Review: X FACTOR, LIVE!

I genuinely went to this!

It’s time!

To dredge up!

THIS. AGAIN. REALLY.

And the best part about this, is that we’re all so happy about it. Because this means for the next 2 hours or so, we don’t have to read books, or talk to anyone about ‘things’, or think about Jesus – or whatever the hell it is we all do when X Factor’s on. We’re free. The lineup for the evening, (More or less) IS:

PAIJE

WAGNER

AIDEN

KATIE

ONE DIRECTION

MATT CARDLE

REBECCA FERGUSON

MARY BYRNE

HASTILY CUT VIDEOS OF DIANA VICKERS IN THE INTERVAL!

HASTILY CUT VIDEOS OF OLLY MURS IN THE INTERVAL!

HASTILY CUT VIDEOS OF ANT AND SEB IN THE INTERVAL!

WINE!

SHARED GLANCES OF DISDAIN!

And more!

Oh god, I can’t remember what order everyone went in. Not because I was engulfed in a sea of joy and happiness from all the glitter..and smoke..and..OKAY OKAY, THAT TOO. But mostly because the ordering was odd, some people sang more songs than others. Oh you know. I’m old, okay? And also, for some reason One Direction did 14 songs, which confused me a little – because I didn’t realise they were old enough to know what the word ‘song’ meant. Nonetheless, we must power through. If Dermot O Leary was here (Which he isn’t, because he’s clearly an idiot) – he would probably say something like this.

‘I must stress, buddy ol’ pals, that this gig review is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER.’

And it’s not. Because I’m senile. And it’s sad.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

We were a little late because we’d been eating noodles – (Fair play to us, noodles are nice) so we missed a little of Paije’s rousing opening number for the show. I think he was doing the Hey Ya/I’m a Believer mash-up that Cowell HQ gave Paije as a present for singing the biggest pile of (Luther Van) DROSS that I have ever seen for 5 weeks on the live shows. This week was the week they let Paije be interesting for a couple of minutes. In honour of this, The X Factor tour set designers have given him what seems to be, quite a big deal. I don’t know, really. He was interrupting our ‘Walking around in the dark’ time. Essentially some sort of mock-up Austin Powers funky clip-art has been set about all over the place, reminding us that, Hey guys! It’s Paije! Remember him? What a guy! What a man! He wore pink sometimes! Mental! He just brought a smile on everyone’s face, never got in anyone’s way – or complained. CLASSIC Paije. Remember? Remember??

In fact, Paije was so terrific, me and my friend Tash decided to not bother with finding our seats, and sat cross legged-wide eyed, and hopeful on the floor of the MEN Arena in silence, whilst Paije sang his heart out.

Oh wait, sorry. I for some reason misspelt ‘felt incredibly indifferent about the whole thing’ then. Never mind.

Later on, Paije sings another song! Killing me Softly, to be specific. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Because they made him. Even though on the programme that this tour is apparently based on, his version of Let it Be was quite good. Alas, they’ve already given Katie the ‘song from Beatles week that signified an emotional moment for the singer’ thing. God..that was a terrible week, wasn’t it. This evening is going to dredge back all these repressed things I fear. I may need to be held.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

Look, he’s attractive – alright? I’m sorry, but that is how I feel. What do you want me to do? Say he isn’t attractive, when he clearly is? That would be treason. Or blasphemy. Or fascism. Whichever fits better. And maybe a bit racist too. Yes. You massive racists.

Anyway. Aiden sings Diamonds are Forever. He has a big blue shiny stage. We’re still looking around for our seats at this point (Because we’re idiots) and so I’m not paying my full, undivided, sexy attention. But this is fine.  Because he is very nice. Eventually we sit down on our stupid idiot bottoms and enjoy him sing Shirley Bassey. He seems to be very confident. I can tell this because he walks around a lot. Heh. Yes, I suppose that was pretty clever of me to deduce wasn’t it.

Later on – Aiden comes back again. Always enjoyable. Firstly though, a quick aside. I know some people find X Factor cruel! And I have (for some aimless reason) devoted my soul into informing them, that The X Factor is so much more than just a machine using human beings as performing monkeys to fund Simon Cowell’s Sexy Lady and Magic Gold House Parties, but maybe in this instance, they were all correct – and Aiden is singing THAT SONG OFF DONNIE DARKO (I’m so sorry, Tears for Fears – I’m just trying to fit in with my core demographic 😦 ) on a fucking revolving pedestal on a central stage, where fans can literally crowd around and tear bits of skin off his feet if they so desired. I’m not saying I did, I’m just saying this option was basically available.

Nonetheless, here Aiden was, on a little stage spinning round and round before our very eyes. It was obviously all very moody and atmospheric, and I ‘felt’ things. Mostly just bits of Aiden’s vital organs on the floor that were being shared around by his fans on cocktail sticks, but aside from that – a very lovely performance indeed.

KATIE WAISSEL

After we recover from the initial shock that you are witnessing Katie Waissel performing to thousands of people at the MEN arena without anyone questioning anything, we all enjoy Katie singing her version of ‘The Beatles’ (Nope, me neither) ‘Help’. Her hair is blonde again, but don’t worry! She is STILL demure! Which I personally thought was an impossible thing to do without the aid of a meek brown cropped hairstyle! Shows what I know.

Now, listen. I am only going to say this once, and then I’ll make fun of her again. Just once. And then I’ll walk away.

She sang it well.

Right there. That’s another thing for us to all blame Yoko Ono for.

Katie returns later. She sings Oobeedoo, I’m likeable like you from the Jungle Book! Because this is what people like. People enhance their likings of other people if they have brown cropped hair – OR – they do SOMETHING WITH JUNGLES.

It is only those two things.

In the backdrop of Katie’s set for this performance, is a glowing Hollywood style billboard that proclaims:

KATIE WAISSEL!

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

Heh.

And if it didn’t mean the literal sense of that sentence, (Despite all logic and the universe pointing to the fact it should) the only other reason that the X Factor producers would be stupid enough to put up something like that, is if she’s…supporting that band One Night Only on tour. Or something. Oh, you know the ones. The ones that play the guitars.

Okay, the ones that did THIS – and nobody told them that it WASN’T OKAY.

WAGNER

I don’t really have much to SAY about Wagner, it’s more so just how I felt at the time. A very unusual burning sensation, really. Does anybody get that? Wagner did his Love Shack/She Bangs mash-up, which was almost as good as when I watched it on Youtube 416 times. But upon watching Wagner, I felt, like that lion he so lovingly tail held – Wagner was being trapped – in an X Factor Dystopia where he must play bongos for laughing children until his golden locks begin to wither. If I was, say, Wagner’s PR in this proceedings, I would see to it that he was properly fed and watered in a larger scale habitat, sans B52s. I would also let him nuzzle me. But only twice a day. I’d feed him chocolates and ask him about what really happened between him and Daniel Radcliffe. And if he doesn’t want to tell me, that’s okay. Because part of me feels, like I already know.

Wagner’s second performance is the Livin’ La Vida Loca/Spice up your Life mash-up. It is exactly the same as the other performance, except Wagner looks a tad more drug-addled this time round. I will just have to hum the O Fortuna/Cheryl Cole Council Estate rant mash-up that I was praying and hoping for in my head then.

MARY BYRNE

After me and Tasha ripping her to shreds emotionally and physically in the introduction VT sequences with such catty marks as ‘Her fringe looked a bit thin before, didn’t it?’ Mary takes to the stage in a CLASSIC Mary Byrne-style glittery top and sweeping long black trousers. I feel somewhat like..dare I say, a bit of a fashion icon, seeing Mary – because I think I bought the exact same trousers for a job interview working in a milkshake shop! I didn’t get it.

Mary sings Barry Manilow, which for some reason I completely forgot she sang on the show. HOW THE FUCK DID I FORGET THAT?

Then I remember that last time I saw this woman singing this particular song, she was wearing devil horns. So that particular memory was most likely sucked out of my system during all the therapy.

We both agree, that Mary yells in a particular lovely tone. And then off she goes back to her day job presumably. No! Not Tesco, you ignorant fools. She’s bigger than that now. Now she has the unmitigated honour of shaving Jane Mcdonald’s legs every couple of weeks. I knew she’d make it. *Tear*

Later on – Mary comes back! Looking a bit more ashamed than before. She sings ‘This is a Man’s man’s man’s world’ and she seems very adamant about that. So that’s fine, I’ll let her have that. It probably is a man’s man’s man’s world.

Oh shit, I’m a woman. I suddenly feel rather repressed.  Thanks a lot for bringing down the mood, Mary. Thanks a bloody bunch.

CHER LLOYD

Ah, okay. The famous one. This should be lovely and significant. Cher sings lots of songs, because she has red hair now, which means she is infinitely a better person than everyone else. Even though she is singing Avril Lavigne in a PVC tutu. She can do shit like that, and people aren’t allowed to argue. The Daily Mail reliably inform me that what Cher Lloyd is carefully carrying out is a ‘harajuku girl’ style ensemble. Now I, as I’m sure everybody else in Western civility probably feels too – had never heard of ‘Japan’ until this groundbreaking article, and was delighted to learn all about harajuku girls. Thank god Gwen Stefani had also put an input in about this completely unheard of fashion style a few years ago too. I just thought she was a bit batty! Cor, what did I know! Pokemon. How amusing.

There’s a wonderful, awesome, organ-swelling moment in which Cher performs a SONG THAT WASN’T ON THE MAIN SHOW, but this far into the tour, she is probably grimacing in disdain about singing it again anyway. But it’s good for me. It’s..yes, another mash-up – X Factor were just going through that ‘phase’ alright? But it’s the elusive Will Smith/Willow Smith one. The forgotten Cher Lloyd performance. It’s a bit like Atlantis, but more culturally relevant.

Oh fuck it, it’s awesome. No, just seriously – leave me alone in peace. I’m happier now. More at peace with my well being as a person.

Other Cher Lloyd performances include OBLIGATORY STAY. In which Cher instructs us all to ‘Stay with me’, to which I’m wringing my hands and awkwardly feet shuffling to going ‘Oh..really Cher? Really, must I? What about my future aspirations?’

She also sings SOMETHING ELSE. Which I’m going to let you assume is good. Or bad. Or ‘a Cher Lloyd performance’. Whatever, really. Is there no mystery left in life?  Here’s Neil Buchannnan to explain more.

REBECCA FERGUSON

I don’t remember this person on the X Factor. Yet here she stands. In  a knock off from the Sassy Ladies! section from the Don’t give a Shit Theatre Company no less. Everyone STANDS UP, for this woman. This woman who once let Christina Aguilera rape her on stage, on primetime Saturday Night television is now commanding OTHER PEOPLE TO STAND UP AND DANCE IN HER HONOUR. Okay, she never actually asks – but she does sing songs that use superlatives, which is basically the same thing.

Nonetheless, she seems to be doing this quite hot and good. (Botched grammar in an X Factor review? Unheard of, I know!) In an X Factor kind of way of course. Remember how she wasn’t a ‘Disco Diva’ (Christ, I’m sorry) in any way, shape or form on the show? And now apparently she is. Singing all the dancey songs that Cheryl suddenly realised suited her aprox. 5 minutes before the final. The soft, jazzy bullshit brigade has been offloaded on to the Waissel instead. Well, the main bulk that Leon Jackson didn’t gallantly absorb, 20,000 years ago.

ONE DIRECTION

I don’t know what to say. What do I say? Despite there being five of them, they still – as a conglomerate, are infinitely a better person than Olly Murs? Well, okay. If that’s what will make you feel better. For some reason, we have awesome seats for when the X Factor contestants are forced on to the Whore Stage at the centre of the stadium, and so begrudgingly put our 40 pounds to good use and edge nervously towards them. Akin to Meryl Streep’s child being dragged off to be killed, if you were looking for a visual.

Feeling a LITTLE BIT like massive pedophiles, I must say. But hey, I’m sure they get that all the time! Niall’s probably immune to all the trauma, let’s face it – he’s a pro now. In 60 years time (When he’s middle aged) I predict him to be on an interview sofa, voicing all this sexual trauma of the past, with a whethered, yet calm expression of acceptance. Like Mickey Rourke. Except without all the bullets and condoms that have been welded into his face, obviously.

One Direction sing LOTSANDLOTSOFSONGS. They are all about them being young, just like X Factor throws any ‘I’m old and alone, but I can STILL sing!’ lyrics at Mary on any opportunity. These songs are ‘Forever Young’, ‘Kids in America’, ‘Boom, Shake Shake Shake the Womb’ and an awesome Tales of Mother Goose/Hans Christian Anderson mash-up to conquer ALL mash-ups!

Oh also, I must add – that there’s a moment where Liam from One Direction looks directly into my face and eyes, and gives me a knowing look of ‘Yeah, you’re loving it’, basically. I would just like to inform all concerned, that I felt nothing from this glance, and I have continued my life since this moment, calmly, and without a niggling sense of sexual arousal for him.

Thankyou.

MATT CARDLE

OUR WINNER! OUR SAVIOUR! HE WEARS CORDUROY ON OCCASION!

This guy!

Matt Cardle finalizes this grand event, which kind of ruins the whole ‘Best til last’ tradition  that I thought we all enjoyed to stand by. You know, like desert.  So, in a way Matt Cardle is the restaurant equivalent of a pub lunch lasagne, that’s burnt at the edges. And makes a slight key change when you crunch into the Bechamel sauce. Do you all understand this analogy? Yes? Good, moving on.

Matt sings Lotsofsongs too. But it doesn’t matter in any way, shape or form – which songs these are. It moreso matters that sometimes he is high up, and sometimes he is walking across a bridge, and sometimes he is not. These are the facts. I don’t know if he was wearing a hat or not, because I was too busy thinking about how this grand bridge that he triumphantly walks across, is so in keeping with the idea of a JOURNEY. A journey he has taken. To middle of the road, to end of the road.

