13 Mar

I genuinely went to this!

It’s time!

To dredge up!


And the best part about this, is that we’re all so happy about it. Because this means for the next 2 hours or so, we don’t have to read books, or talk to anyone about ‘things’, or think about Jesus – or whatever the hell it is we all do when X Factor’s on. We’re free. The lineup for the evening, (More or less) IS:














And more!

Oh god, I can’t remember what order everyone went in. Not because I was engulfed in a sea of joy and happiness from all the glitter..and smoke..and..OKAY OKAY, THAT TOO. But mostly because the ordering was odd, some people sang more songs than others. Oh you know. I’m old, okay? And also, for some reason One Direction did 14 songs, which confused me a little – because I didn’t realise they were old enough to know what the word ‘song’ meant. Nonetheless, we must power through. If Dermot O Leary was here (Which he isn’t, because he’s clearly an idiot) – he would probably say something like this.

‘I must stress, buddy ol’ pals, that this gig review is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER.’

And it’s not. Because I’m senile. And it’s sad.


We were a little late because we’d been eating noodles – (Fair play to us, noodles are nice) so we missed a little of Paije’s rousing opening number for the show. I think he was doing the Hey Ya/I’m a Believer mash-up that Cowell HQ gave Paije as a present for singing the biggest pile of (Luther Van) DROSS that I have ever seen for 5 weeks on the live shows. This week was the week they let Paije be interesting for a couple of minutes. In honour of this, The X Factor tour set designers have given him what seems to be, quite a big deal. I don’t know, really. He was interrupting our ‘Walking around in the dark’ time. Essentially some sort of mock-up Austin Powers funky clip-art has been set about all over the place, reminding us that, Hey guys! It’s Paije! Remember him? What a guy! What a man! He wore pink sometimes! Mental! He just brought a smile on everyone’s face, never got in anyone’s way – or complained. CLASSIC Paije. Remember? Remember??

In fact, Paije was so terrific, me and my friend Tash decided to not bother with finding our seats, and sat cross legged-wide eyed, and hopeful on the floor of the MEN Arena in silence, whilst Paije sang his heart out.

Oh wait, sorry. I for some reason misspelt ‘felt incredibly indifferent about the whole thing’ then. Never mind.

Later on, Paije sings another song! Killing me Softly, to be specific. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Because they made him. Even though on the programme that this tour is apparently based on, his version of Let it Be was quite good. Alas, they’ve already given Katie the ‘song from Beatles week that signified an emotional moment for the singer’ thing. God..that was a terrible week, wasn’t it. This evening is going to dredge back all these repressed things I fear. I may need to be held.


Look, he’s attractive – alright? I’m sorry, but that is how I feel. What do you want me to do? Say he isn’t attractive, when he clearly is? That would be treason. Or blasphemy. Or fascism. Whichever fits better. And maybe a bit racist too. Yes. You massive racists.

Anyway. Aiden sings Diamonds are Forever. He has a big blue shiny stage. We’re still looking around for our seats at this point (Because we’re idiots) and so I’m not paying my full, undivided, sexy attention. But this is fine.  Because he is very nice. Eventually we sit down on our stupid idiot bottoms and enjoy him sing Shirley Bassey. He seems to be very confident. I can tell this because he walks around a lot. Heh. Yes, I suppose that was pretty clever of me to deduce wasn’t it.

Later on – Aiden comes back again. Always enjoyable. Firstly though, a quick aside. I know some people find X Factor cruel! And I have (for some aimless reason) devoted my soul into informing them, that The X Factor is so much more than just a machine using human beings as performing monkeys to fund Simon Cowell’s Sexy Lady and Magic Gold House Parties, but maybe in this instance, they were all correct – and Aiden is singing THAT SONG OFF DONNIE DARKO (I’m so sorry, Tears for Fears – I’m just trying to fit in with my core demographic 😦 ) on a fucking revolving pedestal on a central stage, where fans can literally crowd around and tear bits of skin off his feet if they so desired. I’m not saying I did, I’m just saying this option was basically available.

Nonetheless, here Aiden was, on a little stage spinning round and round before our very eyes. It was obviously all very moody and atmospheric, and I ‘felt’ things. Mostly just bits of Aiden’s vital organs on the floor that were being shared around by his fans on cocktail sticks, but aside from that – a very lovely performance indeed.


After we recover from the initial shock that you are witnessing Katie Waissel performing to thousands of people at the MEN arena without anyone questioning anything, we all enjoy Katie singing her version of ‘The Beatles’ (Nope, me neither) ‘Help’. Her hair is blonde again, but don’t worry! She is STILL demure! Which I personally thought was an impossible thing to do without the aid of a meek brown cropped hairstyle! Shows what I know.

Now, listen. I am only going to say this once, and then I’ll make fun of her again. Just once. And then I’ll walk away.

She sang it well.

Right there. That’s another thing for us to all blame Yoko Ono for.

Katie returns later. She sings Oobeedoo, I’m likeable like you from the Jungle Book! Because this is what people like. People enhance their likings of other people if they have brown cropped hair – OR – they do SOMETHING WITH JUNGLES.

It is only those two things.

In the backdrop of Katie’s set for this performance, is a glowing Hollywood style billboard that proclaims:




And if it didn’t mean the literal sense of that sentence, (Despite all logic and the universe pointing to the fact it should) the only other reason that the X Factor producers would be stupid enough to put up something like that, is if she’s…supporting that band One Night Only on tour. Or something. Oh, you know the ones. The ones that play the guitars.

Okay, the ones that did THIS – and nobody told them that it WASN’T OKAY.


I don’t really have much to SAY about Wagner, it’s more so just how I felt at the time. A very unusual burning sensation, really. Does anybody get that? Wagner did his Love Shack/She Bangs mash-up, which was almost as good as when I watched it on Youtube 416 times. But upon watching Wagner, I felt, like that lion he so lovingly tail held – Wagner was being trapped – in an X Factor Dystopia where he must play bongos for laughing children until his golden locks begin to wither. If I was, say, Wagner’s PR in this proceedings, I would see to it that he was properly fed and watered in a larger scale habitat, sans B52s. I would also let him nuzzle me. But only twice a day. I’d feed him chocolates and ask him about what really happened between him and Daniel Radcliffe. And if he doesn’t want to tell me, that’s okay. Because part of me feels, like I already know.

