IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

12 Dec

47 BILLION PEOPLE APPLIED  

NOW ONLY 54,213 REMAIN.

Well, yeah. Basically – it’s the final. You know what that means? Tiled firework blog background, that’s what.

So this is it. The last one. The finalé to end all finalés. Well, apart from tomorrow. THEN it’s over. Apart from the tour. Then it’s over. Well, until the next series, which starts like a week later… My firework background is mocking me.

Tonight, as you well know – Cher vs Matt vs Rebecca vs One Direction will be vying for the ultimate prize of a slightly shadowy looking album cover. I can hardly wait. I have some microwaveable beans in a box. This is going to be a wild one.

There’s an X Factor XBox game now? It looks a little like The Sims and Singstar combined – except shit. How the hell did they manage to do that?

OH GOD IT’S HERE

Massive flashback, black and white, slow motion, echoes. All those happy memories! Remember when Cher sang Turn Your Swag On? And when Cher sang Stay? And when Cher got through to the final? Seriously X Factor editors – she can’t be that great a shag, but she is all the fuck over this shop. NO WONDER KATIE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SHINE.

Simon says ‘there’s going to be a shock tonight’. There isn’t. Unless he’s wearing his fangs and/or glasses. Come on, Si it’s the NotFinal. Live a little. The X Factor studio is glowing gold. Dermot is spinning. It’s time.

Oh excellent. The four finalists have masses and masses of mental idiots supporting them from their respective home towns, alongside ITV2’s floor department commentating. One of my favourite things about the final, mostly because they’re so unfucking necessary. When was the last eloquantly-put response we got from one of those live broadcasts?

THE FINAL 16 ARE BACK DOING FLASHDANCE – WHAT THE HELL

So we kick off tonight’s NotFinal with all of the 16 contestants doing one last mime. Like the good ol’ days. And by ‘final 16′ I mean Aiden, TreyC and Katie will get to sing a little, and then they’ll let Cher do a four minute rap. Like the good ol’ days. Thank god they phased that out. Flashdance doesn’t even HAVE a fucking rap, it has dancing welders. How dare they replace dancing welders with Cher. DANCING WELDERS TO WIN. I have missed TreyC’s leather so much.

They’re letting Belle Amie sing? And yet they practically ban Nicolo from TV? God, nobody knows anything about anything, do they? HAHA LOOK ITS THE GLASSES ONE FROM FYD. I genuinely thought they had died. I also notice that Mary didn’t get a lead vocal part. She is there though, if I wear four pairs of glasses, and zoom in the tv until it is nought but a mass of pixels, and get my amateur Criminal Identikit set out to try and decipher the faces.

Ah. There she is at the back. N’aww, she looks lovely.

MATT CARDLE

Dannii looks beautiful in red ruffles, and introduces Matt’s VT, Meet the Cardies! Everyone cries. The Cardle/Mary Byrne tear ratio is off the scales, folks. Especially Matt’s dad, who is chuffedtobits, and can’t even speak he is so choked up. Matt does a laddy ‘punch’ thing, to try and reaffirm some masculinity. Whilst wearing a cardie. Aww. Matt Cardie.

COME ON FOLKS, LET’S MAN UP A BIT – SHALL WE? How shall we do this? How shall we man up Matt Cardle?

Fuck it. Dido. It’s the final (Kind of). What the hell. Tonight Matt’s massive risk is Here with Me. YEAH LET’S SHOW EM. GRRRR. He’s wearing a waistcoat. *Flexes* I think you can still tell his voice is still flu-addled, a little. He’s nowhere near as strong as he was with Yellow Brick Road and such. Assumingly why he’s been given Dido, so he can easily soar through it and it still sounds impressive. Dido is the ultimate in CopOut X Factor performances. Remember how well White Flag worked for Diana a few years ago? Hmm, yeah. You get it.