THE CHARITY SONG

Mary sings the ‘I still remember’ line, because she is old.
Aiden sings ‘Just for one day’ because he’s attractive.
Cher sings ‘And the guns’, because she’s a serial killer.
Paije sings? Maybe.
Katie sings ‘And the dolphins’, because she is wistful at all times.
Matt sings ‘We could be heroes’, because he isn’t second guessing anything, which is probably wise.
One Direction sing ‘We could be heroes’ too, because they could – if they EVER remember to be born.
Rebecca sings ‘Nothing could hide us away – yeah’ Because she’s COME OUT OF HER SHELL

And then they all sing all the other bits in harmony. Because of soldiers. Thanks soldiers.

And this is the end.

My favourite part of the gig was the bit where me and Tasha got to the front of the queue at the bar quicker than we expected. It was a pleasant surprise.

Top 10 WORST X Factor Moments

Oh, I never mentioned but – Matt won. He celebrated by doing this:

Aint he nice. But it wasn’t all fun and mild homo eroticism, and woman-beating. There was also those horrific dark moments of X Factor..that lingered beneath Wagner’s bongos. So, for one last time – it’s time to face the (probable) music…

 

1. Nicolo Leaving

The man who said ‘crap’ on ITV1 and then got promoted to saying ‘piss’ to Konnie Huq was the first to leave the X Factor final. Which in itself is the reason he should not have been eliminated. I blame Cheryl, who squinted and clenched her way through her Judges Response of Nicolo’s Just Dance. “IDONTLIKEIT – SIMON MAKE IT GO AWAY.” – Dick.

Of course, it wasn’t just this that led to poor Nicolo’s demise…

 

2. The Awkward Gamu Thing

To clarify, I was not a massive Gamu fan myself. But apparently, the entire rest of the UK and beyond was. Upon Gamu’s teary little face once she learnt her fate, WAR STARTED. I got a poorly knee. The Daily Mail slaughtered entire counties. Despite the fact – It was clear as Simon Cowell’s fake glasses  that Cheryl was going to pick Katie, Rebecca and Cher. Cher – because SHE STOLE CHERYL’S EYES. Rebecca because COME ON, OBVIOUSLY. And Katie, because Cheryl thinks singing sounds like this:

But it wasn’t the premature exit, the apparent ‘Visa’ issues that bothered me. Moreso the fact that – that walking on sunshine cover wasn’t THAT GOOD, was it? The Pixie Lott cover was..yknow. A Pixie Lott Cover. Was it because she wore a flower in her hair? A symbol of charisma perhaps? A symbol of NOTHING. Gamu was ‘alright’ – SHE WAS ALRIGHT, SHE WAS FINE. But apparently I am wrong – and she is a woman worth rioting for.

For the record – I TOO, can sing KC and the Sunshine Band. I too, am funky. Cheryl Cole presumably doesn’t like me either. So erm..war, anyone?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-11486081

3. Katie’s Mental breakdown Part #543

Oh sure, nobody was that arsed about TreyC. She just wore leather better than most…

(OKAY I DO MISS HER.)

But surely, surely she did not deserve to leave the X Factor – The Biggest singing Hair competition of 2010, when you’re singing TONI FUCKING BRAXTON against this:

THISISCHEATING. That’s not even her real hair.

4. PEOPLE LETTING CHLOE ‘MAFIA’ (Shut up) ON TELEVISION TWICE IN THE SAME YEAR

Oh, you know. The SLAAAAG. She was rubbish, also – and fucked up a Paul Weller song. GIVE ME ANGER. Simon, I know you’re a massive fan of people coming from council estates and going on a journey and coming out of it all wearing nicer mascara, but you are also a fan of Sinitta and Daniel Bedingfield. So, where do we go from here?

Here, apparently.

5. AIDEN’S EXIT

Obviously a ‘shock’ (Which was Buzzword of the Week the following episode) when one of the previous front-runners Aiden Grimshaw was eliminated by 0.20 percent of the vote, putting Katie Waissel through despite a record four times in the bottom two.  Obviously, quite annoying, because Aiden’s hair is FAR better than hers.

6.  DANIEL RADCLIFFE AND WAGNER NOT BEING SHOWN EVERY WEEK

Daniel Radcliffe meets Wagner

The greatest meeting of minds since…well, since Wagner met anyone, really – but yeah. They met. Daniel Radcliffe asked Wagner about lions. And then the BULLSHIT ITV1 EDITTING TEAM decided that was enough fun for one day, and presumably Cher sang Stay, as per usual. There is SO much footage of their entire conversation lost in the archives. This is MY Gamu.

7. MARY SINGING ‘THERE YOU’LL BE.’

Ack.

Okay, I’m not saying that this is the first time a contestant hasn’t been pitch perfect. But Ray Quinn wasn’t on the series, this year – so WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO. I just don’t like to tune in to DEPRESSED WOMEN on a Saturday Night. Depressed Women are for Tuesday Nights, with port. Lacking in port – what is the point. Still – it was better than this (Because everything tends to be…)

1.25.

8. THE EPIC JOHN ADELEYE/TREYC COHEN SING OFF IN WEEK 2

EVEN JOHN FORGETTING HIS LINES WAS BORING. God, at least Storm would have cried during a Bono backing track, or something.

9. LOUIS WALSH TRIES COMEDY

There isn’t anything to say.

10. WAGNER’S TRAGIC LOOK OF DISDAIN

And finally…

THE MOMENT WAGNER REALISED HE WAS WAGNER. Utterly heartbreaking.

1.45

My GOD.

GOODNIGHT FOLKS

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

47 BILLION PEOPLE APPLIED  

NOW ONLY 54,213 REMAIN.

Well, yeah. Basically – it’s the final. You know what that means? Tiled firework blog background, that’s what.

So this is it. The last one. The finalé to end all finalés. Well, apart from tomorrow. THEN it’s over. Apart from the tour. Then it’s over. Well, until the next series, which starts like a week later… My firework background is mocking me.

Tonight, as you well know – Cher vs Matt vs Rebecca vs One Direction will be vying for the ultimate prize of a slightly shadowy looking album cover. I can hardly wait. I have some microwaveable beans in a box. This is going to be a wild one.

There’s an X Factor XBox game now? It looks a little like The Sims and Singstar combined – except shit. How the hell did they manage to do that?

OH GOD IT’S HERE

Massive flashback, black and white, slow motion, echoes. All those happy memories! Remember when Cher sang Turn Your Swag On? And when Cher sang Stay? And when Cher got through to the final? Seriously X Factor editors – she can’t be that great a shag, but she is all the fuck over this shop. NO WONDER KATIE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SHINE.

Simon says ‘there’s going to be a shock tonight’. There isn’t. Unless he’s wearing his fangs and/or glasses. Come on, Si it’s the NotFinal. Live a little. The X Factor studio is glowing gold. Dermot is spinning. It’s time.

Oh excellent. The four finalists have masses and masses of mental idiots supporting them from their respective home towns, alongside ITV2’s floor department commentating. One of my favourite things about the final, mostly because they’re so unfucking necessary. When was the last eloquantly-put response we got from one of those live broadcasts?

THE FINAL 16 ARE BACK DOING FLASHDANCE – WHAT THE HELL

So we kick off tonight’s NotFinal with all of the 16 contestants doing one last mime. Like the good ol’ days. And by ‘final 16′ I mean Aiden, TreyC and Katie will get to sing a little, and then they’ll let Cher do a four minute rap. Like the good ol’ days. Thank god they phased that out. Flashdance doesn’t even HAVE a fucking rap, it has dancing welders. How dare they replace dancing welders with Cher. DANCING WELDERS TO WIN. I have missed TreyC’s leather so much.

They’re letting Belle Amie sing? And yet they practically ban Nicolo from TV? God, nobody knows anything about anything, do they? HAHA LOOK ITS THE GLASSES ONE FROM FYD. I genuinely thought they had died. I also notice that Mary didn’t get a lead vocal part. She is there though, if I wear four pairs of glasses, and zoom in the tv until it is nought but a mass of pixels, and get my amateur Criminal Identikit set out to try and decipher the faces.

Ah. There she is at the back. N’aww, she looks lovely.

MATT CARDLE

Dannii looks beautiful in red ruffles, and introduces Matt’s VT, Meet the Cardies! Everyone cries. The Cardle/Mary Byrne tear ratio is off the scales, folks. Especially Matt’s dad, who is chuffedtobits, and can’t even speak he is so choked up. Matt does a laddy ‘punch’ thing, to try and reaffirm some masculinity. Whilst wearing a cardie. Aww. Matt Cardie.

COME ON FOLKS, LET’S MAN UP A BIT – SHALL WE? How shall we do this? How shall we man up Matt Cardle?

Fuck it. Dido. It’s the final (Kind of). What the hell. Tonight Matt’s massive risk is Here with Me. YEAH LET’S SHOW EM. GRRRR. He’s wearing a waistcoat. *Flexes* I think you can still tell his voice is still flu-addled, a little. He’s nowhere near as strong as he was with Yellow Brick Road and such. Assumingly why he’s been given Dido, so he can easily soar through it and it still sounds impressive. Dido is the ultimate in CopOut X Factor performances. Remember how well White Flag worked for Diana a few years ago? Hmm, yeah. You get it.

I must say, Matt has defied the X Factor usual standards by making it this far in the competition despite being shunted to perform first, or early on – very very frequently. So props to him. Ooh, ghost violinists. Brian has been very morbid, this series. Everyone says how good Matt is, because you’re not allowed to be mean to them in the Final. If Wagner had been here, Cheryl would have been contractually obliged to CRAWL UP HIS DELICIOUS BUM. Which would have been wonderful, as Bum-Climbing always is.

Stacey Solomon is Essex’ Outside broadcaster for Matt – and it is just.

Now I have to stop talking about bums and tell you about how rubbish Rebecca was.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Rebecca VT. Tears, endless tears. Rebecca compares herself to The Beatles. I guess that Mission Coming Out of Shell we established for her in Week One was a roaring success, eh? Someone makes Cheryl a cup of tea. She says thanks.

CopOut Song Choice Number 2 comes in the shape of Just like a bloody Star, by Corinne Bailey Rae. Not only is it a really easy song to sing, akin to the Dido choice, but this was already sung by Rebecca at Boot Camp. At Boot Camp, it worked quite well, because it requires a stripped down vocal. But to sing it in an X Factor notfinal? I blame Mary for using up the Bassey-quota for the series in Week fucking three. I keep swearing. Sorry about that, but it is the Notfinal after all.

Rebecca is really ballsing it up. Suddenly notes are of no importance, and then four men come along to revolve her on her pedastel, if things weren’t lazy enough. She is such a field. There is an awful moment too, where they try and incorporate a key change into the song. And it doesn’t work. I mean, ouch, Rebecca. I used to really like her, I bloody married her at her first audition. Then there was a glorious honeymoon period. Plenty of intercourse. We had a trial seperation around about Candle in the Wind, and we’ve been dividing up our Billie Holiday record collection since Yesterday. Sheisstillprettythough.

ONE DIRECTION

Escalating, scarily higher and higher – are One Direction. Who have come a long long way in the competition. After all, they were only concieved at Boot Camp. In fact, by this reasoning, they haven’t even been born yet and they’re megastars. God, how depressing. *Has another box of beans*. The guys are really bringing out the big guns for their Final Performance. And that is – Harry Styles’ mum. There is a lovely moment, where they stare lovingly at eachother too, in some sort of Survival of the Fittest. (This pun, will make up for the awful one I’m going to hit you with in a couple of moments.) God, she’s hot. A Very Merry Milfmas (See.) love Mrs AidensMum and Mrs Styles this year, courtesy of the X Factor.

Alongside, all the SEX WITH HARRY’S MUM in the VT, the boys go up and down to their respective home towns to make young girls they’ve never met before cry. Some girl looks like she’s just awoken from a coma with ‘I love Niall’ on her face. I assume that someone beat her up and wrote that? Nobody voluntarily loves Niall, he’s the one you get last-dibs on at the school disco when Harry has stolen your date. After all – Harry is the hot one, Liam is the smart one (probably. I’m genuinely basing this on the fact that he has a deep voice.) Louis is the comical one, Zayn is the Can’tSing one, and Niall is the ‘one who looks like when he grows up he will wear a lot of sheepskin’ one. Cosmogirl might want to take a note for that one, for future captioning purposes. To rub salt into Niall’s gaping inadequate wound, the boys do not visit Ireland, because of all the damn snow.

One Direction sing Your Song. Why? I genuinely thought we’d escaped it when no one sang it on Elton John week. They appear to be doing the Ellie Goulding Advert version. Louis has his hood up. What the hell is he doing? Don’t One Direction get four million votes per follicle that is on show? Missed a trick, there Louis. Oh – I see. It’s snowing. Because apparently the theme for this performance is ‘Things we are definitely not Sick of’. The vocals are quite good, there’s an odd screechy moment where Harry gets a bit carried away. But EVERY follicle is on show, so he’s fine. Louis (walsh, this time) tells everyone in Ireland to vote for Niall. (Does Niall have his own number…?) Why? They didnt even bloody VISIT Ireland, the bitches. On to the important bit (THE OUTSIDE BROADCAST) where The hot one from Corrie is in Doncaster – which apparently is the mathematical average of all of One Direction’s home towns combined. Everyone screams a lot. A tram does not crash into them all.

CHER LLOYD

Next up is CHER LLO-Yeah, me neither. Gosh, she slipped through the net didn’t she? Cher goes home. Cheryl gets ANOTHER cup of tea, freeloading cow. Although perhaps not as freeloading as Cher’s brother, who does the most unconvincing ‘I’m so proud of you’ speech and then gets a massive hug off Cheryl. I don’t like the look of this fellow. He looks like he smokes those awful cigarettes and drinks that awful beer-stuff. Not. to. be. trusted.