Wagner’s second performance is the Livin’ La Vida Loca/Spice up your Life mash-up. It is exactly the same as the other performance, except Wagner looks a tad more drug-addled this time round. I will just have to hum the O Fortuna/Cheryl Cole Council Estate rant mash-up that I was praying and hoping for in my head then.


After me and Tasha ripping her to shreds emotionally and physically in the introduction VT sequences with such catty marks as ‘Her fringe looked a bit thin before, didn’t it?’ Mary takes to the stage in a CLASSIC Mary Byrne-style glittery top and sweeping long black trousers. I feel somewhat like..dare I say, a bit of a fashion icon, seeing Mary – because I think I bought the exact same trousers for a job interview working in a milkshake shop! I didn’t get it.

Mary sings Barry Manilow, which for some reason I completely forgot she sang on the show. HOW THE FUCK DID I FORGET THAT?

Then I remember that last time I saw this woman singing this particular song, she was wearing devil horns. So that particular memory was most likely sucked out of my system during all the therapy.

We both agree, that Mary yells in a particular lovely tone. And then off she goes back to her day job presumably. No! Not Tesco, you ignorant fools. She’s bigger than that now. Now she has the unmitigated honour of shaving Jane Mcdonald’s legs every couple of weeks. I knew she’d make it. *Tear*

Later on – Mary comes back! Looking a bit more ashamed than before. She sings ‘This is a Man’s man’s man’s world’ and she seems very adamant about that. So that’s fine, I’ll let her have that. It probably is a man’s man’s man’s world.

Oh shit, I’m a woman. I suddenly feel rather repressed.  Thanks a lot for bringing down the mood, Mary. Thanks a bloody bunch.


Ah, okay. The famous one. This should be lovely and significant. Cher sings lots of songs, because she has red hair now, which means she is infinitely a better person than everyone else. Even though she is singing Avril Lavigne in a PVC tutu. She can do shit like that, and people aren’t allowed to argue. The Daily Mail reliably inform me that what Cher Lloyd is carefully carrying out is a ‘harajuku girl’ style ensemble. Now I, as I’m sure everybody else in Western civility probably feels too – had never heard of ‘Japan’ until this groundbreaking article, and was delighted to learn all about harajuku girls. Thank god Gwen Stefani had also put an input in about this completely unheard of fashion style a few years ago too. I just thought she was a bit batty! Cor, what did I know! Pokemon. How amusing.

There’s a wonderful, awesome, organ-swelling moment in which Cher performs a SONG THAT WASN’T ON THE MAIN SHOW, but this far into the tour, she is probably grimacing in disdain about singing it again anyway. But it’s good for me. It’s..yes, another mash-up – X Factor were just going through that ‘phase’ alright? But it’s the elusive Will Smith/Willow Smith one. The forgotten Cher Lloyd performance. It’s a bit like Atlantis, but more culturally relevant.

Oh fuck it, it’s awesome. No, just seriously – leave me alone in peace. I’m happier now. More at peace with my well being as a person.

Other Cher Lloyd performances include OBLIGATORY STAY. In which Cher instructs us all to ‘Stay with me’, to which I’m wringing my hands and awkwardly feet shuffling to going ‘Oh..really Cher? Really, must I? What about my future aspirations?’

She also sings SOMETHING ELSE. Which I’m going to let you assume is good. Or bad. Or ‘a Cher Lloyd performance’. Whatever, really. Is there no mystery left in life?  Here’s Neil Buchannnan to explain more.


I don’t remember this person on the X Factor. Yet here she stands. In  a knock off from the Sassy Ladies! section from the Don’t give a Shit Theatre Company no less. Everyone STANDS UP, for this woman. This woman who once let Christina Aguilera rape her on stage, on primetime Saturday Night television is now commanding OTHER PEOPLE TO STAND UP AND DANCE IN HER HONOUR. Okay, she never actually asks – but she does sing songs that use superlatives, which is basically the same thing.

Nonetheless, she seems to be doing this quite hot and good. (Botched grammar in an X Factor review? Unheard of, I know!) In an X Factor kind of way of course. Remember how she wasn’t a ‘Disco Diva’ (Christ, I’m sorry) in any way, shape or form on the show? And now apparently she is. Singing all the dancey songs that Cheryl suddenly realised suited her aprox. 5 minutes before the final. The soft, jazzy bullshit brigade has been offloaded on to the Waissel instead. Well, the main bulk that Leon Jackson didn’t gallantly absorb, 20,000 years ago.


I don’t know what to say. What do I say? Despite there being five of them, they still – as a conglomerate, are infinitely a better person than Olly Murs? Well, okay. If that’s what will make you feel better. For some reason, we have awesome seats for when the X Factor contestants are forced on to the Whore Stage at the centre of the stadium, and so begrudgingly put our 40 pounds to good use and edge nervously towards them. Akin to Meryl Streep’s child being dragged off to be killed, if you were looking for a visual.

Feeling a LITTLE BIT like massive pedophiles, I must say. But hey, I’m sure they get that all the time! Niall’s probably immune to all the trauma, let’s face it – he’s a pro now. In 60 years time (When he’s middle aged) I predict him to be on an interview sofa, voicing all this sexual trauma of the past, with a whethered, yet calm expression of acceptance. Like Mickey Rourke. Except without all the bullets and condoms that have been welded into his face, obviously.

One Direction sing LOTSANDLOTSOFSONGS. They are all about them being young, just like X Factor throws any ‘I’m old and alone, but I can STILL sing!’ lyrics at Mary on any opportunity. These songs are ‘Forever Young’, ‘Kids in America’, ‘Boom, Shake Shake Shake the Womb’ and an awesome Tales of Mother Goose/Hans Christian Anderson mash-up to conquer ALL mash-ups!

Oh also, I must add – that there’s a moment where Liam from One Direction looks directly into my face and eyes, and gives me a knowing look of ‘Yeah, you’re loving it’, basically. I would just like to inform all concerned, that I felt nothing from this glance, and I have continued my life since this moment, calmly, and without a niggling sense of sexual arousal for him.




This guy!

Matt Cardle finalizes this grand event, which kind of ruins the whole ‘Best til last’ tradition  that I thought we all enjoyed to stand by. You know, like desert.  So, in a way Matt Cardle is the restaurant equivalent of a pub lunch lasagne, that’s burnt at the edges. And makes a slight key change when you crunch into the Bechamel sauce. Do you all understand this analogy? Yes? Good, moving on.