I must say, Matt has defied the X Factor usual standards by making it this far in the competition despite being shunted to perform first, or early on – very very frequently. So props to him. Ooh, ghost violinists. Brian has been very morbid, this series. Everyone says how good Matt is, because you’re not allowed to be mean to them in the Final. If Wagner had been here, Cheryl would have been contractually obliged to CRAWL UP HIS DELICIOUS BUM. Which would have been wonderful, as Bum-Climbing always is.

Stacey Solomon is Essex’ Outside broadcaster for Matt – and it is just.

Now I have to stop talking about bums and tell you about how rubbish Rebecca was.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Rebecca VT. Tears, endless tears. Rebecca compares herself to The Beatles. I guess that Mission Coming Out of Shell we established for her in Week One was a roaring success, eh? Someone makes Cheryl a cup of tea. She says thanks.

CopOut Song Choice Number 2 comes in the shape of Just like a bloody Star, by Corinne Bailey Rae. Not only is it a really easy song to sing, akin to the Dido choice, but this was already sung by Rebecca at Boot Camp. At Boot Camp, it worked quite well, because it requires a stripped down vocal. But to sing it in an X Factor notfinal? I blame Mary for using up the Bassey-quota for the series in Week fucking three. I keep swearing. Sorry about that, but it is the Notfinal after all.

Rebecca is really ballsing it up. Suddenly notes are of no importance, and then four men come along to revolve her on her pedastel, if things weren’t lazy enough. She is such a field. There is an awful moment too, where they try and incorporate a key change into the song. And it doesn’t work. I mean, ouch, Rebecca. I used to really like her, I bloody married her at her first audition. Then there was a glorious honeymoon period. Plenty of intercourse. We had a trial seperation around about Candle in the Wind, and we’ve been dividing up our Billie Holiday record collection since Yesterday. Sheisstillprettythough.

ONE DIRECTION

Escalating, scarily higher and higher – are One Direction. Who have come a long long way in the competition. After all, they were only concieved at Boot Camp. In fact, by this reasoning, they haven’t even been born yet and they’re megastars. God, how depressing. *Has another box of beans*. The guys are really bringing out the big guns for their Final Performance. And that is – Harry Styles’ mum. There is a lovely moment, where they stare lovingly at eachother too, in some sort of Survival of the Fittest. (This pun, will make up for the awful one I’m going to hit you with in a couple of moments.) God, she’s hot. A Very Merry Milfmas (See.) love Mrs AidensMum and Mrs Styles this year, courtesy of the X Factor.

Alongside, all the SEX WITH HARRY’S MUM in the VT, the boys go up and down to their respective home towns to make young girls they’ve never met before cry. Some girl looks like she’s just awoken from a coma with ‘I love Niall’ on her face. I assume that someone beat her up and wrote that? Nobody voluntarily loves Niall, he’s the one you get last-dibs on at the school disco when Harry has stolen your date. After all – Harry is the hot one, Liam is the smart one (probably. I’m genuinely basing this on the fact that he has a deep voice.) Louis is the comical one, Zayn is the Can’tSing one, and Niall is the ‘one who looks like when he grows up he will wear a lot of sheepskin’ one. Cosmogirl might want to take a note for that one, for future captioning purposes. To rub salt into Niall’s gaping inadequate wound, the boys do not visit Ireland, because of all the damn snow.

One Direction sing Your Song. Why? I genuinely thought we’d escaped it when no one sang it on Elton John week. They appear to be doing the Ellie Goulding Advert version. Louis has his hood up. What the hell is he doing? Don’t One Direction get four million votes per follicle that is on show? Missed a trick, there Louis. Oh – I see. It’s snowing. Because apparently the theme for this performance is ‘Things we are definitely not Sick of’. The vocals are quite good, there’s an odd screechy moment where Harry gets a bit carried away. But EVERY follicle is on show, so he’s fine. Louis (walsh, this time) tells everyone in Ireland to vote for Niall. (Does Niall have his own number…?) Why? They didnt even bloody VISIT Ireland, the bitches. On to the important bit (THE OUTSIDE BROADCAST) where The hot one from Corrie is in Doncaster – which apparently is the mathematical average of all of One Direction’s home towns combined. Everyone screams a lot. A tram does not crash into them all.