Aw, this is Cher’s last solo performance (Disregarding the 943,322 backing singers and enhanced backing vocals) of the series. She is singing Tales of Mother Goose remixed with Missy Elliott. Well I’m sure we all saw that coming. Hey, no fair – you’re only allowed to wear your pyjamas for X Factor if you’re sitting at home watching it. Cher’s do look quite comfy, though. Fair play. She does a really really good ‘QUIEEEEEEEEET’ thing at the end. Aw. I’ve had such oddly mixed feelings from Day 1 (Of X Factor, not from my birth) for Cher. But all in all – I think I quite like her. I just hate the music she likes. Oh, and she still should ‘stay’ the fuck away from Shakespear’s Sister.

The judges comments to Cher are quite foreshadowing of her inevitable decline. Louis, with a stupid smile pasted on his face says ‘Hey! You’re in the final! Who’d have thought it?’ to a massive BITCH-EYES stare from Cher. God..this isn’t going to be fun. The Outside broadcast is Scott Mills, with lots of fans, including Cher’s headmaster who says how brilliant she is. If I went on X Factor, my headmaster would have no idea who I was, but Cher’s headmaster talks as if they were kindred spirits. Lots of After-Class Detention heart to hearts, perhaps. Maybe Bad-Ass = The Secret of Success. Oh god, I’m never saying ‘Bad-ass’ again, I feel very ill all of a sudden. There is an amusing moment when Cher is interviewed after the Outside Broadcast in which she says ‘Ah yes. I saw a lot of familiar faces’ with such disdain. Oh come on Cher, fess up. Who was the bitch and who was the bigger bitch? Did one of them nick one of your fags, once?

MATT AND RIHANNA

It’s duet time! Matt is singing with Rihanna for the first performance. Were Shed 7 really not available? Oh well, I guess Rihanna will have to do. I can’t help wonder if Matt genuinely likes Rihanna or not. Nonetheless, he seems quite excited. I guess she is pretty hot. Hurray. Here comes the absolutely pointless VT, where they pretend like it’s a secret who he is performing with. Despite, you know – it being officially announced in the press conference earlier this week. Oh well. Oh hurray, again – they’re singing Unfaithful. Matt really does look like Derren Brown when he wears suits. Still though, he’s not exactly Rihanna’s perfect match is he? I look forward to the presumably horrifically forced chemistry.

Yeeep, there it is. I love X Factor’s logic though. Fire makes everything better. Fight fire with fire. Do everything Tom Jones says, basically. Aw man, Matt can’t falsetto anymore. Where did that power go? Maybe since he split with Grace he has been given slightly looser trousers by the Style team. Nonetheless – this is oddly awesome. What is wrong with me. Then Dermot comes along and completely ruins any attempt at sexual attention and says a joke, that I still can’t understand after about four listens. He either says ‘Are you the star, or something?’ or ‘Aretha’s car is burning?’ But I’m not sure. Probably the latter. Oh, Derm.

REBECCA AND CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Oh alright, fine…

I’ll tell you what I think this was like. It wasn’t so much a duet of sorts, moreso Rebecca doing a solo performance of Beautiful for X Factor, and upon milding it up to such extreme levels, news breaks out – and Christina Aguilera, upon hearing about this – drops everything, runs to the X Factor Studio and gatecrashes Rebecca’s performance, chanting I’ll bloody do it then!’ And do it, she does. Doing all the ‘wooawooahs’ that she likes to do. Bless. What do they even mean? Are they coded ‘woahawoahs’? We’ve now reached the point where Rebecca can’t be arsed singing anymore, so Christina does her bits, too. Here, have Beyonce/Alex to show you what an actual duet is. (by X Factor standards.) It doesn’t even look as if Beyonce is trying to promote anything here, either. THE DAYS OF YORE.

One last thing, Rebecca. If Christina Aguilera sings “DON’T YOU BRING ME DOWN TODAY” to you, you DAMN WELL DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS AND ONE DIRECTION

Robbie Williams. One Direction. And yet – this was the best duet of them all.
So Robbie’s track record with XF has been…a little hazy over the years, but like a Waissel Warrior, Simon keeps pushing them out for more. MORE BREAKDOWNS, PLEASE. Unfortunately, I think Gary Barlow started hiding Robbie’s methanol the moment Take That officially re-banded.

Okay, so Robbie is a little wider-eyed than needs be, but they all sing all the words, all the time – and do HIGH FIVES. And then Robbie gives out ICE CREAM, and balloons! It’s amazing. I want Robbie to run my parties when I have a child. God, lucky kid. When I had birthdays as a child, I didn’t even have a pinyata. They just sat me down in the living room, and I played with the fire brush.

CHER AND WILL.I.AM

LOOK IN THE SKY. It’s CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Cher is performing with Will.I.Am, obviously. They cover two basic eras of the Black Eyed Peas. The era before Will.I.Am discovered Dirty Bit, and the era after. The Black Eyed Peas’ career has been akin to The Holy Book in so many ways, wouldn’t you think?

I liked this performance a bit. But let’s just say it. If it’s not Fergie – then what is the point in Will.I.Am. They could have just wheeled out Cheryl, she was only sitting over there. That would have actually been good (Good: Really awful). This is alright. Nah, its not – but you know. At least Cher actually sung her portion of the song.

OH GOD THAT’S IT. (Kind of.)

The performers have finished! Bad tidings. So what now, for the next forty minutes – pray tell? Oh. I guess that would be Rihanna plugging something, and Christina plugging something. You mean they didn’t come here to meet Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle? GOOD ON YA, ROBBIE AND WILL, who had the common decency to plug their singles on previous weeks. Oh wait a minute, Rihanna’s already performed too. Well. Meurgh.

Oh no. The results are frozen.

*Studio becomes encased in ICE and GHOST VIOLINISTS and bits of Storm Lee’s DEAD CARCUS*

CHER BITES IT.

Alas. We all saw it coming. Cher saw it coming from the first time she was placed in the Bottom 2, and henceforth is graceful in defeat. Hey, at least she knows how the show works. Even Katie thought she could still win it when she had been in the Bottom 2 for the 76th time. Are we enjoying EXAGGERATED NUMBERS, this evening – everyone?

And after 45 hours of my life, it’s time to say goodbye. Forever. Until tomorrow.

Who will win?

Like I’ve been saying for 10 weeks, it will be One Direction. We’ve been with them through their conception, their birth, their ‘terrible twos’, Zayn’s ‘rebellious phase’, and lots more. How could they not be our winners. But tune in, anyway – it’s their bar mitzvah tomorrow.
GOODNIGHT FOREVER (NOT REALLY)

TOP 10 X FACTOR MOMENTS 2010

So after about..9 years, the X Factor finally will be drawing to a close this upcoming Saturday. Who’s sad? Yes – me. I’m sad. Let’s get cake.

1. PUNCH AND NUDEY

The audition process since they changed it to having the ridiculous audience haven’t been my favourite stages in the past 2 series’ of X Factor, sure. But if it’s more likely that having an audience results in Primark-clad teenage girls punching eachother, then I am warming to the loveable yelling idiots.
‘Ablisa’  were not just unaccountably shit-legends for casual bodily violence, but for calling Louis Walsh ‘a fit old man’, not quite knowing whether or not they were sisters, auditioning for X Factor ‘cuz like dunno’ and if they didn’t think that they had enhanced phedophila quite enough – then this happened.
NSFW – And not safe for ANYTHING really.

2. MAKING THEM ALL DANCE AT BOOT CAMP

The forbidden dance

How can we degrade these people more? LET’S MAKE THEM DANCE. Oh, it was spectacular wasn’t it. Total props for Mary for just getting up there and stealing my moves.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I EXPECT YOU TO DO, MR MALIK.

It was very bizzare, watching them all encased in this bubble from Choreography from the 90s, but dance – they did. Except for a pre-One Direction Zain, who didn’t want to. So Simon, out of the goodness of his stone cold heart – went backstage and MADE HIM, and this was somehow turned into a sentimental bonding moment between the lad and his future mentor. But the whole thing was still quite funny, in a sort of ‘Someone really should have stopped Simon Cowell from watching Glee before he came to work today’ type way.

3. WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERES A WAISSEL

Love her, or want to stab her eyes out with little pins – Katie Waissel was one of the top talking points about X Factor 2010.  So we will make a miniature top ten within the top ten (I am in many ways, like Shakespeare.) of Katie’s most ‘Katie’ moments

1. Not actually properly singing a song to get through to Boot Camp! But hey! That’s just her.
2. Boot Camp furry hat.

Okay not a TOP moment, but admittedly quite nice.

3. The Waissel family’s unusual career aspirations
4. The constant (alleged) shagging of all things. James Blunt..bloke from Apprentice..Matt Cardle..The entire production team. Topshop. The loins of a FIGHTER.
5. Neil Buchannan Makeover = My favourite thing ever.
6. You know what…SOD IT. *Sits on the stage and does a big Art Attack.*
7. SHE’S THE JUNGLE VIP
8. Being in the Bottom 2 for a record breaking 4 times, but in the end – kicked out in a massive anti-climactic double eviction with Wagner.
9. Green Eyed World Part 5
10. This.

4. THE GROUP PERFORMANCES

More brilliance from the world of Brian and his minions – with the Group Performances, performing VERY VERY BAD SONGS, every week. Wagner rapping to Sonny J, Paije doing the WORST MIME EVER, Matt and Aiden clearly just taking the mick, the weird corresponding outfits…so so so much denim…Their performance of Telephone is my particular favourite. Stop calling, stop calling! Even though it’s the results show, you REALLY NEED TO STOP CALLING. PS: Wagner’s k-kinda busy. So don’t even bother.

5. IDIOCY FROM JUDGES CORNER

Here are the top 5 most mental moments from this year’s X Factor’s judging panel.

1. “You don’t want a tiger to lick you, you want a tiger to bite you.” – Simon
2. Konnie: How do you feel losing 2 acts in the space of 2 weeks? Dannii: Like shit.
3. Cheryl comparing One Direction to THE BEATLES.
4. Cheryl knowing FUCK ALL about Elton John.
5. And of course…

Hehehe.

6. AIDEN GRIMSHAW – DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

My favourite performance from X Factor this year was the way too early departed Aiden singing Diamonds are Forever in Week Three. After he admitted to being ‘a bit rubbish’ in the week previous with Jealous Guy – he totally came back like a bitch with this excellent Arctic Monkeys-do-Bassey homage. And he had a microphone made of chains, which was MINT. Pretty much the only X Factor performance I’ve ever enjoyed from a ‘Wow, I actually like this as MUSIC’ point of view. A rarity. Although Wagner doing O Fortuna was a  pretty close second…

A really close second.

7. THE OUTFITS

Under the command of Grace Woodward (no, not just Matt. Wahey? etc.) the X Factor contestants stole some of the glory of Cheryl’s Baco-Foil of the Week outfit choices. Cher’s tuxedo, Wagner’s bleeding eye, Aiden’s straight jacket, Rebecca’s hernia dress, Paije’s 1992, Katie’s helmet…The Big Red HairDye Fiasco of Week Two…

8. X FACTOR ON TWITTER

From Matt Cardle’s Hat, to Katie Weasel – the Twittersphere was awash with X Factor Twitterati this year, with the most wonderful 140 character witticisms the world has seen. And of course the X Factor contestants themselves use Twitter too – most prominently NICOLO – who after recieving the boot in the first live show (Belle Amie, I blame you somehow.) Nicolo drowned his sorrows instead of the most marvellous tweets of all time. Aside from Alan Sugar. Nobody out-tweets Alan Sugar.

Here are just a couple of my favourite X Factor Twitterings:

@Nic010
So I have x factor rehearsals for 4 days straight. Rehearsing WHAT exactly? I hope big orgy on live TV.
@Mattcardleshat
Quite drunk. So drunk. Me and Matt Cardles Sock are showing each other our willies!
@Popjustice
“Olly Murs with his brilliant debut album”. http://www.asa.org.uk/Complaints-and-ASA-action/How-to-complain.aspx
@Stuheritage
I want to write a power ballad for Mary, called Cleanup On Aisle Seven (Of My Heart)
@Razzamatazzz
X FACTOR’S SHIT. GOOD SHIT, THAT IS. (Follow this account, she’s amazing – seriously.)

9. WAGNER DISCOVERS BONGOS

The shock. The shock that went through my heart on the first live shows, where halfway through She Bangs, Wagner banged too. Before he found the blessed instrument, I thought he was just a throwaway novelty act. How wrong can one person be? Apparently very very wrong.

LOBE SHACK. I would love to be in a lobe shack with Wagner. Can someone set that up for me, please?

10. SIMON COWELL’S FANGS

If you feel so obliged, please send me your Top 10 X Factor moments from this year, and we can all gorge on the memories to death until we’re crying because it’s ALL OVER. Christmas is going to be shit.

JOHN ADELEYE, I’M ONLY DANCING

Good evening!

The blog is late because I was out watching Aiden sing at ChavDiscos until 8am, instead of the Cher&OneDirection amalgram of Testes on ITV1. I’m now tucked up in bed judging them all, armed with cupasoup – where I belong. This means I have to watch X Factor on ITV’s SHITTY PLAYER (Which is actually what it’s called)

It’s time – to face – the *Buffering, please wait*

FUCKCICSOKDSPI.

You know what’s more annoying than 6 advert breaks?

7 advert breaks, presumably.

But also REALLY FUCKING SLOW LOADING AD BREAKS. And its ALWAYS the same one. It’s Balls, I tell you. I apologise for comparing  everything as Man bits, tonight. I was just trying to sex up the place now that the gaping absence of Wagner has left the building. I was so sad. His hair was so well conditioned.

So this week it’s Club Classics apparently. Presumably like the ones I had to listen to last night. Which means nobody actually needs to sing – just stand there mid-strobe light going unchunch will suffice really, with vomiting children in pleather in a Brian-choreographed masterpiece. Iwantthistoactuallyhappen.