Matt sings Lotsofsongs too. But it doesn’t matter in any way, shape or form – which songs these are. It moreso matters that sometimes he is high up, and sometimes he is walking across a bridge, and sometimes he is not. These are the facts. I don’t know if he was wearing a hat or not, because I was too busy thinking about how this grand bridge that he triumphantly walks across, is so in keeping with the idea of a JOURNEY. A journey he has taken. To middle of the road, to end of the road.


Mary sings the ‘I still remember’ line, because she is old.
Aiden sings ‘Just for one day’ because he’s attractive.
Cher sings ‘And the guns’, because she’s a serial killer.
Paije sings? Maybe.
Katie sings ‘And the dolphins’, because she is wistful at all times.
Matt sings ‘We could be heroes’, because he isn’t second guessing anything, which is probably wise.
One Direction sing ‘We could be heroes’ too, because they could – if they EVER remember to be born.
Rebecca sings ‘Nothing could hide us away – yeah’ Because she’s COME OUT OF HER SHELL

And then they all sing all the other bits in harmony. Because of soldiers. Thanks soldiers.

And this is the end.

My favourite part of the gig was the bit where me and Tasha got to the front of the queue at the bar quicker than we expected. It was a pleasant surprise.


Top 10 WORST X Factor Moments

20 Dec

Oh, I never mentioned but – Matt won. He celebrated by doing this:

Aint he nice. But it wasn’t all fun and mild homo eroticism, and woman-beating. There was also those horrific dark moments of X Factor..that lingered beneath Wagner’s bongos. So, for one last time – it’s time to face the (probable) music…


1. Nicolo Leaving

The man who said ‘crap’ on ITV1 and then got promoted to saying ‘piss’ to Konnie Huq was the first to leave the X Factor final. Which in itself is the reason he should not have been eliminated. I blame Cheryl, who squinted and clenched her way through her Judges Response of Nicolo’s Just Dance. “IDONTLIKEIT – SIMON MAKE IT GO AWAY.” – Dick.

Of course, it wasn’t just this that led to poor Nicolo’s demise…


2. The Awkward Gamu Thing

To clarify, I was not a massive Gamu fan myself. But apparently, the entire rest of the UK and beyond was. Upon Gamu’s teary little face once she learnt her fate, WAR STARTED. I got a poorly knee. The Daily Mail slaughtered entire counties. Despite the fact – It was clear as Simon Cowell’s fake glasses  that Cheryl was going to pick Katie, Rebecca and Cher. Cher – because SHE STOLE CHERYL’S EYES. Rebecca because COME ON, OBVIOUSLY. And Katie, because Cheryl thinks singing sounds like this:

But it wasn’t the premature exit, the apparent ‘Visa’ issues that bothered me. Moreso the fact that – that walking on sunshine cover wasn’t THAT GOOD, was it? The Pixie Lott cover was..yknow. A Pixie Lott Cover. Was it because she wore a flower in her hair? A symbol of charisma perhaps? A symbol of NOTHING. Gamu was ‘alright’ – SHE WAS ALRIGHT, SHE WAS FINE. But apparently I am wrong – and she is a woman worth rioting for.

For the record – I TOO, can sing KC and the Sunshine Band. I too, am funky. Cheryl Cole presumably doesn’t like me either. So erm..war, anyone?

3. Katie’s Mental breakdown Part #543

Oh sure, nobody was that arsed about TreyC. She just wore leather better than most…


But surely, surely she did not deserve to leave the X Factor – The Biggest singing Hair competition of 2010, when you’re singing TONI FUCKING BRAXTON against this:

THISISCHEATING. That’s not even her real hair.


Oh, you know. The SLAAAAG. She was rubbish, also – and fucked up a Paul Weller song. GIVE ME ANGER. Simon, I know you’re a massive fan of people coming from council estates and going on a journey and coming out of it all wearing nicer mascara, but you are also a fan of Sinitta and Daniel Bedingfield. So, where do we go from here?

Here, apparently.


Aiden Grimshaw In Tents.

Obviously a ‘shock’ (Which was Buzzword of the Week the following episode) when one of the previous front-runners Aiden Grimshaw was eliminated by 0.20 percent of the vote, putting Katie Waissel through despite a record four times in the bottom two.  Obviously, quite annoying, because Aiden’s hair is FAR better than hers.


Daniel Radcliffe meets Wagner

The greatest meeting of minds since…well, since Wagner met anyone, really – but yeah. They met. Daniel Radcliffe asked Wagner about lions. And then the BULLSHIT ITV1 EDITTING TEAM decided that was enough fun for one day, and presumably Cher sang Stay, as per usual. There is SO much footage of their entire conversation lost in the archives. This is MY Gamu.



Okay, I’m not saying that this is the first time a contestant hasn’t been pitch perfect. But Ray Quinn wasn’t on the series, this year – so WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO. I just don’t like to tune in to DEPRESSED WOMEN on a Saturday Night. Depressed Women are for Tuesday Nights, with port. Lacking in port – what is the point. Still – it was better than this (Because everything tends to be…)



EVEN JOHN FORGETTING HIS LINES WAS BORING. God, at least Storm would have cried during a Bono backing track, or something.


There isn’t anything to say.


And finally…






12 Dec



Well, yeah. Basically – it’s the final. You know what that means? Tiled firework blog background, that’s what.

So this is it. The last one. The finalé to end all finalés. Well, apart from tomorrow. THEN it’s over. Apart from the tour. Then it’s over. Well, until the next series, which starts like a week later… My firework background is mocking me.

Tonight, as you well know – Cher vs Matt vs Rebecca vs One Direction will be vying for the ultimate prize of a slightly shadowy looking album cover. I can hardly wait. I have some microwaveable beans in a box. This is going to be a wild one.

There’s an X Factor XBox game now? It looks a little like The Sims and Singstar combined – except shit. How the hell did they manage to do that?


Massive flashback, black and white, slow motion, echoes. All those happy memories! Remember when Cher sang Turn Your Swag On? And when Cher sang Stay? And when Cher got through to the final? Seriously X Factor editors – she can’t be that great a shag, but she is all the fuck over this shop. NO WONDER KATIE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SHINE.

Simon says ‘there’s going to be a shock tonight’. There isn’t. Unless he’s wearing his fangs and/or glasses. Come on, Si it’s the NotFinal. Live a little. The X Factor studio is glowing gold. Dermot is spinning. It’s time.

Oh excellent. The four finalists have masses and masses of mental idiots supporting them from their respective home towns, alongside ITV2’s floor department commentating. One of my favourite things about the final, mostly because they’re so unfucking necessary. When was the last eloquantly-put response we got from one of those live broadcasts?