CHER LLOYD

Next up is CHER LLO-Yeah, me neither. Gosh, she slipped through the net didn’t she? Cher goes home. Cheryl gets ANOTHER cup of tea, freeloading cow. Although perhaps not as freeloading as Cher’s brother, who does the most unconvincing ‘I’m so proud of you’ speech and then gets a massive hug off Cheryl. I don’t like the look of this fellow. He looks like he smokes those awful cigarettes and drinks that awful beer-stuff. Not. to. be. trusted.

Aw, this is Cher’s last solo performance (Disregarding the 943,322 backing singers and enhanced backing vocals) of the series. She is singing Tales of Mother Goose remixed with Missy Elliott. Well I’m sure we all saw that coming. Hey, no fair – you’re only allowed to wear your pyjamas for X Factor if you’re sitting at home watching it. Cher’s do look quite comfy, though. Fair play. She does a really really good ‘QUIEEEEEEEEET’ thing at the end. Aw. I’ve had such oddly mixed feelings from Day 1 (Of X Factor, not from my birth) for Cher. But all in all – I think I quite like her. I just hate the music she likes. Oh, and she still should ‘stay’ the fuck away from Shakespear’s Sister.

The judges comments to Cher are quite foreshadowing of her inevitable decline. Louis, with a stupid smile pasted on his face says ‘Hey! You’re in the final! Who’d have thought it?’ to a massive BITCH-EYES stare from Cher. God..this isn’t going to be fun. The Outside broadcast is Scott Mills, with lots of fans, including Cher’s headmaster who says how brilliant she is. If I went on X Factor, my headmaster would have no idea who I was, but Cher’s headmaster talks as if they were kindred spirits. Lots of After-Class Detention heart to hearts, perhaps. Maybe Bad-Ass = The Secret of Success. Oh god, I’m never saying ‘Bad-ass’ again, I feel very ill all of a sudden. There is an amusing moment when Cher is interviewed after the Outside Broadcast in which she says ‘Ah yes. I saw a lot of familiar faces’ with such disdain. Oh come on Cher, fess up. Who was the bitch and who was the bigger bitch? Did one of them nick one of your fags, once?

MATT AND RIHANNA

It’s duet time! Matt is singing with Rihanna for the first performance. Were Shed 7 really not available? Oh well, I guess Rihanna will have to do. I can’t help wonder if Matt genuinely likes Rihanna or not. Nonetheless, he seems quite excited. I guess she is pretty hot. Hurray. Here comes the absolutely pointless VT, where they pretend like it’s a secret who he is performing with. Despite, you know – it being officially announced in the press conference earlier this week. Oh well. Oh hurray, again – they’re singing Unfaithful. Matt really does look like Derren Brown when he wears suits. Still though, he’s not exactly Rihanna’s perfect match is he? I look forward to the presumably horrifically forced chemistry.

Yeeep, there it is. I love X Factor’s logic though. Fire makes everything better. Fight fire with fire. Do everything Tom Jones says, basically. Aw man, Matt can’t falsetto anymore. Where did that power go? Maybe since he split with Grace he has been given slightly looser trousers by the Style team. Nonetheless – this is oddly awesome. What is wrong with me. Then Dermot comes along and completely ruins any attempt at sexual attention and says a joke, that I still can’t understand after about four listens. He either says ‘Are you the star, or something?’ or ‘Aretha’s car is burning?’ But I’m not sure. Probably the latter. Oh, Derm.