Exclusive: Nobody wants to go home. They’re all very adamant about that. Especially Mary. She wouldn’t like that much. So I’m sure nobody is going to take that away from her. *Has already watched the Results show.*

So, yeah. Let’s see what the ratio of Actual Club Classics to Songs that an amateur DJ may have played at Someone’s party Once is!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Woah, alright. One nil to my cynicism, Rebecca actually is singing a Clubby type song. It’s that one that goes ‘you’ve got to show me love’ and she’s got dancers and a massive platform to emphasize the fact that OMG SHE’S WALKING, or whatever. It’s quite good actually. She’s wearing shiney black stuff, she knows how to reel me in. She’s still a bit of a field though. And if you were to ask me whether I enjoyed the badly buffering cute snow cat advert or that, I think you all know what I would choose. I REALLY WANT TO BUY CUTE SNOWY CATS (I assume that is what the advert was for.) There’s a funny moment when the judges give their comments and Louis says it was ‘the best of the night’. She was first on.

NON DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET

“Being in the bottom two last night just made me think ‘Oh Sugar”. Which is available at various supermarkets round the country, by the way. I wouldn’t be thinking of sugar at a time like that, to be honest Mary. Although Wagner was presumably thinking about ladies’ bottoms during his performance. But this is also true of every waking second in his life. So many bottoms…

Mary’s singing ‘I’m never going to say goodbye – I’m going to say Ooh Ooh instead’ or something to that effect. I am ‘not familiar’ – because I listen to music with guitars in. It’s a bit Not Bassey-y this week too, and wearing a black shiney thing. I do like shiney things, so props to her. This is a bit rubbish, and it doesn’t sound like she’s singing it in the right ‘order’. Unless this song is just really crap and lacks structure. Ooh ooh. I think X Factor is done with Mary. Sad face.  Well, slightly indifferent face. But I was trying to show that I had a heart. But then I remembered that only Mary has a heart, as Louis confirmed a couple of weeks ago. (And then in no way, didn’t ram the point home every single fucking second since then. IT’S NOT EASY, BEING ABSENT OF VITAL ORGANS, LOUIS.)

MATT CARDLE

Matt’s been poorly. He talks in his VT about having tonsilitus, and then also for some reason about the fact that ‘he’s glad hes’ got style now.’ God – he really liked that vest, didn’t he? Vests is Bests.

He’s singing You’ve Got the Love. I’ve never heard of this song ever, apart from every single day since 2009. Damn you Florence. Candi Station totally owns your stupid, square chin. And your stupid-Oh, okay it’s stopped buffering now.

Oh I like it. How odd. Well, yes he does sound a bit croaky I guess but he makes a very good job of it.  He isn’t doing Batman-Come Together voice at least. Okay, he is a bit. And they’ve promoted him to an electric guitar this week too. The producers and such have been quite instrument-friendly this series, haven’t they? Oh alright, it’s mostly been Matt and Katie’s pretend keyboard, but I remember how it was a massive deal when Laura White played the piano a couple of series’ ago. Then she got voted out. Audience don’t likey actual talent. She didn’t wear enough leather.

I should stop veering on to such talk. Wagner’s absence has clearly given me ‘the sex shakes’. (You can make up your own mind what ‘sex shakes’ are. Perhaps leave me a comment, we could make it a ‘feature’)

More moronic statements in Judges Corner, with Simon proclaiming ‘I had a cold this week aswell and you don’t see me complaining.’ Baring in mind, Matt actually had tonsillitus, which can cause vocal issues and that he is a SINGER IN A SINGING COMPETITION of course. Dannii cleverly incorporates the song title into her comments. GENIUS. Yes, Matt does have the love. Also, I like Matt’s shirt. Just thought I’d say.

Wow a Christmas Cornflakes advert. Does this make cornflakes slightly less rubbish? No.

CHER LLOYD

Cher’s wearing a tux. COOL. I’m enjoying the styling this week. Nothing to do with the fact that I got Grace Woodword to tweet me and we’re now bessie mates, by the way. Now – this is moreso the fact it’s a SHINY BOW TIE. Heeheehee. She’s singing a song about being a beautiful girl in the world. Aaah right, I get the lesbian tweets now. Well I LOVE LESBIANS and I actually think this is good. I actually quite like the soft little flicks she does with her voice too. Oh god, what am I turning into? An actual person who likes her actually? Wow.

ONE DIRECTION

Simon “I just had a cold and you don’t see me complaining” Cowell is not here to mentor the boys this week, so pawns them off on Cheryl. They’ve all come dressed as Dermot O Leary this week. Louis looks weird in that grey jumper. Are those..’pecks’? This boy just made someone a Get Well Soon card. Those can’t be pecks.
They are singing the new Rhianna song, which is AWESOME. (The song, not the fact that they are singing it. I don’t like that) It’s, you know. Bitrubbish. What else can I say? That I enjoyed their well positioned harmonies? No. I can’t say that.

MATT CARDLE 2

Matt’s up again, and he’s doing GOODSONG Womanny Bob Dylan thing. Oh, it’s not club classics anymore. It’s just normal songs or whatever. This possibly means music with actual music in it, which I’m always down for. He’s a bit croaky on it, and Cheryl looks concerned. At the end he tries to break out the big guns (No, not the vest) with a big bit at the end, but his voice can’t handle it and it all goes a bit off. And then he goes ‘ooooooh.’ Simon’s like ‘yeah it was well rubbish’, and Louis’s like ‘No way man it was well good.’ It was alright – I like that song, and I like Matt. But I don’t like tonsillitus, so that put a dampener on things. Even if I hadn’t already seen the results show I would be confident in saying he would make the final. Yay, and such. I want him to win. Stupid One Direction and their stupid young skin.

NON DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET 2

Louis is still confident she can win the competiton. Except for when he totally said on Xtra Factor that she wouldn’t win a few weeks ago. So yeah. This time around she’s singing The Way We Were. NOT – Memories from Cats, which is what I thought it was at first, which terrified me, because of how off the first line was. Although the first line of Memories from Cats isn’t ‘Memories’ – so I don’t even know what I’m on about. If you do want to see a middle aged woman fucking up Memories from Cats though, go see Susan Boyle’s BGT Semi-final performance. *Shudder*But no, this is Streisand. God, Louis gives her so many ‘I’m really Old’ songs, doesn’t he. The way we WERE, Because now I’m old. It’s a standard Mary performance. Bit o’ Bassey, black sparkly number, harking back to the good old days. Lots of hand grabbing. Oddly enough I quite like it – WOAH WOAH she just started crying, hello. What for? This is awful. Cheryl’s all like ‘chill out, you’ve had a good run’. But basically, what they’re saying is – she’s definitely not going to the final. In fact, nobody even suggests it might be. When Dermot interviews her afterwards, she says ‘It was a happy tear for the loved one that I lost’. How is that happy? Someone died. Well rubbish. It’s rubbish when people die. Either way – I’m very aghast now. I’d rather not be aghast. Oh god, Karl Pilkington Sky Plus advert. Okay now I’m crying.

CHER LLOYD 2

“This song makes me feel every emotion under the sun” says Cher. What? Sadness? Happiness? Fear? A mild skin irritation? She’s singing Love the Way you Lie. So that’s Rhianna and Eminem respectively. From what it sounds like in the VT – she’s going to do a conglomorate of both versions, joy of joys. Cheryl wants everyone to see in Cher what she sees in Cher. Surely that is just YOUR OWN FACE, though, Cheryl? Eurgh the stupid cocking ITV Player has crashed. But I bet it’s really really rubbish. Okay it’s back now. Sing-rap-sing-rap. Yeah yeah, alright Cher. Nice one. She’s not even wearing anything shiney to make this more interesting for me. OH, but there is fire. Yay. Flamey. Louis loves it. Dannii says she would have liked her to sing a ballad to get her to the final. Was that not…kind of a ballad? Sans the rap, obviously. Oh god – I don’t know music anymore. Without Wikipedia I am NOTHING. Simon spouts some crap about ‘not selling out by doing a ballad’ – yeah yeah Si, you love NOT SELLING OUT. That is so not you. Grumble mumble. Besides, what about the other week when she totally sold out and did a ballad in her save-me performance? Then Cher goes all catty bitch mcgee and says that ‘Yeah Ballads have been done, I wanted to put a new twist on English music.’ What the fuck does that even mean? And all the judges clap because Cher apparently said something bold, apart from Dannii who has daggers coming out of her face. I’m pro-Team Minogue, so Cher can shut up and stuff. ‘Ballads have been done.’ – Says the girl who sang Stay twice.

REBECCA FERGUSON 2

Eurgh, because Rebecca was like ‘OH BLOODY HELL ALRIGHT THEN, I’LL FUCKING DO UP-TEMPO’ earlier on, she now never has to do it again apparently and can go back to some of those awful ‘Sell out ballads’ that we all love. It’s Amazing Grace, too. Why do they keep doing this to her? I miss her being all fit in the earlier weeks doing Peggy Lee in red hernia dresses. Now they’ve just given her the God Makeover like they did with Stacey last year. I want Jarvis Cocker to get his bum out. (Not – just in general) Oh god – there’s also a choir, which is basically X Factor’s way of saying ‘We have accepted you.’ As for the performance itself – well –

I’m not trying to say she’s middle of the road. I’m trying to say that SHE IS A ROAD.

And with that we are done! Bravo to all.

 

EDIT: This is how memorable One Direction’s second performance was. I completely forgot to write it in.

RESULTS SHOW

The new Black Eyed Peas song is amazing and I LOVE FERGIE. Just wanted y’all to know. I’ve just seen both shows back to back, so seeing Alexandra Burke singing that big ballad and stuff with all the upside down violinists was 80,000 times better than Rebecca. I feel like a bit of a meanie, I used to really like Rebecca. I just don’t like the fact they’ve turned her into God – and I don’t like that guy. Wow, Rebecca just made me blaspheme. Bitch.

In the bottom 2 – it was inevitably Cher and Mary – both previous Bottom two candidates. Cher is singing – oh jesus she isn’t singing Stay…wow. That’s not fair, I wanted to bully her, and it would have been hilarious. Mary’s doing This is a Man’s World. Again. LAZY BITCH. Yay. Got my fun. Very very obviously – it was Mary that went home. And thank god, because Debenham’s were running out of  black evening gown selections. I did like Mary, I did. But she really lost her footing in the later stages of the competition, and Louis making her out to be 40 years older than she was just meant she wasn’t going to suit any demographic because her demographic would be DEAD.
I think – based on what they did with her, it was the right decision. Even though there shouldn’t have been a Bottom Two this week anyway, there hasn’t been before. Surely at this point it should be about viewers votes, and popularity as a potential winner. But no. Simon wanted Cher, so he wins all the time. Why don’t I ever get to win? I would hate to play Scrabble with him.

That is it for tonight. The final 4 are

 

MATT CARDLE
REBECCA FERGUSON
CHER LLOYD
ONE DIRECTION

I wonder if Niall will go to second base with Simon when they win…

ROCK ME AMADEUS AMADEUS. THEN BRING FORTH WAGNER

Welcome back, I missed you. I’ve been sat at home gazing into the empty husk of ITV waiting for the big shiny flashy lights to come back on. My week has been mostly Alan Titchmarsh-based.

Last Week!

Was so terrible, that Paul McCartney’s hidden contempt was too overpowering, and he finally succumbed to gravity…

This week!

It’s…Rock Week!

Rock music of course, recently introduced to us by Simon Cowell in 2009 when he met a man with an afro, and thought. ‘Hmm, that’s pretty out there.’

So in keeping with the theme of Rock Week, Dermot has worn a slightly tighter waistcoat, and is wearing what appears to be a slightly lighter shade of grey. (Revised Procol Harum titles) Everyone will be singing (U)2 SONGS. I am suddenly thinking back to a simpler time, where only Alan Titchmarsh’s soothing tones were my focus in life. But times move on and Wagner sings Radiohead – as the old saying goes.

Did someone deliver a basket of disregarded pieces of glittery fabric with a note saying ‘Please take care of me’ to Cheryl at some point earlier this year? Because she’s wearing more SHIT GLITTER. (I know there’s an available pun there, but I just can’t.) Oh, Simon stops her from saluting too. Which is brilliant. I wish Simon had been wearing his fangs during that. It’s combined winning actions such as this which hinder the Apocalypse. I look forward to finding out what Cheryl doesn’t know about music this week. The Will.I.Am theme week is still on ice I assume.

WAGNER

My Happy Place.

The worst kept secret ever is the fact that Wagner is doing Creep this week. What is surprising, however is that he is performing first. I had a sneaking suspicion/Desperate hope he would be on last – in a glorified LED display of colours and glory and sex. He would be accepted, finally. And Wagner Karate would go GLOBAL. (Still no news of local lessons in my area).

No such luck. Instead, Wagner stands alone singing Creep. He sings from the heart STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES. That’s Biology, for you. Obviously when the X Factor starts veering towards your favourite bands, people start getting nervous, and angry. But when Wagner does it – it is a compliment. A compliment to music. All is well. Until Louis Walsh declares the lyrics of Creep to be ‘I’m a Creep. I’m a Winner.’  Inspired. Thom Yorke purposely shoots himself, just so he can roll around in his own grave.  Dermot invites Thom to call in and tell us what he thought. HE’S DEAD, DERMOT. DEAD.

ONE DIRECTION

I swear Dermot is saying ‘Wand Erection’ on purpose. For the larks, of course. Well I’m laughing. Or crying. My emotions have all jarred together. Still – it’s good he can still have a laugh despite such copious amounts of grey introduced into his life. That waistcoat is literally sewed on to his chest.