So we kick off tonight’s NotFinal with all of the 16 contestants doing one last mime. Like the good ol’ days. And by ‘final 16′ I mean Aiden, TreyC and Katie will get to sing a little, and then they’ll let Cher do a four minute rap. Like the good ol’ days. Thank god they phased that out. Flashdance doesn’t even HAVE a fucking rap, it has dancing welders. How dare they replace dancing welders with Cher. DANCING WELDERS TO WIN. I have missed TreyC’s leather so much.

They’re letting Belle Amie sing? And yet they practically ban Nicolo from TV? God, nobody knows anything about anything, do they? HAHA LOOK ITS THE GLASSES ONE FROM FYD. I genuinely thought they had died. I also notice that Mary didn’t get a lead vocal part. She is there though, if I wear four pairs of glasses, and zoom in the tv until it is nought but a mass of pixels, and get my amateur Criminal Identikit set out to try and decipher the faces.

Ah. There she is at the back. N’aww, she looks lovely.


Dannii looks beautiful in red ruffles, and introduces Matt’s VT, Meet the Cardies! Everyone cries. The Cardle/Mary Byrne tear ratio is off the scales, folks. Especially Matt’s dad, who is chuffedtobits, and can’t even speak he is so choked up. Matt does a laddy ‘punch’ thing, to try and reaffirm some masculinity. Whilst wearing a cardie. Aww. Matt Cardie.

COME ON FOLKS, LET’S MAN UP A BIT – SHALL WE? How shall we do this? How shall we man up Matt Cardle?

Fuck it. Dido. It’s the final (Kind of). What the hell. Tonight Matt’s massive risk is Here with Me. YEAH LET’S SHOW EM. GRRRR. He’s wearing a waistcoat. *Flexes* I think you can still tell his voice is still flu-addled, a little. He’s nowhere near as strong as he was with Yellow Brick Road and such. Assumingly why he’s been given Dido, so he can easily soar through it and it still sounds impressive. Dido is the ultimate in CopOut X Factor performances. Remember how well White Flag worked for Diana a few years ago? Hmm, yeah. You get it.

I must say, Matt has defied the X Factor usual standards by making it this far in the competition despite being shunted to perform first, or early on – very very frequently. So props to him. Ooh, ghost violinists. Brian has been very morbid, this series. Everyone says how good Matt is, because you’re not allowed to be mean to them in the Final. If Wagner had been here, Cheryl would have been contractually obliged to CRAWL UP HIS DELICIOUS BUM. Which would have been wonderful, as Bum-Climbing always is.

Stacey Solomon is Essex’ Outside broadcaster for Matt – and it is just.

Now I have to stop talking about bums and tell you about how rubbish Rebecca was.


Rebecca VT. Tears, endless tears. Rebecca compares herself to The Beatles. I guess that Mission Coming Out of Shell we established for her in Week One was a roaring success, eh? Someone makes Cheryl a cup of tea. She says thanks.

CopOut Song Choice Number 2 comes in the shape of Just like a bloody Star, by Corinne Bailey Rae. Not only is it a really easy song to sing, akin to the Dido choice, but this was already sung by Rebecca at Boot Camp. At Boot Camp, it worked quite well, because it requires a stripped down vocal. But to sing it in an X Factor notfinal? I blame Mary for using up the Bassey-quota for the series in Week fucking three. I keep swearing. Sorry about that, but it is the Notfinal after all.

Rebecca is really ballsing it up. Suddenly notes are of no importance, and then four men come along to revolve her on her pedastel, if things weren’t lazy enough. She is such a field. There is an awful moment too, where they try and incorporate a key change into the song. And it doesn’t work. I mean, ouch, Rebecca. I used to really like her, I bloody married her at her first audition. Then there was a glorious honeymoon period. Plenty of intercourse. We had a trial seperation around about Candle in the Wind, and we’ve been dividing up our Billie Holiday record collection since Yesterday. Sheisstillprettythough.


Escalating, scarily higher and higher – are One Direction. Who have come a long long way in the competition. After all, they were only concieved at Boot Camp. In fact, by this reasoning, they haven’t even been born yet and they’re megastars. God, how depressing. *Has another box of beans*. The guys are really bringing out the big guns for their Final Performance. And that is – Harry Styles’ mum. There is a lovely moment, where they stare lovingly at eachother too, in some sort of Survival of the Fittest. (This pun, will make up for the awful one I’m going to hit you with in a couple of moments.) God, she’s hot. A Very Merry Milfmas (See.) love Mrs AidensMum and Mrs Styles this year, courtesy of the X Factor.

Alongside, all the SEX WITH HARRY’S MUM in the VT, the boys go up and down to their respective home towns to make young girls they’ve never met before cry. Some girl looks like she’s just awoken from a coma with ‘I love Niall’ on her face. I assume that someone beat her up and wrote that? Nobody voluntarily loves Niall, he’s the one you get last-dibs on at the school disco when Harry has stolen your date. After all – Harry is the hot one, Liam is the smart one (probably. I’m genuinely basing this on the fact that he has a deep voice.) Louis is the comical one, Zayn is the Can’tSing one, and Niall is the ‘one who looks like when he grows up he will wear a lot of sheepskin’ one. Cosmogirl might want to take a note for that one, for future captioning purposes. To rub salt into Niall’s gaping inadequate wound, the boys do not visit Ireland, because of all the damn snow.

One Direction sing Your Song. Why? I genuinely thought we’d escaped it when no one sang it on Elton John week. They appear to be doing the Ellie Goulding Advert version. Louis has his hood up. What the hell is he doing? Don’t One Direction get four million votes per follicle that is on show? Missed a trick, there Louis. Oh – I see. It’s snowing. Because apparently the theme for this performance is ‘Things we are definitely not Sick of’. The vocals are quite good, there’s an odd screechy moment where Harry gets a bit carried away. But EVERY follicle is on show, so he’s fine. Louis (walsh, this time) tells everyone in Ireland to vote for Niall. (Does Niall have his own number…?) Why? They didnt even bloody VISIT Ireland, the bitches. On to the important bit (THE OUTSIDE BROADCAST) where The hot one from Corrie is in Doncaster – which apparently is the mathematical average of all of One Direction’s home towns combined. Everyone screams a lot. A tram does not crash into them all.


