 🙂
    i thought it was only me who noticed how he’s always
    the first to give him a big ‘ol hug!
    i totally agree about one D’s 2nd performance,
    i mean blahblahblah.
    sex shakes: when you think of aiden *dreams*
    i think you should continue posting a little image of Aiden like you did a couple of weeks ago, really birightened up the blog ;D
    thankyou, was a good read amongst my GCSE revision D:

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