One Direction are now introduced, which sufficiently kill any mild sexual liberation I may have just started to feel over waistcoats. They are singing It Doesn’t Matter but probably Something Awful – by Bryan Adams. Did the XF Producers not learn anything from general opinion, or failing that – Storm Lee? No. I’ve just remembered they sang Summer of ’69. The best days of all of their lives, I’M SURE. They weren’t even born in 2009, let alone 69 – so I think this song choice was a bad call. Damn you Simon. Blaming it on Harry too, you bitch. Harry doesn’t even know who Bryan Mcfadden is, let alone Bryan Adams. Nice ringlets, though. That, my friends – is perspective. I have no idea how they sang the song, by the way. I’ve just found out that Bowling for Soup (me neither) once did a cover of Summer of ’69 though. So, at least things are looking vaguely positive for the boys – if you look at it from that point of view. See? Pers-pect-ive.

NON DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET (MORRISONS DO CHEAPER CHICKEN THOUGH, BOTCHED UP CAREER CHOICE)

Disaster. Mary is running rapidly low on Bassey covers now. It’s a bit like the oil-shortage, but actually important. Considerably. I am ‘not familiar’ with this particular U2 song, but not because I am ignorant of a world before Akon. (I MISS THAT WORLD) but moreso because I know that one day I will die, and it would be unfair to waste this precious time I have on this utter non-song when there is so much Will Young in the world yet to be discovered. As for Mary – she who opens her mouth wide, opens it widest – I don’t know. It wasn’t really anything other than a woman. On telly. Which is fine, I guess. Gosh – I really should stop complaining.

CHER LLOYD

Last night in a not-so dramatic showdown, Cher was in the bottom 2 alongside Paije. It was declared a SHOCK again. This term has been used to describe every single Bottom 2 thus far, for seven years. It was moreso just an ‘Oh’. A far more accurate term. Last week, there was a massive error of judgement made and Cher drabbed her way through in a drab dress and drab stairs. It really said a lot for last week that a set of stairs was the central argument of the show. It wasn’t even a full staircase either, which makes it even more tedious. Can’t help suspect Simon was dead proud of himself, and wrote it down on those ambiguous notepads they all seem to have under the ‘Jokes’ section of the spreadsheet. This week Cher has been given her own clothes back, and completely reversed everything – pretending it never happened. To improve Cher it has somehow been deduced that this is only possible by singing Avril Lavigne. I still haven’t got over when Diana Vickers sang this, and Dannii said it reminded her of Debbie Harry. It wasn’t quite up to Lenny Henry standard, but still made the very essence of my soul whimper softly, like a small dying kitten.

Nonetheless Cher will sing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. Girlfriend of course, being the turning point in Avril’s career where she dyed her hair pink and started wearing skirts which completely botched up my admission that it was okay to wear long sleeved shirts under short sleeved shirts in my teen years. Damn you, Avril. I THOUGHT YOU ACCEPTED ME. Cheryl wisely proclaims the song choice as being more ‘pop-rock’ as if it has never been thought of before. The Pitchfork offices go into meltdown, with a new musical hybrid realised. 2011 is going to be mental.

As for Cher’s actual performance – it was more of the same Lady Sovereign, volumised hair shitstorm that will rain down upon us for months to come. Dannii is the only one that actually says it was shit (Not at all paraphrased). I LOVE YOU DANNII. (Also on ITV2 last week when asked ‘How do you feel’ when she lost Paije – she simply said ‘Like shit’. Which was really, excellent form.) 

REBECCA FERGUSON

Last week, I had nothing to say about Rebecca so I posted a picture of a field. I promise not to be as cruel this week, and will value Rebecca’s song choice and ‘unique’ (Billie Holiday who?) voice with the respect it is due. This week! Rebecca is going to rock out and treat us all to a bit of I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, by U2! Cheryl tells us it’s going to be like nothing we’ve seen before. Ah, I see what she did there. I think. I wait, baited breath – on a wide, glittering ocean of tenterhooks. Hmm. Oceans…

Pretty.

MATT CARDLE

After something presumably happened, we are greeted to our last remaining boy. Last week, Matt sang Vests is Bests and There is a horrible montage of Matt going through the now DEAD boys from his category. God, it makes me so depressed that Katie Waissel is apparently more appealing than Aiden and Nicolo, and Paije’s cardigans. If I had a labotomy, I would be so much more in tune with this programme, I feel. Rebecca’s performance has helped me on the way to achieving that however. So big thanks.

Matt is singing LAZIEST SONG CHOICE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I love Rock and Roll. Because it is Rock Week. And we love that. I think that’s the message that is trying to be conveyed. At least when Ruth Lorenzo sang this a couple of years ago, she accessorized the song with a BIG LEATHER CORSET. Take that VESTS.

Matt sings it, with dancers showing him their vaginas mid-song. That is the power of a vest. I can’t judge it vocally, because of all of the vaginas. But I assume it was fine, it’s hardly a vocally demanding song. Or lyrically demanding. Or musically deman- oh you get it.

At the end of the performance he says ‘hats off’ to the other contestants, which is funny because he used to wear a hat – which means his comment had double-meaning. He’s a complex character.

THE DEFINITELY REAL KATIE WAISSEL

What is UP with this woman? Is she, or is she not – in a 1930’s Sci Fi thriller? Because her continued insistence that she is ‘THE REAL ME’ has got me wondering. Basically, I’m subtly insinuating that Katie has alien pods hidden in the boot of her car. This week, Katie is going to sing Sex On Fire MY HAIR. Oh, and her gran’s a proz. Dontcha love The News? So I’m hoping the same awkward judges conversation about ‘Lyrics of songs’ comes up, as it did for Wagner.

She sings. Alright, I think? Not that it’s relevant at all. She looks SO much like Neil Buchannan.

THIS IS AN ART ATTACK

Yay! Simon actually alludes to the gran-prozzie thing, which is kind of cool. Katie looks uncomfortable. Brilliant. I’m utterly enchanted by the fact that Jamie Afro is trending on twitter after her performance. Did Louis call her a ‘little female afro-less Jamie Afro?’ or something and I missed it? Because I don’t want to have to rewind my Sky Plus and see her STUPID FACE more than three times in one evening. Life SO owes me one.

WAGNER 2

Alright, life – we’re even. Fantastic. This guy again.  Wagner is now singing Addicted to Lobes. Well, aren’t we all. Only your lobes though Wagner. And the rest of you. He has his sexy dancers back, who are all dressed to emulate the Robert Palmer video. Fair dues – he worked hard, now he gets to play hard. At sex. With women. A game in which everybody wins.

And bless him, because it would be incredibly difficult to perform this song without us all inexplicably comparing it to one of the Great X Factor Performances of All Time.

It’s a traditional Wag-performance, he moves elegantly and the same conversation about Wagner’s relevance in the competition is brought up again. Louis Walsh’s argument is basically the same – which he announces with such nobility, akin to Churchill’s speeches. This argument is essentially ‘PEOPLE ARE VOTING FOR HIM SO HE MUST BE GOOD.’  This is the worst argument ever. If the entire human race embodied the same opinions as the majority of X Factor voters, I might be more inclined to ship in more of Katie’s Alien pods, and create a new society.

A purer race?

ONE DIRECTION 2

You are so beautiful, to me. Sings Harry and his friends. Eurgh. Simon Cowell really really hates music, doesn’t he. They sing it in that Unique One Direction Way, of standing there, with hair, and such.
I do like them though. And they will obviously win, because you can throw as much bland music at them as possible and they remain as enigmatic as ever. It’s either an ingenious musicality that has given them this ability, or supple, fresh skin.  So you can deduce by yourselves which category you fall into, there.  You know I already know.

NON DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET 2

Eurgh. No, not again. I do like her, I do concede this. But I’m too young to understand the validity of Mary as a singer. Too old to understand One Direction. There is nothing for me anymore. 21 IS NO LONGER THE AGE OF VIBRANT POSSIBILITY. She is singing The Pretenders, Brass in Pocket. I’m so good at this on Singstar. And so is Mary, as it seems. She is wearing a leather jacket, too. Aah – I’m beginning to ‘get’ her now, due to this. But the whole performance, as Dannii rightly says (Seriously, love you Dannii) that it is too karaoke. I still reckon I’d beat her at Singstar though. Just. She might get more golden notes than me. Although I can also open my mouth very wide, so she’s in for a competition. Much bigger than this silly ITV thing she’s doing. Well now I’m revved up.

REBECCA FERGUSON 2

Right, so Rebecca may or may not have sang a U2 song for her previous perfomance. I assume that this second performance, will be TOTALLY AWESOME in comparison. Well, it already isn’t U2 – so it must be. Unless it’s Olly Murs. I assume Cheryl Cole would think Olly Murs was a rock singer. She’s singing I can’t get no satisfaction! She’s DANCING in her VT. Ooh, this is very interesting. Even Rebecca herself mentions that she’s not exactly been a ray of light in the competion thus far – so finally we will get to see a newer Rebecca. With moving legs. I’m making ‘ooh’ noises in my head at the thought.

The Ooh! rapidly transforms into a dissapointed Oh. She’s doing the Aretha Franklin version of I Can’t Get no Satisfaction, and she’s standing! Okay, okay – standing next to DANCERS – okay, well done. That so doesn’t count. I thought this woman auditioned for P-Diddy’s AllStars or something? Surely a show with such a title would include a vast variety of pulling shapes. For now, the only shape she is pulling is a very straight rectangle. She is very pretty and nice though. That was a good performance too. Her hair looks nice also.I’d quite like to take her for brunch. She’s definitely a brunch person. I seem to be veering.

KATIE WAISSEL 2

For her next performance she is singing Everybody Hurts by REM.

I’m sorry, but I need her to stay away from this. She can do all the faux-Gwen Stefani a gal can muster. But she can’t sing Everybody Hurts, with misty eyes and expect us all to weep in unison with her. No. NO THANKS, I’LL JUST TAKE THE BILL PLEASE.

MATT CARDLE 2

I wonder why Matt didn’t want to be called Matthew Cardle instead. Think of all those other Matthews he could have been grouped with. Matthew Kelly. Matthew Wright from the Wright Stuff. Okay, maybe sticking to Matt was the best idea. He is singing Knights in White Satin. Hurrah, I like this song. He has his magic guitar again, which makes The Population of X Factor hail him as a musical genius. In fact it does get mentioned on ITV2 (By Danny Dyer, no less) how he is unaccountably ‘real’ by having a guitar. Nobody has ever played a guitar? Blimey, I suppose that is pretty good then. I AM ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH AS YOU, MR DYER.
On the performance – I love it actually. In a Post-Aiden dystopia, Matt is the only person in the show who I can now like as an actual singer. I would happily have the X Factor finish on this performance. But instead I have to contend with Cher singing Aerosmith.

CHER LLOYD 2 (ALTHOUGH IT’S THE SAME AS HER OTHER PERFORMANCE, REALLY)

Cher does lots of rapping an’ that. This isn’t even as good as the Sugababes/Girls Aloud version. This is such a rubbish anti-climax. Thank god I have jelly. 

Right, That’s quite enough of that. I am sufficiently ‘rocked out’ or whatever it is people with leather jackets say.

Tomorrow – in some sort of horrific awful turnaround – Justin Beiber and ‘A Boyband’ will be performing. And then Mary and Katie will be in a sing off together, and everyone will cry.  I CANNOT WAIT.

‘ROCK OUT.’
NIGHT NIGHT

A HARD DAY’S NIGHT

Welcome to this!

LAST WEEK

BAD SHIT WENT DOWN

THIS WEEK

Our Top 8 will be taking part in :

BEATLES AND THE FAMOUS JOHN LENNON SONG WEEK

Hard liquor and proverbial pinches of salt all round, then!

First of all, it’s time to look back at the The Eternal Shitfest of Life (Coincidently Susan Boyle’s autobiography is available in all good bookstores now!) that was last week where The Very Bad Thing Happened. Dermot O Leary twirls, so we are given the ability to look back in time. Last week was a shock. No one is safe any more. In conclusion – the final 8 contestants are going to be maimed, killed and possibly cooked. (I think I would take Wagner medium-rare) But don’t mind that now. First! Vague Music!

Look – Paul McCartney’s on the telly and everything. He wishes everyone the best of luck. N’aww, he really means that too. I’m sure everyone will do just fine, Paul. Let’s face the MUSIC. Yes, it is music. How do I know this? THEY JUST SAID IT WAS MUSIC.

DRESS OFF!

Dannii looks delicious in a slender, chocolate dress. Cheryl has worn the wrappers.

MATT CARDLE

Matt (probably) said how much he hates everything and Wagner this week in the press. Oh well, it’s a good thing the X Factor World doesn’t care about what the idle, bitter press think. (This information will become considerably more important, later when the X Factor care about what the idle, bitter press think) Matt has been put on first, due to his presumably fictional betrayal. And he’s singing Come Together, even though 95% of the Beatles’ back catalogue would have suited him more.

I don’t know why, but given the X Factor’s history with the song Come Together – X Factor are intent on it being a ferociously sexy little number. Is it…meant to be a sexy song? Yes, I know. Come Together. Yep, got that. Although I thought it was about the (I definitely did not Google) 1969 Calfornian governor election. Is that sexy? Oh alright.
“COME TOGETHER OVER ME”  Matt snarls in a sexy, “Yeah screw you, Regan!” manner.  He is singing like Christian Bale’s Batman voice , and as has probably never been mentioned up ’til this point – he is wearing a vest. This all makes me very anxious.

However, it is 100% better than Olly Murs’ version of the song last year because Matt Cardle is not Olly Murs. I warrant that as an excellent achievement.  GO ON MATT.

CHER LLOYD

Continuing the ‘None of us are Olly Murs’ celebrations is Cher who is singing Imagine by Cheryl’s idea of the Beatles, apparently. I assume, once again she is ‘not familiar’. Bless her. She’s so lovably ignorant isn’t she? But doesn’t she have a nice smile? You know who else had a nice smile?

HMM? WELL LOTS OF HORRIBLE PEOPLE WITH APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF DENTAL HYGIENE, PROBABLY.