Next up is CHER LLO-Yeah, me neither. Gosh, she slipped through the net didn’t she? Cher goes home. Cheryl gets ANOTHER cup of tea, freeloading cow. Although perhaps not as freeloading as Cher’s brother, who does the most unconvincing ‘I’m so proud of you’ speech and then gets a massive hug off Cheryl. I don’t like the look of this fellow. He looks like he smokes those awful cigarettes and drinks that awful beer-stuff. Not. to. be. trusted.

Aw, this is Cher’s last solo performance (Disregarding the 943,322 backing singers and enhanced backing vocals) of the series. She is singing Tales of Mother Goose remixed with Missy Elliott. Well I’m sure we all saw that coming. Hey, no fair – you’re only allowed to wear your pyjamas for X Factor if you’re sitting at home watching it. Cher’s do look quite comfy, though. Fair play. She does a really really good ‘QUIEEEEEEEEET’ thing at the end. Aw. I’ve had such oddly mixed feelings from Day 1 (Of X Factor, not from my birth) for Cher. But all in all – I think I quite like her. I just hate the music she likes. Oh, and she still should ‘stay’ the fuck away from Shakespear’s Sister.

The judges comments to Cher are quite foreshadowing of her inevitable decline. Louis, with a stupid smile pasted on his face says ‘Hey! You’re in the final! Who’d have thought it?’ to a massive BITCH-EYES stare from Cher. God..this isn’t going to be fun. The Outside broadcast is Scott Mills, with lots of fans, including Cher’s headmaster who says how brilliant she is. If I went on X Factor, my headmaster would have no idea who I was, but Cher’s headmaster talks as if they were kindred spirits. Lots of After-Class Detention heart to hearts, perhaps. Maybe Bad-Ass = The Secret of Success. Oh god, I’m never saying ‘Bad-ass’ again, I feel very ill all of a sudden. There is an amusing moment when Cher is interviewed after the Outside Broadcast in which she says ‘Ah yes. I saw a lot of familiar faces’ with such disdain. Oh come on Cher, fess up. Who was the bitch and who was the bigger bitch? Did one of them nick one of your fags, once?


It’s duet time! Matt is singing with Rihanna for the first performance. Were Shed 7 really not available? Oh well, I guess Rihanna will have to do. I can’t help wonder if Matt genuinely likes Rihanna or not. Nonetheless, he seems quite excited. I guess she is pretty hot. Hurray. Here comes the absolutely pointless VT, where they pretend like it’s a secret who he is performing with. Despite, you know – it being officially announced in the press conference earlier this week. Oh well. Oh hurray, again – they’re singing Unfaithful. Matt really does look like Derren Brown when he wears suits. Still though, he’s not exactly Rihanna’s perfect match is he? I look forward to the presumably horrifically forced chemistry.

Yeeep, there it is. I love X Factor’s logic though. Fire makes everything better. Fight fire with fire. Do everything Tom Jones says, basically. Aw man, Matt can’t falsetto anymore. Where did that power go? Maybe since he split with Grace he has been given slightly looser trousers by the Style team. Nonetheless – this is oddly awesome. What is wrong with me. Then Dermot comes along and completely ruins any attempt at sexual attention and says a joke, that I still can’t understand after about four listens. He either says ‘Are you the star, or something?’ or ‘Aretha’s car is burning?’ But I’m not sure. Probably the latter. Oh, Derm.


Oh alright, fine…

I’ll tell you what I think this was like. It wasn’t so much a duet of sorts, moreso Rebecca doing a solo performance of Beautiful for X Factor, and upon milding it up to such extreme levels, news breaks out – and Christina Aguilera, upon hearing about this – drops everything, runs to the X Factor Studio and gatecrashes Rebecca’s performance, chanting I’ll bloody do it then!’ And do it, she does. Doing all the ‘wooawooahs’ that she likes to do. Bless. What do they even mean? Are they coded ‘woahawoahs’? We’ve now reached the point where Rebecca can’t be arsed singing anymore, so Christina does her bits, too. Here, have Beyonce/Alex to show you what an actual duet is. (by X Factor standards.) It doesn’t even look as if Beyonce is trying to promote anything here, either. THE DAYS OF YORE.

One last thing, Rebecca. If Christina Aguilera sings “DON’T YOU BRING ME DOWN TODAY” to you, you DAMN WELL DO WHAT SHE SAYS.


Robbie Williams. One Direction. And yet – this was the best duet of them all.
So Robbie’s track record with XF has been…a little hazy over the years, but like a Waissel Warrior, Simon keeps pushing them out for more. MORE BREAKDOWNS, PLEASE. Unfortunately, I think Gary Barlow started hiding Robbie’s methanol the moment Take That officially re-banded.

Okay, so Robbie is a little wider-eyed than needs be, but they all sing all the words, all the time – and do HIGH FIVES. And then Robbie gives out ICE CREAM, and balloons! It’s amazing. I want Robbie to run my parties when I have a child. God, lucky kid. When I had birthdays as a child, I didn’t even have a pinyata. They just sat me down in the living room, and I played with the fire brush.


LOOK IN THE SKY. It’s CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Cher is performing with Will.I.Am, obviously. They cover two basic eras of the Black Eyed Peas. The era before Will.I.Am discovered Dirty Bit, and the era after. The Black Eyed Peas’ career has been akin to The Holy Book in so many ways, wouldn’t you think?

I liked this performance a bit. But let’s just say it. If it’s not Fergie – then what is the point in Will.I.Am. They could have just wheeled out Cheryl, she was only sitting over there. That would have actually been good (Good: Really awful). This is alright. Nah, its not – but you know. At least Cher actually sung her portion of the song.

OH GOD THAT’S IT. (Kind of.)

The performers have finished! Bad tidings. So what now, for the next forty minutes – pray tell? Oh. I guess that would be Rihanna plugging something, and Christina plugging something. You mean they didn’t come here to meet Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle? GOOD ON YA, ROBBIE AND WILL, who had the common decency to plug their singles on previous weeks. Oh wait a minute, Rihanna’s already performed too. Well. Meurgh.

Oh no. The results are frozen.

*Studio becomes encased in ICE and GHOST VIOLINISTS and bits of Storm Lee’s DEAD CARCUS*


Alas. We all saw it coming. Cher saw it coming from the first time she was placed in the Bottom 2, and henceforth is graceful in defeat. Hey, at least she knows how the show works. Even Katie thought she could still win it when she had been in the Bottom 2 for the 76th time. Are we enjoying EXAGGERATED NUMBERS, this evening – everyone?

And after 45 hours of my life, it’s time to say goodbye. Forever. Until tomorrow.

Who will win?