REBECCA AND CHRISTINA AGUILERA


Oh alright, fine…

I’ll tell you what I think this was like. It wasn’t so much a duet of sorts, moreso Rebecca doing a solo performance of Beautiful for X Factor, and upon milding it up to such extreme levels, news breaks out – and Christina Aguilera, upon hearing about this – drops everything, runs to the X Factor Studio and gatecrashes Rebecca’s performance, chanting I’ll bloody do it then!’ And do it, she does. Doing all the ‘wooawooahs’ that she likes to do. Bless. What do they even mean? Are they coded ‘woahawoahs’? We’ve now reached the point where Rebecca can’t be arsed singing anymore, so Christina does her bits, too. Here, have Beyonce/Alex to show you what an actual duet is. (by X Factor standards.) It doesn’t even look as if Beyonce is trying to promote anything here, either. THE DAYS OF YORE.

One last thing, Rebecca. If Christina Aguilera sings “DON’T YOU BRING ME DOWN TODAY” to you, you DAMN WELL DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS AND ONE DIRECTION

Robbie Williams. One Direction. And yet – this was the best duet of them all.
So Robbie’s track record with XF has been…a little hazy over the years, but like a Waissel Warrior, Simon keeps pushing them out for more. MORE BREAKDOWNS, PLEASE. Unfortunately, I think Gary Barlow started hiding Robbie’s methanol the moment Take That officially re-banded.

Okay, so Robbie is a little wider-eyed than needs be, but they all sing all the words, all the time – and do HIGH FIVES. And then Robbie gives out ICE CREAM, and balloons! It’s amazing. I want Robbie to run my parties when I have a child. God, lucky kid. When I had birthdays as a child, I didn’t even have a pinyata. They just sat me down in the living room, and I played with the fire brush.

CHER AND WILL.I.AM

LOOK IN THE SKY. It’s CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Cher is performing with Will.I.Am, obviously. They cover two basic eras of the Black Eyed Peas. The era before Will.I.Am discovered Dirty Bit, and the era after. The Black Eyed Peas’ career has been akin to The Holy Book in so many ways, wouldn’t you think?

I liked this performance a bit. But let’s just say it. If it’s not Fergie – then what is the point in Will.I.Am. They could have just wheeled out Cheryl, she was only sitting over there. That would have actually been good (Good: Really awful). This is alright. Nah, its not – but you know. At least Cher actually sung her portion of the song.

OH GOD THAT’S IT. (Kind of.)

The performers have finished! Bad tidings. So what now, for the next forty minutes – pray tell? Oh. I guess that would be Rihanna plugging something, and Christina plugging something. You mean they didn’t come here to meet Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle? GOOD ON YA, ROBBIE AND WILL, who had the common decency to plug their singles on previous weeks. Oh wait a minute, Rihanna’s already performed too. Well. Meurgh.

Oh no. The results are frozen.

*Studio becomes encased in ICE and GHOST VIOLINISTS and bits of Storm Lee’s DEAD CARCUS*

CHER BITES IT.

Alas. We all saw it coming. Cher saw it coming from the first time she was placed in the Bottom 2, and henceforth is graceful in defeat. Hey, at least she knows how the show works. Even Katie thought she could still win it when she had been in the Bottom 2 for the 76th time. Are we enjoying EXAGGERATED NUMBERS, this evening – everyone?

And after 45 hours of my life, it’s time to say goodbye. Forever. Until tomorrow.

Who will win?

Like I’ve been saying for 10 weeks, it will be One Direction. We’ve been with them through their conception, their birth, their ‘terrible twos’, Zayn’s ‘rebellious phase’, and lots more. How could they not be our winners. But tune in, anyway – it’s their bar mitzvah tomorrow.
GOODNIGHT FOREVER (NOT REALLY)

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2 Responses to “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT”

  1. melissaaaa December 12, 2010 at 4:42 pm #

    hahaha love it (:
    made me laugh out loud quite a bit!
    i would say ‘Matt to win’ but after seeing the fate of
    Joe McElderry, i’m hoping OneD. or Rebecca will win, so that we can forget about them soon after!
    Matt&Aiden should join forces and become a powerful duo…(:…
    anyways thankyouuuu! 😀 x

  2. Bongos December 19, 2010 at 10:34 am #

    I know it’s been a week, but could you check this out? 😀 http://bit.ly/h14qSj

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