So how does Cher fair on the stairs? (Be sure to check out my Poetry Blog! *Ching!*) Brian has creatively directed her to sit on some stairs for the performance. This is explained away later as them alluding to a Stairway to Heaven. Is that..at all necessary on Beatles Week? Shrug, nope you’re right – absolutely not. Cher sings – fine. It’s fine. It’s absolutely fine that Cher has now covered Tears for Fears, Shakespear’s Sister and John Lennon. That is all fine. Hmm. I’ve lost about 3 centimetres off my teeth. This too – is also fine.

Anyway, she is singing the song Imagine with none of that famous Katie Waissel vigour. Why isn’t she at least doing the Helter Skelter/99 Problems mash-up? Isn’t this what she is here for? And on top of the drabness of the song choice is the added Ultra drab white dress she is wearing. X Factor Logic truly is GCSE Media Studies – this is probably a way of giving off an air of purity in Cher’s performance. Oh, why bother? Just give her some 2Pac samples and send her on her merry, hip-hop way! God speed.
I am not looking forward to her single.

 

ONE DIRECTION

Let us now enjoy One Direction, who are like the opposites of the Elixir of Life. I’m 21, and I feel somewhat withered looking at Harry’s beautiful ringlets. One Direction are apparently singing a more stripped back version of their song choice (Which escapes me), with no gimmicks. Apart from the fact they – in themselves are one massive gimmick. Hmm, spiritual.
They are singing…ARGHHH OH GOD. OH GOD HARRY I LOVE YOU, or at least that’s what the lyrics sound like from the studio. That is cheating, that isn’t Beatles, unless it was during the more transgressive period. One Direction are the winners of X Factor 2010, btw. I do, oddly enough like them. It’s nothing to do with their singing, though. Hey – remember when Liam auditioned as a soloist and got the massive 10 minute Pimp Spot of the Audition stages, and now he shares his musical aspirations with Zain? I LOVE MUSIC.

REBECCA FERGUSON

The ‘Mania’ continues with Rebecca, who is singing Yesterday. She sings it out of tune. Looks nice, though.

 

Here’s a picture of a field.

Mmm. That’s nice.

 

NON-DE SCRIPT SUPERMARKET

“There’s SOMETHING about MARY!” Oh, my. How clever, Louis.
I love Something, it’s my favourite song  by the Beatles (That they have chosen this evening, at least – and I guess that wasn’t hard – seeing as one wasn’t actually a Beatles song, Yesterday’s the most covered song of all time, and Wagner’s singing an amalgam of the entire 60s) I especially like the Shirley Bassey version. I wonder if that will inspire Mary’s peformance somewhat. Oh look, I don’t even feel good about being right because the inevitability of this was too painstakingly obvious. I can’t even generate mild smugness. O Cruel World. This performance means nothing to me. Oh Vienna. In fact, I wish Midge Ure was here. Yes, I’m going to say that.  I like Mary. I like Shirley Bassey. I guess I like Debenhams’ Winter evening dress collection. But I’m just so tired.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

No lame attempt at a ‘Let it be…Paije!’ intro from Dannii. Missed a trick there, I fear. But yeah, Let it Be is Paije’s song choice this evening, to go together with the other six of Paije’s not-so interesting soul songs from the Banks of Lacklustre. Paije sings very well. There is even an old fashioned choir. Hell to the Yeah to the What Am I Doing! This has been a very reminiscent X Factor series hasn’t it? All the classics of the days of X Factor Yore have returned to us. Shayne Ward! A Futile sense of despair!
That isn’t just another  name for Shayne Ward, btw.
So to sum up – I like Paije. He isn’t wearing Yellow though. Shame, that. Romeo dun.

WAGS

Is Hippy Hippy Shake a Beatles song? Oh right yes, it doesn’t matter anymore. Much to my joy and confusion, Wagner continues to exist. I would just like to point out how absolutely delightful Wagner is looking in his younger years from the VT footage preceding his performance. I would very much like to kiss him, and perhaps offer him a favour! Will someone let me know when Wagner gets back to me on that? Cheers.
On to the performance itself, Wagner is STANDING ALONE BY HIMSELF singing Get Back. It aint half bad, you know. And more in tune than Rebecca and Cher. These are the facts. Get Back transcends into Hippy Hippy SHAKE IT WAGS, And then of course into Hey Jewy Jewy Jewy Jewy YOWWWW. Or something. God all mighty this is good. I am terrfied though, because I’m no longer sure if I’m being insincere. Or if I ever was. I’m very upset, actually. But empowered. I don’t know how to feel.

But Cheryl sure as hell does – and in the comments launches into a bit of an attack on ol’ Wags for being mean to her because she used to live in a Council Estate? X Factor World doesn’t read the papers though, does it? Don’t listen to the horrid, awful press! WHO EVEN IS GAMU ANYWAY? Oh, but no. Apparently – on this occasion, it is okay to make an exception. Wagner launches into a glorifying speech about how Cheryl is beautiful or something. Somehow, Cheryl is not moved by this quite touching and beautiful and elegant speech however, and the LOOK OF FROST almost certifies that Wagner will be in the Bottom 2 tomorrow doesn’t it? [Me from the future: “Heh.”]

KATIE HAS NEW HAIR

Katie Waissel performing ‘Help’

This much is true. I almost forgot who she was for a moment! Have been reminded she is
Frodo
Louis Walsh
Neil Buchannan from Art Attack
The Head from Art Attack
One of Neil Buchannan’s drawings from Art Attack

Nice singing, though. And hey! Just another shoutout to the lovely hair, which almost made me forget she had been in the bottom 2 four times, with 2 pimp spots, being put through despite forgetting lines, getting away with wearing rubbish false eyelashes twice, and using Cheryl Cole’s ‘kooky’ quota for the next six years. But, you know. Well done, and everything.

THE SHOW IS OVER.
THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT SPLENDID.
I MISS AIDEN, HE WAS MORE SPLENDID THAN SUCRALOSE-BASED ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER SPLENDA

 

Absolutely no relevance to this post, but look at his little face.

TOMORROW HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
Paije went away, forever.   Dermot announced his name with a shocked tone, even though it was not at all surprising, they have been trying to shift him for weeks. Cher went near Shakespear’s Sister AGAIN despite the restraining order, and all 16 finalists returned for a jaunty David Bowie singalong, which was in honour of ‘The Soldiers’ (I’m not being disrespectful). I’m all for making money for a good cause, but surely there are better ways to raise such funds than dressing all in white and turning to face a choir – singing a severely altered version of a David Bowie song? Couldn’t they just get Fiona Bruce to get her thighs out again or something? Also – excluded from the performance was Nicolo, Wagner, FYD  (WHO I HAD BEEN ON TENTERHOOKS TO SEE FOR SEVEN LONG BRUTAL WEEKS). This really doesn’t help confirm the rumours that they all die of Louis Walsh-related deaths, though.

THANKS FOR READING. (More likely, it was skimming, which I would probably encourage)

 

ALL YOU NEED IS ‘the above’ – SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR LESS AWFUL THINGS HOPEFULLY

WEEK 6: SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALRIGHT FOR SHUNNING REGULAR SOCIAL ACTIVITY

Elton John hates the X Factor. So welcome to Elton John week on the X Factor! YOUR ELTON JOHN WEEKEND STARTS RIGHT HERE. For me personally, every day is Elton John weekend. I don’t get much done.

And talking of odd bespectacled gentlemen who are not Simon Cowell,  they also went to the Harry Potter premiere this week. Which means we are being presented with a somewhat beautiful hybrid of X Factor, Harry Potter, Elton John, and Over-abundance of Silver Garments now. I feel… right.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Last week Paije arrived! After FIVE WEEKS IN THE LIVE SHOWS. You unruly little shit, Paije. I reserve further foul language against you, based on your choice of jacket and/or bow tie/use of yellow in your outfit. Anyway – just to show how punctual he can be, he has gallantly opted for performing first this evening!

Quick VT before his X Factor position begins to slowly crumble away under a haze of blasé song choices, and John Adeleye backlash. (Probably still reeling.) Paije goes to the Harry Potter premiere! Paije was in Harry Potter apparently! Daniel Radcliffe pretends to recognise him. So does Ron. Paije sings Crocodile Rock in Rikki Loney’s old prom outfit, and as you can imagine – it’s very ‘fun’.  And we all love a bit of fun. Depending on your definition of fun of course, mine is moreso eating custard out of a can than watching Paije Richardson be a bit sassy for a couple of minutes. The judges think he’s rubbish! The crowd detect a negative word in their midst and start hurling faeces at the judges.  Lenny Henry’s sudden revitalised career however disappears slowly and sadly into the distance. Premiere Inn Managers across the globe breath a sigh of relief. Simon says he has a 0% chance of winning, but I wouldn’t take that as bad criticism, just how he feels about the entire stretch of this year’s acts that aren’t One Direction. Who are on last, by the way – just in case they hadn’t WON ENOUGH already.

AIDEN GRIMFO’SHAW

PRE-AIDEN

Quick insight into my brain: Aiden is my favourite X Factor contestant, so find it difficult when I hear him sing mildly off key. Due to this – I spent the entire of Aiden’s performance in a knot on the sofa wailing the first time round and have no recollection of the performance. I’m just being supportive. How can his handsome face project such a vast selection of noises THAT ARE NOT MUSIC. So for the love of accuracy, this is written before a second viewing.

POST-AIDEN

THE WORLD SEEMS DIFFERENT.

I’VE STARTED SEEING DOUBLE, AND I SAW A MIRAJE OF SLASH. And Dannii is doing crocodile arms. Continuously. Okay, it wasn’t as bad as when I watched it the first time round, he just jerks and twists so much that he confuses me, and I have to sink into a foetal position to restore my inner calm. The judges, like myself are confused. Cheryl likes it oddly enough – Dannii is still playing shadow puppets – Simon says it was alright, and he’ll be here next week, then announcing it is Louis ‘wrong’ time of the month. Simon Cowell doesn’t know what a period is. I guess he does work with pre-pubescents quite a lot of the time. Zing? No.

Re: the comment, I sincerely disagree. Elton John weekend is NEVER the wrong time of the month.

BAFTA WINNING IMELDA STAUNTON’S FAVOURITE SINGER

Mary had a rough time last week, singing shit mostly. She blamed it on being a bit sad. When Joni Mitchell was ‘a bit sad’ she just produced a worldwide critically loved album instead. Although I suppose Joni Mitchell wasn’t being forced to sing Faith Hill and the Lion King soundtrack. Not that I know of anyway.
She sings the song filtered through the rusty ol’ Shirley Bassey Generator, with the POWER OF HER DAUGHTER IN THE AUDIENCE spurring her performance on. It’s obviously better than last week, but most world events were better than last week. Mary gets good comments and Simon Cowell says its because she has a ‘heart’. Props to Mary then I guess. The only living human being with a heart.
*Stares down at bleeding, gaping hole in her chest sadly*.

KATIE WAISSEL

DON’T YOU JUST ADORE HER?

Reportedly meant to be singing The Bitch is Back – but isn’t now. Mild anarchy in the UK.

Instead she’s singing Saturday Saturday Yeah One More Time which is a good song. She sings the song in her own unique and quir… style, which apparently is not quite singing, just yelling loudly with vigour. She does have vigour, nobody can take away her vigour. Does anybody even want Katie Waissel’s vigour? Louis gets upset because it was a rubbish song choice, audience collectively throw bits of lung at him, (As if we weren’t losing enough vital organs already this evening!) The word ‘fighter’ is the verbally transmitted disease of the evening, just in case we didn’t get that from the song choice and the fact that her mentor has a criminal record. Alright, Katie – you like to fight! Recieved and understood. Wouldn’t you just prefer a nice sit-down instead? Actually, just stand. Just stand.

MATT CARDLE

Dannii introduces the last of the boys: “He’s been nicknamed Matt I’M SHAGGING THE STYLIST’
Mattgoestotheharrypotterpremiere…
Wait, is that Helena Bonham Carter? Gosh, that’s quite a good celebrity endorsement. A bit better than when Queen announced that ‘they liked the girl’ on last year’s X Factor. Matt is singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which I deduce as a song about getting in touch with ones’ roots once again. I don’t think anyone can get back to their roots after Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy say how much they like you, can they. Does this make Matt a deatheater now? I’m going to answer my own question and say Absolutely Definitely Yes. Logic which is born not from Matt’s love of murdering fictional wizards, but moreso due to his insistence to be annoyingly good forever more. Come along Matt, that’s not the Waissel way.

CHER LLOYD

Roll VT!  Nice hat. “I have my eyes on the prize. What’s the point of being in it if you don’t want to win it” she proclaims. Because SHE LIKES A GOOD RAP.

Cher is singing Sorry Seems to be the Hardest MOCKINGBIRD. Apparently. Which Cheryl mentions in the VT is very clever. Possibly more clever than when she sang the James Corden version of Shout, yes – but on a wider scope, no. Not that clever really. She is singing it very well, even if Sorry is the hardest word for her, and she goes for ‘sowwy’ instead – which is a bit annoying. Are R’s not hip-hop? Did R-Kelly not get the memo? Sorry. SORRY.
Her make-up looks quite nice. Everyone thought she was good an’ that. She was, I guess. Woo. And such. But I think I would swap all of that just to see Wagner meet Daniel Radcliffe really.

WAGNER MEETS DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh yes he does. I sometimes wish I was Wagner myself, so I too could discuss in lengthy detail about why I decided to hold a lion’s tail. But alas, DNA has fucked me up again on that one. Wagner sings I’m Still Standing coupled with Circle of Life. Nice to see he still has the backing dancer bride from last week though isn’t it, folks? Such LOYALTY. The same sort of loyalty that Louis dedicates to Class A drugs, clearly.