Like I’ve been saying for 10 weeks, it will be One Direction. We’ve been with them through their conception, their birth, their ‘terrible twos’, Zayn’s ‘rebellious phase’, and lots more. How could they not be our winners. But tune in, anyway – it’s their bar mitzvah tomorrow.


7 Dec

So after about..9 years, the X Factor finally will be drawing to a close this upcoming Saturday. Who’s sad? Yes – me. I’m sad. Let’s get cake.


The audition process since they changed it to having the ridiculous audience haven’t been my favourite stages in the past 2 series’ of X Factor, sure. But if it’s more likely that having an audience results in Primark-clad teenage girls punching eachother, then I am warming to the loveable yelling idiots.
‘Ablisa’  were not just unaccountably shit-legends for casual bodily violence, but for calling Louis Walsh ‘a fit old man’, not quite knowing whether or not they were sisters, auditioning for X Factor ‘cuz like dunno’ and if they didn’t think that they had enhanced phedophila quite enough – then this happened.
NSFW – And not safe for ANYTHING really.


The forbidden dance

How can we degrade these people more? LET’S MAKE THEM DANCE. Oh, it was spectacular wasn’t it. Total props for Mary for just getting up there and stealing my moves.


It was very bizzare, watching them all encased in this bubble from Choreography from the 90s, but dance – they did. Except for a pre-One Direction Zain, who didn’t want to. So Simon, out of the goodness of his stone cold heart – went backstage and MADE HIM, and this was somehow turned into a sentimental bonding moment between the lad and his future mentor. But the whole thing was still quite funny, in a sort of ‘Someone really should have stopped Simon Cowell from watching Glee before he came to work today’ type way.


Love her, or want to stab her eyes out with little pins – Katie Waissel was one of the top talking points about X Factor 2010.  So we will make a miniature top ten within the top ten (I am in many ways, like Shakespeare.) of Katie’s most ‘Katie’ moments

1. Not actually properly singing a song to get through to Boot Camp! But hey! That’s just her.
2. Boot Camp furry hat.

Okay not a TOP moment, but admittedly quite nice.

3. The Waissel family’s unusual career aspirations
4. The constant (alleged) shagging of all things. James Blunt..bloke from Apprentice..Matt Cardle..The entire production team. Topshop. The loins of a FIGHTER.
5. Neil Buchannan Makeover = My favourite thing ever.
6. You know what…SOD IT. *Sits on the stage and does a big Art Attack.*
8. Being in the Bottom 2 for a record breaking 4 times, but in the end – kicked out in a massive anti-climactic double eviction with Wagner.
9. Green Eyed World Part 5
10. This.


More brilliance from the world of Brian and his minions – with the Group Performances, performing VERY VERY BAD SONGS, every week. Wagner rapping to Sonny J, Paije doing the WORST MIME EVER, Matt and Aiden clearly just taking the mick, the weird corresponding outfits…so so so much denim…Their performance of Telephone is my particular favourite. Stop calling, stop calling! Even though it’s the results show, you REALLY NEED TO STOP CALLING. PS: Wagner’s k-kinda busy. So don’t even bother.


Here are the top 5 most mental moments from this year’s X Factor’s judging panel.

1. “You don’t want a tiger to lick you, you want a tiger to bite you.” – Simon
2. Konnie: How do you feel losing 2 acts in the space of 2 weeks? Dannii: Like shit.
3. Cheryl comparing One Direction to THE BEATLES.
4. Cheryl knowing FUCK ALL about Elton John.
5. And of course…



My favourite performance from X Factor this year was the way too early departed Aiden singing Diamonds are Forever in Week Three. After he admitted to being ‘a bit rubbish’ in the week previous with Jealous Guy – he totally came back like a bitch with this excellent Arctic Monkeys-do-Bassey homage. And he had a microphone made of chains, which was MINT. Pretty much the only X Factor performance I’ve ever enjoyed from a ‘Wow, I actually like this as MUSIC’ point of view. A rarity. Although Wagner doing O Fortuna was a  pretty close second…

A really close second.


Under the command of Grace Woodward (no, not just Matt. Wahey? etc.) the X Factor contestants stole some of the glory of Cheryl’s Baco-Foil of the Week outfit choices. Cher’s tuxedo, Wagner’s bleeding eye, Aiden’s straight jacket, Rebecca’s hernia dress, Paije’s 1992, Katie’s helmet…The Big Red HairDye Fiasco of Week Two…


From Matt Cardle’s Hat, to Katie Weasel – the Twittersphere was awash with X Factor Twitterati this year, with the most wonderful 140 character witticisms the world has seen. And of course the X Factor contestants themselves use Twitter too – most prominently NICOLO – who after recieving the boot in the first live show (Belle Amie, I blame you somehow.) Nicolo drowned his sorrows instead of the most marvellous tweets of all time. Aside from Alan Sugar. Nobody out-tweets Alan Sugar.

Here are just a couple of my favourite X Factor Twitterings:

So I have x factor rehearsals for 4 days straight. Rehearsing WHAT exactly? I hope big orgy on live TV.
Quite drunk. So drunk. Me and Matt Cardles Sock are showing each other our willies!
“Olly Murs with his brilliant debut album”.
I want to write a power ballad for Mary, called Cleanup On Aisle Seven (Of My Heart)
X FACTOR’S SHIT. GOOD SHIT, THAT IS. (Follow this account, she’s amazing – seriously.)


The shock. The shock that went through my heart on the first live shows, where halfway through She Bangs, Wagner banged too. Before he found the blessed instrument, I thought he was just a throwaway novelty act. How wrong can one person be? Apparently very very wrong.

LOBE SHACK. I would love to be in a lobe shack with Wagner. Can someone set that up for me, please?


If you feel so obliged, please send me your Top 10 X Factor moments from this year, and we can all gorge on the memories to death until we’re crying because it’s ALL OVER. Christmas is going to be shit.


6 Dec

Good evening!

The blog is late because I was out watching Aiden sing at ChavDiscos until 8am, instead of the Cher&OneDirection amalgram of Testes on ITV1. I’m now tucked up in bed judging them all, armed with cupasoup – where I belong. This means I have to watch X Factor on ITV’s SHITTY PLAYER (Which is actually what it’s called)

It’s time – to face – the *Buffering, please wait*


You know what’s more annoying than 6 advert breaks?

7 advert breaks, presumably.

But also REALLY FUCKING SLOW LOADING AD BREAKS. And its ALWAYS the same one. It’s Balls, I tell you. I apologise for comparing  everything as Man bits, tonight. I was just trying to sex up the place now that the gaping absence of Wagner has left the building. I was so sad. His hair was so well conditioned.

So this week it’s Club Classics apparently. Presumably like the ones I had to listen to last night. Which means nobody actually needs to sing – just stand there mid-strobe light going unchunch will suffice really, with vomiting children in pleather in a Brian-choreographed masterpiece. Iwantthistoactuallyhappen.

Exclusive: Nobody wants to go home. They’re all very adamant about that. Especially Mary. She wouldn’t like that much. So I’m sure nobody is going to take that away from her. *Has already watched the Results show.*

So, yeah. Let’s see what the ratio of Actual Club Classics to Songs that an amateur DJ may have played at Someone’s party Once is!


Woah, alright. One nil to my cynicism, Rebecca actually is singing a Clubby type song. It’s that one that goes ‘you’ve got to show me love’ and she’s got dancers and a massive platform to emphasize the fact that OMG SHE’S WALKING, or whatever. It’s quite good actually. She’s wearing shiney black stuff, she knows how to reel me in. She’s still a bit of a field though. And if you were to ask me whether I enjoyed the badly buffering cute snow cat advert or that, I think you all know what I would choose. I REALLY WANT TO BUY CUTE SNOWY CATS (I assume that is what the advert was for.) There’s a funny moment when the judges give their comments and Louis says it was ‘the best of the night’. She was first on.


“Being in the bottom two last night just made me think ‘Oh Sugar”. Which is available at various supermarkets round the country, by the way. I wouldn’t be thinking of sugar at a time like that, to be honest Mary. Although Wagner was presumably thinking about ladies’ bottoms during his performance. But this is also true of every waking second in his life. So many bottoms…

Mary’s singing ‘I’m never going to say goodbye – I’m going to say Ooh Ooh instead’ or something to that effect. I am ‘not familiar’ – because I listen to music with guitars in. It’s a bit Not Bassey-y this week too, and wearing a black shiney thing. I do like shiney things, so props to her. This is a bit rubbish, and it doesn’t sound like she’s singing it in the right ‘order’. Unless this song is just really crap and lacks structure. Ooh ooh. I think X Factor is done with Mary. Sad face.  Well, slightly indifferent face. But I was trying to show that I had a heart. But then I remembered that only Mary has a heart, as Louis confirmed a couple of weeks ago. (And then in no way, didn’t ram the point home every single fucking second since then. IT’S NOT EASY, BEING ABSENT OF VITAL ORGANS, LOUIS.)


Matt’s been poorly. He talks in his VT about having tonsilitus, and then also for some reason about the fact that ‘he’s glad hes’ got style now.’ God – he really liked that vest, didn’t he? Vests is Bests.

He’s singing You’ve Got the Love. I’ve never heard of this song ever, apart from every single day since 2009. Damn you Florence. Candi Station totally owns your stupid, square chin. And your stupid-Oh, okay it’s stopped buffering now.

Oh I like it. How odd. Well, yes he does sound a bit croaky I guess but he makes a very good job of it.  He isn’t doing Batman-Come Together voice at least. Okay, he is a bit. And they’ve promoted him to an electric guitar this week too. The producers and such have been quite instrument-friendly this series, haven’t they? Oh alright, it’s mostly been Matt and Katie’s pretend keyboard, but I remember how it was a massive deal when Laura White played the piano a couple of series’ ago. Then she got voted out. Audience don’t likey actual talent. She didn’t wear enough leather.

I should stop veering on to such talk. Wagner’s absence has clearly given me ‘the sex shakes’. (You can make up your own mind what ‘sex shakes’ are. Perhaps leave me a comment, we could make it a ‘feature’)

More moronic statements in Judges Corner, with Simon proclaiming ‘I had a cold this week aswell and you don’t see me complaining.’ Baring in mind, Matt actually had tonsillitus, which can cause vocal issues and that he is a SINGER IN A SINGING COMPETITION of course. Dannii cleverly incorporates the song title into her comments. GENIUS. Yes, Matt does have the love. Also, I like Matt’s shirt. Just thought I’d say.

Wow a Christmas Cornflakes advert. Does this make cornflakes slightly less rubbish? No.


Cher’s wearing a tux. COOL. I’m enjoying the styling this week. Nothing to do with the fact that I got Grace Woodword to tweet me and we’re now bessie mates, by the way. Now – this is moreso the fact it’s a SHINY BOW TIE. Heeheehee. She’s singing a song about being a beautiful girl in the world. Aaah right, I get the lesbian tweets now. Well I LOVE LESBIANS and I actually think this is good. I actually quite like the soft little flicks she does with her voice too. Oh god, what am I turning into? An actual person who likes her actually? Wow.


Simon “I just had a cold and you don’t see me complaining” Cowell is not here to mentor the boys this week, so pawns them off on Cheryl. They’ve all come dressed as Dermot O Leary this week. Louis looks weird in that grey jumper. Are those..’pecks’? This boy just made someone a Get Well Soon card. Those can’t be pecks.
They are singing the new Rhianna song, which is AWESOME. (The song, not the fact that they are singing it. I don’t like that) It’s, you know. Bitrubbish. What else can I say? That I enjoyed their well positioned harmonies? No. I can’t say that.


Matt’s up again, and he’s doing GOODSONG Womanny Bob Dylan thing. Oh, it’s not club classics anymore. It’s just normal songs or whatever. This possibly means music with actual music in it, which I’m always down for. He’s a bit croaky on it, and Cheryl looks concerned. At the end he tries to break out the big guns (No, not the vest) with a big bit at the end, but his voice can’t handle it and it all goes a bit off. And then he goes ‘ooooooh.’ Simon’s like ‘yeah it was well rubbish’, and Louis’s like ‘No way man it was well good.’ It was alright – I like that song, and I like Matt. But I don’t like tonsillitus, so that put a dampener on things. Even if I hadn’t already seen the results show I would be confident in saying he would make the final. Yay, and such. I want him to win. Stupid One Direction and their stupid young skin.