Before Wagner’s performance, for some reason Dermot has a quick chat with Louis. Some sort of malfunction backstage, I assume. Either Wagner’s Ménagé et dix-neuf with the backing dancers hasn’t reached it’s conclusion yet or Diana Vickers has laryngitis again.

Wagner sings, in a Wagner kind of way. Which is the only way it can ever be described. However – there is a moment. There is a moment mid-way through Circle of Life where Wagner shakes his head. WAS THAT DISDAIN? Wagner does not feel disdain ever. If I had a heart, it would be sinking for him right now. Mary must be in a bath of her own tears backstage. Louis Walsh calls Wagner a ‘Young Elton John’. Alright then. 

WANDS AT THE READY

“I’d like to apologise to Elton John.” says Simon, before introducing One Direction. That must have felt like heaven to the Conway Sisters. The boys all talk to Daniel Radcliffe too. I love this. Can Daniel Radcliffe turn up every week please? This probably shits all over that NME interview he did a couple of years ago where he did a photoshoot with guitars to show the world that Harry Potter likes music with guitars in it. Daniel Radcliffe bumbles around saying not quite words, (Copyright Aiden Grimshaw’s Laws of Singing) and One Direction simply respond by asking him how ‘fit’ is Hermione. Not wishing to stamp on the boys’ dreams that ‘Harry Potter isn’t real’, Daniel informs them that she is very fit but is like a sister to him. I LOVE INCESTUOUS DANIEL RADCLIFFE EVEN MORE THAN REGULAR DANIEL RADCLIFFE. The boys sing the same as always. Simon hails them as the next 5 Comings of Christ, the audience all simultaneously get throat ulcers. Adorable.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Finishing last this evening is Rebecca, and she is singing Candle in the Wind. That is pretty much all I can say about her performance. Nice earrings? She refuses to be rubbish, like that shagging Matt Cardle, so I have nothing to say. Me and Wagner are collectively being disdainful. I think I may have accidently got encased in Rebecca’s alegorical shell that she refuses to come out of week after week. Her microphone does sound a bit like, dodgy though, did they give her Zayn’s by mistake? Standing ovation from Cheryl and Dannii after she sings Candle in the Wind. This seems like the least deserving Standing Ovation ever. I HAVE NEVER FELT MILDER.

That is it! It’s actually just finished on that. Does anyone remember what happened to the gospel choirs they used to wheel out every week when times got a little too lacklustre? I kind of miss them.

Tomorrow night is a SINGLE elimination apparently, according to Derm. Even though the whole of Europe and The Sun were adament it was a double. I assume this is because WESTLIFE/JLS/TAKETHAT SUPER-HYBRID will be in full swing, and I barely survived 4 seconds of Lucius Malfoy, so fuck knows how I’ll get through tomorrow.

UP FOR THE CHOP?

I assume it will basically be anyone who is not in the running for the inevitable Matt/Rebecca/One-Direction Bedridden X Factor Final 2010. It may be Mary, I feel.

Meanwhile on the Xtra Factor, Konnie has just told Mary there is someone she would like her to meet.
Her daughter, apparently. Great. Other groundbreaking interview skill moments include asking Aiden if his quiff is very big. He says yes. Good.

GOODNIGHT.

WEEK 5

Five weeks in, folks! What a bunch of survivors we are. Like that Katie Waissel. We are all like Katie.
Oh dear, don’t get upset.

Sing it with me now.
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Oh, you know the one. It’s the X Factor. Week 5, and apparently it’s America Week or something. What week isn’t America Week for Simon Cowell?

Usual big X Factor intro…directed by James Cameron as per usual. I wonder how long you can talk to Peter Dickson without making him do a funny voice? I sometimes think about his life with a soft surge of melancholy. What are his sex noises like? Etc. One thing is for sure – he is the only man in the universe who still says the words ‘Rachel Adedeje.’ Rikki Loney on the other hand – pretty big news.

CHER “-L” LLOYD

Queue recap of Cher in oversized charity shop gown singing Stay, people saying nice things, interspersed clips of Titanic. What could possibly go wrong? She is in the death spot after all. Even unconquerable mavericks of music FYD couldn’t take that on, which I’m sure we all are still reeling from.

Although what Cher has that FYD didn’t have (Aside from many quite obvious things) was Ye Olde X Factor Transformation of last week.

Even still! Perhaps she could fuck it all up and do a Storm? Pah. As if she would EVER do a Storm. Noone would ever do a Storm. No matter what Katie Waissel has said in the past. Cher is singing that song Alicia Keys did that I quite like. She also quite likes it too. She sings it pretty mildly, and raps and does the bits…and it’s all just  – there. Maybe it is the lacking of her ‘mirror-mirror and her sword and da shield’ which is hindering the greatness of this performance. Maybe. Or more likely – perhaps it’s the fact that she’s on a fucking bike. Which as we all know is something that doesn’t work out well for anybody.

(Note: It took me a bloody long time to find any evidence of Storm actually existing on the internet. Google Image of Storm: X Factor brings up lots of pictures of bowling balls, and one of Katie. Glad things are working out for the fella/buddy/Dermot-buzzword of the week)

Apologies that my Cher evaluation was 80% bike-based, but that should give you some insight into how terrifically underwhelming she was. Hurray!

NON-DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET

Oh dear, they want shot of Mazza (What? I’m trying to make her more contemporary!) don’t they? Two early slots, in as many consecutive weeks. Bitches down at X Factor HQ mistreating the oldies. Not Wagner of course. Wagner is a fountain of eternal youth. Mary on the other hand will be sipping cocktails with Arlene Phillips by the end of the week. And they’re giving her Faith Hill. Why Why Why. Why not Smack my bitch up instead? You could argue it’s not an American Anthem, but I sincerely beg to differ. So already it’s going terribly for Mary, and she hasn’t begun singing yet. Maybe she will also appear on a bike. Maybe she will appear on a Penny  Farthing just to ram the point home that THIS WOMAN IS OLDER THAN SOME. Go on Mary! Show ’em, how it’s done. I omitted the TH of THEM to make you more contemporary!
Here she goes!
Oh dear, this isn’t very good at all. She can’t even be arsed putting it through the Power Ballad Bassey Generator. It’s very limp indeed. It’s a Wand Dysfunction, in fact. Even Mary knows it was a bit shit. Judges agree.  Word?

KATIE WAISSEL

DISCLAIMER: I don’t hate Katie as much as other humans, really. She really does have very nice trousers.

Quick recap of the fact Katie was in the Bottom 2 last week, for people with no memories – thanks a lot James Cameron. She sang it with quite a large amount of desperation, and a very fetching pair of trousers. And as we can all learn by the rules of X Factor – this means she was safe. Plus, Belle Amie were crap, and they wore shoes and everything. Rookie mistake. Anyway, Katie. Roll VT. Dear Christ, she goes absolutely mental and says how much she ‘hates this’ whilst hugging Rebecca. Bit rude. Cheryl says the word quirky 986 times. So what will Katie sing to win people back this week? Something contemporary, I’d reckon. Manilow? Sadly not. This week Katie is singing No Doubt’s AMERICAN ANTHEM (apparently) ‘Don’t Speak’. Except for the fact that she definitely isn’t singing Don’t Speak. She’s singing the lyrics to it, yes. But for some reason the violinists (Yes, violinists) are playing a completely different song. Is this contemporary? That word is burnt into my soul forever. She is singing it very very mildly. She does all the Official RockStar Poses, such as Slanty Microphone and Bon Jovi Squat, which are very good, but she doesn’t actually belt out the song whilst doing these, which makes no sense. Other things: Katie looks very attractive, she is wearing leather. Apparently she was meant to be singing in a Jean Harlow style outfit according to the stylist, but decided to go against that. Oh well, I’m sure that will be fine.
Rookie Mistake #2: Don’t ever assume not dressing like Jean Harlow will be fine. Mid-way through the ‘song’ – the screens are adorned with black and white footage of Katie crying with mascara down her face. You know, in a sort of Hollywood 50s melodrama kind of way (Lots of love, Media Studies A Level. XX) It is not good. Even if she was dressed accordingly, it would still look naff, especially in a world that has seen the ‘Leave Britney Alone’ Chris Crocker video.
Simon says – ‘it went a bit off during the middle.’ Mmm. And at the start, and at the end – yeah Si? Nope, still desperately trying to cling on to her for the tour. If she gets bounce-back votes and knocks out Aiden, I’ll stamp my foot a bit. Katie reckons ‘that was her’ and she was good and stuff. And Cheryl says she’s all strong. That was so the opposite of strong.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

Next up is Aiden. I fancy Aiden. Not that I will let that in anyway hinder this critique of his performance. In fact, I’ll get it out of my system right now. HE IS REALLY NICE THOUGH, ISN’T HE LADIES? AIDEN GRIMPHWOOAR MORE LIKE. AM I RIGHT? SEXY HUMAN. I LIKE IT WHEN AIDEN GRIMSHAW IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That’ll do.

Christ. VT! Simon says he didn’t like Thriller last week. Juxtaposing shot of Aiden making it through, spliced on top of that – just to show you that miracles CAN happen! Hmm. Aiden misses his family, Coldplay music etc. All the judges are speaking in the VT’s in front of a very shiny wall. I assume they are filming this in Wagner’s kitchen.

Aiden is singing Nothing Compares to U. Hold the phone! “That isn’t an American Anthem, that’s Sinead O Conner isn’t it?” announce All The Idiots In The World, It was Prince. And he’s doing the Prince arrangement too. Written by Prince, I believe. This is apparently a last minute song change for Aiden, thank god the effects department had some SCARY FIRE left over from Halloween Week. He’s singing a very basic version, aside from what could have been Danyl Johnsson’s Favourite Arpeggios of The Week. I’m glad of it, I think it works nicely. Aiden is the only artist from X Factor I can enjoy on a music-point of view, as well as a pervy point of view. Hurray. His vocals hark back to his first audition of Gold-Digger, which was casual, but still pretty hip and cool.  Yes, I am definitely not a teenager anymore. Never mind. I liked it, and the judges liked it. Simon does a ‘taking everything into account’ speech, which must mean he quite enjoyed it. I’m very happy they all liked the very handsome man.

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Not at All Obvious Reference!

I’m sure you have read about it in all the papers by now, but just to let you know – Paije has Arrived. (Drink!)

And why is this? Is it because he is wearing yellow? My all time favourite of the primary colours? No. It’s because X Factor have awarded him his first mash-up. And it’s Hey Ya. And it’s The Monkees. Okay, it’s no O Fortuna/Bat Out of Hell – but then again, what is? Precious little. I’m very happy that they have stopped John Adeleying him this week, and this is fun for all the family. I am enjoying the yellow, I truly am.
However, (Dead Lock Lights)  I still assume he will be in danger, based on the fact he has ‘arrived’ in Week 5. That’s what they call truancy, my dear fellow. And on X Factor, we like hard-workers – like Miss Waissel over there. She wears interesting trousers every single week. What do you do for the X Factor, Richardson? Detention. (This is why people shouldn’t be allowed computers at 4am, by the way.)

Oh, and let’s not forget the defining moment of Paije’s performance. Where Louis Walsh calls him Lenny Henry. The jokes pretty much writes themselves, every time I remember that happened, so I’ll just leave that information there – where it can simmer away gently in your train of rational thoughts for the rest of the evening. Louis, you’re such a babe.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Fergie – (Can I? No? Fine.) Rebecca sings Bob Dylan, written by Adele(?) apparently. Cheers for that one, Twitter. It’s good. Obviously. She is refusing to mess up and insists on going through the X Factor Journey. Week 5 of said journey sees Rebecca’s slight increase in vocal ability. She can do high notes and everything. Take that, Pavarotti! Hmm. Too highbrow? Okay. Take that Bryan Mcfadden!
Anyway she’s a very beautiful, endearing, clever classy lady. Which makes for an excellent human being – not so much for ‘funny blogging’. So erm. MARY WAS PRETTY RUBBISH WASN’T SHE? Guffaw.

WAGNER

Wagner, mate. Welcome back. Lock up your daughters. Sod it – lock up everyone. No human being alive is safe for the next seven minutes. Not in a dangerous way, you understand. It’s just – it’ll be far too sexy for you if you leave home now.
ROLL VT!
Wagner actually meets up with Louis! This is apparently the theme of the VT’s this week by the way, the fact that Yes, sir, we actually do spend time with our mentors. In front of cameras, for under a minute – yes certainly. Besides – I know Louis Walsh isn’t the wisest of musical benefactors – but I am adamant that Wagner goes on stage with absolutely no preparation from Brian and just makes it up. He wasn’t even meant to sing Love Shack in Week 1, you know. He provides his own bongos. He is ALL MAN. Actually he’s probably part Jaguar or something. This week Wagner is singing Elvis. He is wearing an Elvis suit too, just in case the nation’s testicles hadn’t descended enough. I must admit I am a little bit sad, because it looks like Wags is actually really trying to sing. He is a very serious recording artist, after all. It must be a shame for him, being this visibly attractive. Perhaps it does take away from his singing. Maybe we should all just drop our lives and listen to this poor man sing for once. Okay lets. Oh no wait, he’s getting married to one of the backing dancers right now. Maybe later. This is a testement to a man (Part Ocelot) and his dedication to the X Factor – partaking in Absolutely definitely real Wedlock. Paije couldn’t even be bothered to arrive until this week. Even if Wagner gets voted out, can they not just keep him in there? Just in the background perhaps, gently murmuring his lurb songs…Can we get him a glockenspiel?

MATT CARDLE

Oh great, way’d it bring the mood down Matt.
This week Matt is singing The First Time I ever Saw Your Face I sang In a High Register and Burst into Tears, And PS: Don’t You Just Love Corduroy? – the first standing ovation of the series. Unless you count my standing ovations, which started the second I saw Wagner, and I haven’t sat down since. Metaphorical female erection jokes aside (Because no blog should be without them), Matt obviously does well enough to warrant such ovation. He can sing well, oh and bless – he’s upset, because something sad happened to him once. Dannii respects his privacy, and doesn’t mention what. Konnie Huq respects nothing, and beats the info out of him on the Xtra Factor later on. So there we are. Everybody likes Matt. Hurray for Matt. He’s going to win and everything. I don’t get him myself. But then again, I don’t get many things. Such as Maths for example. I don’t get that. Or Mash. Supremely overrated in my opinion. I realise now that I mentioned two things that both sound a bit like Matt just then. How incredibly interesting.

TreyC

Hello TreyC! Bravo on making it through last week. I assume you have sufficiently Bounced Back and now have something completely revolutionary hidden under your allegorical (preferably shiny) belt! Treyc is taking a slight different X Factor Journey path to Rebecca. Hers involves the ‘previously rejected’ route, and the ‘I just haven’t found my image yet’ route. Rebecca’s is vaguely more straight forward, TreyC’s has too many roadworks on hers – and for some reason, this is punishable by death.

On X Factor, Death is being given ‘I don’t wanna miss a thing’ by Aerosmith as your song choice. She looks very nice, she’s in a big flowing gown and I assume this is meant to be a massive change, because she’s usually wrapped in the foil that’s left over from the Mass-Red-Hairdying-Fiasco of Week 3. She performs the song by the classic Danyl Johnsson’s Favourite Arpeggios rule. Oh, and Danyl did this last year, alongside EVERY OTHER BLOODY SONG TreyC has sang on the Live Shows. Rookie Mistake #3. I think another gaping error in this performance is the fact that she’s walking down a large aisle, in a white dress – and Wagner isn’t fucking there. What the hell – Brian, seriously. I know she was never going to win, but give the girl a fighting chance. Or not. Meh. I’ve already forgotten what I was talking about. Has John been on yet?

ONE DIRECTION

We are finishing up with 5 young boys!  Louis must be delighted! Just thought I’d wheel the classic Louis is a Paedophile gag out before they got to it. Which for some reason is totally fine, and always has been.
Simon announces the final act.
“You know the phrase ‘Leave the best ’til last?”
“Yesss?”
“Here is One Direction!”
“Yesss..?

Nope, that was it. Here they are. Singing Kids in America – aka Simon’s vision of their future. They sing it in exactly the same way that they always sing. Hurriedly, out of time, and still stunned that they are alive, let alone on television. I suppose that’s unfair, I would be pretty stunned I was alive too if I’d only just come out of the womb five minutes previous.
The defining moment of One Direction’s performance of Kids in America are of course Simon Cowell’s glasses in the VT. Put those images aside later, alongside the fangs – and you are guaranteed some excellent Sunday Morning alone time. You’re welcome.

And we are done! Dermot regretfully informs us. Oh dear. Does this mean my X Factor Weekend ends right here? Oh well, there’s always the Xtra Factor. I wonder what unfortunate Skype caller will be sacrificed live on air this week. Alternately – Susan Boyle’s neck and chin are also available on ITV1 right after the break.

Daddy or Chips?

WEEK 4

EVENING! It’s Halloween! And I for one, am terrified. Terrified to the core – of  having to watch the X Factor post-John Adeleye. But if we MUST move on…

Sorry to all 4 of my readers who are wondering why I’m late with the sexiest X  Factor blog in town this week. I was getting drunk in a dalek costume. You know  how it is. Steve Brookstein’s blog is always readily available, when in doubt. And what a night to be heavily drinking! The same night in which Katie sang that song Bewitched (No, not the good one) with sperm eyes- the night in which Wagner discovered latin – the night in which Simon Cowell gave us all massive wand erections with ‘those’ fangs. ‘Those’ fangs are available with all local retailers, and not to be confused with the ‘That’ dress range designed by Liz Hurley. Here we go. I missed the start, but I’m led to believe this was the official time that my weekend started. Without Dermot’s confirmation of this though, I must say I felt uneasy.

NON-DESCRIPT SUPERMARKET

Non-Descript Supermarket is singing Could it be Magic. (Manilow/McElderry). We all think that Mary looks pretty attractive. She’s wearing devil horns that I’m sure are available from all local supermarkets, fashion fans! No supermarket in particular springs to mine though. She sings the song in a sassy manner, and also in a Bassey manner. I guess the whole making her current thing was hastily swept under Louis’ carpet. Oh and for the record, I tried to google ‘Irish carpets’ to get a bit of a joke going there but there are NO JOKES ABOUT IRISH CARPETS. Which is bullshit.
Could it be Magic of course is another one of the X Factor regulars that apparently is contractually obliged to be sang every single series. As sang previously by X Factor Legends Leona Lewis, Joe McElderry and…Eoghan Quigg. Hmm. It’s a good, solid performance. Especially being in the Death Spot. She’s obviously going to be fine. I know this, and you know this because I have already watched the results. Spooky. Halloween truely is alive, etc.

AIDEN GRIMSHAW

It’s Aiden! Phwoar! Lock up your daughters! (No really, lock them up – I’ve heard he’s found out how to pick locks…) He’s wearing eyeliner. No, not ‘guyliner’. That’s the entire back catalogue of the Barry M range on his face there. I find it incredibly attractive, because I’m a moron apparently. Never mind. He’s singing Thriller. Really? Thriller? Isn’t that a bit – mobile for Aiden? Yes, possessed face he does indeed have. We have established this. But I wasn’t actually aware he had arms or legs. Oh no, he’s doing an acoustic version. Is it good? Well. Eh. I don’t know really. The whole ‘thing’ that I like about songs is the melodies that they have. They sound nice. However with this version of Thriller – in an attempt to make Aiden more contemporary, they have decided to remove that aspect of the song from it – and the whole thing is staged like a party winding down at 5am, with the last survivors still giving Singstar a go – not realising the fuse has gone on the telly. But he DOES look hot, so he’s through. A hot, sexy maniac who murders people. I’m no psychic, but by the power of time passing – I have the exclusive knowledge to tell you that yes, he did indeed get through.

BELLE AMIE

Halloween is making everyone look much much hotter than usual, it would seem. I am enjoying Belle Amie’s profound hotness, sat on a sofa adorned in a massive Dalek outfit, drinking Cava from a mug. Just doing my bit.
They sing the terrifying song Venus, because it has the word fire in it perhaps. Fire is scary. Why do people who are not women, think women like the song Venus? I – on my way out this evening did not apply my make up to this, followed by a Sister Sledge marathon in my pants. (Not tonight, anyway.) But no, really. Neither do any of my other female companions. On the Xtra Factor, they all have intense talks for the 56th time on why girl bands (Including girl band Girlband)  don’t do well on X Factor. Simon says it’s because girls don’t like girls. DISCLAIMER: I am a woman and I think girls are top notch. I just don’t like bands who sing theme tunes to razor and tampon adverts. If Wagner did Bodyform however, that’d be absolutely fine. To swiftly slide to conclusion about Belle Amie –  they were rubbish. The vagina has spoken.

REBECCA FERGUSON

The X Factor producers are such loves. They edit together pieces of the Judges Houses with Exorcist Music, and then on Halloween Night, they give Rebecca an 80s ballad about unrequited love. Yes, they’re a bit shit. But they could still drink you under the table. Bless them though, they have attemped to spook-it up a bit, with some piano and smoke machines. You know, because they never do that. Rebecca sings it really well. She has nice earrings in. She’s ‘starting to believe in herself’ too, which is nice? No update on whether she has ‘come out of her shell’ though, which I put down to bad interviewing from Dermot there. Meanwhile, P-Diddy tuts quietly, and then drinks some more gold.

MILKTRAY(C)

Ahh, Trake. Now, I now she has had a bit of a hard time of it recently but let’s not forget she is also the bitch who is the sole reason why John Adeleye is no longer an X Factor contestant. Thankfully though, she is doing a homage to John – by singing in his signature style! Mildly, and with no originality. Huzzah! Also she’s totally drowned out by all the rest of the singers in the world ever. Is she meant to be Little Red Riding hood btw? Or that weird dwarf from Don’t Look Now? Either way – it’s a scary piece of attire, so good for her for fitting in with the theme. Speaking of fitting in with the theme – let’s hear it for ultimate Halloween dancehall filler Relight my Fire! Which is legit, of course. Fire is quite scary – as we already discussed. Belle Amie must be shitting it. Concerns on whether X Factor has reached it’s OH MY GOD TAKE THAT ARE SO GOOD quota this season is hastily swept under Louis’ comedy carpet.

MATT CARDLE

HAHAHAAHAHAHA HAT. Don’t X Factor know that people did wear those before Matt Cardle? Do the words Rikki Loney mean absolutely nothing to you? Well, I took a shot. My brain has started filtering out the many many pointless hat-jokes about Matt, now – which means the entire of Matt’s VTs wash over me like a pleasant dream. Only this week, I NEVER WAKE UP. I am reliably informed by ‘the internet’ and ‘facts’ that he sings Bleeding Love by Men Who Wrote It for Leona Lewis. Blood of course, being quite scary. And Leona Lewis of course, being X Factor’s Jesus-figure who nobody will EVER SING AS GOOD AS. Which means that whenever a black female singer goes on the show they are basically compared and contrasted accordingly. Over the past 2 years however, this rule also transcended to apply for all human beings in the world ever. Last year some little boy sang it, and this year Matt Cardle will take the bait. WILL HE SUCCEED? WILL BONO-ING THE PRODUCTION UP HELP? All answers to those questions and more can be found in the No Shit Sherlock book series Volume 4. Simon practically HATES it, and has that ‘I’m going to sue Waterstones’ kind of look on his face.

WAGNER

Serious Recording Artist Wagner is up next. Have sneaking suspicion this may be hymen-breakingly good fun. HE IS SINGING THE JUDGES THEME TUNE, and also Bat out of Hell. Obviously. His eye is literally bleeding glitter. But then again, so are the entire nations after this. I was a little concerned that in Post-Jedward 2010 the novelty may wear off for Wagner existing. But no. Because he isn’t a novelty, any more. Him murmuring ‘gone gone gone’ out of tune is nothing short of biblical. In my life memoirs, on the 31st October 2010 there is a large blank 40 page gap – where I ceased to exist because I just didn’t know how to physically respond to his performance. Also – on an unrelated note, still no word on whether Wagner Karate is available in my local area. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT IN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Paije Richardson

Paije performs Back to Black, it’s alright. But don’t let me ramble on about all the significant attributes of Paije Richardson too much, because what I really want to talk to you about is the possibility of a beautiful parallel universe – an X Factor series with Rhydian,  Diva Fever, Jedward, Wagner, The Mcdonald Brothers, Same Difference, The one who’s wife died, Chico, and DJ Talent as the competing contestants, hosted by Kate Thornon, now an alcoholic, and every song is just different variations of the X Factor theme song, and the audience are gagged and bound in Aiden-style straight jackets. And Nicolo as the sole judge, and he feels especially crap. This would soothe me. Can someone email that into Xtra Factor next week? I imagine there will be time to read that out, in amongst all the minutes that have been lost due to Konnie Huq-induced awkward silences.

KATIE WAISSEL

Ah Katie. Her of Incredibly Decent Legs. Katie has dressed up as PJ from Byker Grove after he had that unfortunate paintball accident. She sings Bewitched, but bothered and bewildered she is not. She’s just singing the Bewitched theme tune, as she can’t be trusted near actual music, because people don’t appear to take to that idea well. This is assumingly the same reason Olly Murs was given the exact same song from last year. This is part of the masterplan to get people to like her apparently. I don’t think any vague association with Olly Murs is the best way to do that, but hey-ho. She sings it exactly in the same way as she sang that Jungle Book one from last week, all flirty and ‘COME ON BOYS’ and such. I love how hard they try with her. Once she makes the top 8 and gets on the tour, I fear they might start passing out the Manilow after that. YOUR INCREDIBLY DECENT LEGS WILL NOT SAVE YOU THIS WEEK, KATIE.  THEY ARE NICE THOUGH. MMM.

ONE DIRECTION

Clearly still shaken up from John Adeleye butchering their one and only Musical Hero Kelly Clarkson that week, the boys all look a little red eyed. Simon Cowell discovering Twilight about 3 years too late is the worst thing that has ever happened. This is fine, because he counters that almost immediately with the best thing that has ever happened, by introducing One Direction with a glorious set of fangs. Jesus christ. I can’t keep doing this, I just can’t.

But if there is any way to cease such a stone-cold rock hard erection such as one induced by Simon Cowell having Co-op Fangs, it is One Direction singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Which is scary, just because. It is odd, because whenever One Direction sing they just sound like 40,000 teenage girls singing. Me and my friend have now learnt four of the five boys names.  Which in the world of X Factor is quite respectable, in the real world however, leave us susceptible to mocking, complete disappointment, and/or murder.

CHER “#GAMU” LLOYD

Oh god, I’m so tired. After all the rampant sex of the past 2 hours I can’t be bothered with Cher Lloyd singing Shakespear’s Sister. I’m just a person after all. So how did it all work out? The whole – not wearing baggy trousers thing? Well, obviously it was fine. You can quote me on that if you like. I feel Cher is now the new favourite, seeing as The Daily Mail have laid eggs in Katie’s stomach and not even Simon Cowell’s superlatives can rescue her. So to celebrate Cher’s new promotion, they have put her in a dress with smoke machines singing a ballad. She has been X Factorred basically. It’s not so much a performance, moreso an initiation ceremony. At the end of it all she cries for some reason. I’m not entirely sure what it is exactly about a psycho obsessed woman trapping her lover from escaping the underworld that emotionally resonates with her, but there you are. The judges think it’s the best thing ever obviously, and now she’s going to win all because she wore a fucking dress.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2030196_be-gothic-emo.html

As you all know, some group called Belle Amie left or something. I have shrug-rash. Is that even a thing? I’m high on Fruit Shoots. NIGHTY NIGHT. Next week something else will happen presumably!

X