Louis is still confident she can win the competiton. Except for when he totally said on Xtra Factor that she wouldn’t win a few weeks ago. So yeah. This time around she’s singing The Way We Were. NOT – Memories from Cats, which is what I thought it was at first, which terrified me, because of how off the first line was. Although the first line of Memories from Cats isn’t ‘Memories’ – so I don’t even know what I’m on about. If you do want to see a middle aged woman fucking up Memories from Cats though, go see Susan Boyle’s BGT Semi-final performance. *Shudder*But no, this is Streisand. God, Louis gives her so many ‘I’m really Old’ songs, doesn’t he. The way we WERE, Because now I’m old. It’s a standard Mary performance. Bit o’ Bassey, black sparkly number, harking back to the good old days. Lots of hand grabbing. Oddly enough I quite like it – WOAH WOAH she just started crying, hello. What for? This is awful. Cheryl’s all like ‘chill out, you’ve had a good run’. But basically, what they’re saying is – she’s definitely not going to the final. In fact, nobody even suggests it might be. When Dermot interviews her afterwards, she says ‘It was a happy tear for the loved one that I lost’. How is that happy? Someone died. Well rubbish. It’s rubbish when people die. Either way – I’m very aghast now. I’d rather not be aghast. Oh god, Karl Pilkington Sky Plus advert. Okay now I’m crying.


“This song makes me feel every emotion under the sun” says Cher. What? Sadness? Happiness? Fear? A mild skin irritation? She’s singing Love the Way you Lie. So that’s Rhianna and Eminem respectively. From what it sounds like in the VT – she’s going to do a conglomorate of both versions, joy of joys. Cheryl wants everyone to see in Cher what she sees in Cher. Surely that is just YOUR OWN FACE, though, Cheryl? Eurgh the stupid cocking ITV Player has crashed. But I bet it’s really really rubbish. Okay it’s back now. Sing-rap-sing-rap. Yeah yeah, alright Cher. Nice one. She’s not even wearing anything shiney to make this more interesting for me. OH, but there is fire. Yay. Flamey. Louis loves it. Dannii says she would have liked her to sing a ballad to get her to the final. Was that not…kind of a ballad? Sans the rap, obviously. Oh god – I don’t know music anymore. Without Wikipedia I am NOTHING. Simon spouts some crap about ‘not selling out by doing a ballad’ – yeah yeah Si, you love NOT SELLING OUT. That is so not you. Grumble mumble. Besides, what about the other week when she totally sold out and did a ballad in her save-me performance? Then Cher goes all catty bitch mcgee and says that ‘Yeah Ballads have been done, I wanted to put a new twist on English music.’ What the fuck does that even mean? And all the judges clap because Cher apparently said something bold, apart from Dannii who has daggers coming out of her face. I’m pro-Team Minogue, so Cher can shut up and stuff. ‘Ballads have been done.’ – Says the girl who sang Stay twice.


Eurgh, because Rebecca was like ‘OH BLOODY HELL ALRIGHT THEN, I’LL FUCKING DO UP-TEMPO’ earlier on, she now never has to do it again apparently and can go back to some of those awful ‘Sell out ballads’ that we all love. It’s Amazing Grace, too. Why do they keep doing this to her? I miss her being all fit in the earlier weeks doing Peggy Lee in red hernia dresses. Now they’ve just given her the God Makeover like they did with Stacey last year. I want Jarvis Cocker to get his bum out. (Not – just in general) Oh god – there’s also a choir, which is basically X Factor’s way of saying ‘We have accepted you.’ As for the performance itself – well –

I’m not trying to say she’s middle of the road. I’m trying to say that SHE IS A ROAD.

And with that we are done! Bravo to all.


EDIT: This is how memorable One Direction’s second performance was. I completely forgot to write it in.


The new Black Eyed Peas song is amazing and I LOVE FERGIE. Just wanted y’all to know. I’ve just seen both shows back to back, so seeing Alexandra Burke singing that big ballad and stuff with all the upside down violinists was 80,000 times better than Rebecca. I feel like a bit of a meanie, I used to really like Rebecca. I just don’t like the fact they’ve turned her into God – and I don’t like that guy. Wow, Rebecca just made me blaspheme. Bitch.

In the bottom 2 – it was inevitably Cher and Mary – both previous Bottom two candidates. Cher is singing – oh jesus she isn’t singing Stay…wow. That’s not fair, I wanted to bully her, and it would have been hilarious. Mary’s doing This is a Man’s World. Again. LAZY BITCH. Yay. Got my fun. Very very obviously – it was Mary that went home. And thank god, because Debenham’s were running out of  black evening gown selections. I did like Mary, I did. But she really lost her footing in the later stages of the competition, and Louis making her out to be 40 years older than she was just meant she wasn’t going to suit any demographic because her demographic would be DEAD.
I think – based on what they did with her, it was the right decision. Even though there shouldn’t have been a Bottom Two this week anyway, there hasn’t been before. Surely at this point it should be about viewers votes, and popularity as a potential winner. But no. Simon wanted Cher, so he wins all the time. Why don’t I ever get to win? I would hate to play Scrabble with him.

That is it for tonight. The final 4 are



I wonder if Niall will go to second base with Simon when they win…


28 Nov

Welcome back, I missed you. I’ve been sat at home gazing into the empty husk of ITV waiting for the big shiny flashy lights to come back on. My week has been mostly Alan Titchmarsh-based.

Last Week!

Was so terrible, that Paul McCartney’s hidden contempt was too overpowering, and he finally succumbed to gravity

This week!

It’s…Rock Week!

Rock music of course, recently introduced to us by Simon Cowell in 2009 when he met a man with an afro, and thought. ‘Hmm, that’s pretty out there.’

So in keeping with the theme of Rock Week, Dermot has worn a slightly tighter waistcoat, and is wearing what appears to be a slightly lighter shade of grey. (Revised Procol Harum titles) Everyone will be singing (U)2 SONGS. I am suddenly thinking back to a simpler time, where only Alan Titchmarsh’s soothing tones were my focus in life. But times move on and Wagner sings Radiohead – as the old saying goes.

Did someone deliver a basket of disregarded pieces of glittery fabric with a note saying ‘Please take care of me’ to Cheryl at some point earlier this year? Because she’s wearing more SHIT GLITTER. (I know there’s an available pun there, but I just can’t.) Oh, Simon stops her from saluting too. Which is brilliant. I wish Simon had been wearing his fangs during that. It’s combined winning actions such as this which hinder the Apocalypse. I look forward to finding out what Cheryl doesn’t know about music this week. The Will.I.Am theme week is still on ice I assume.


My Happy Place.

The worst kept secret ever is the fact that Wagner is doing Creep this week. What is surprising, however is that he is performing first. I had a sneaking suspicion/Desperate hope he would be on last – in a glorified LED display of colours and glory and sex. He would be accepted, finally. And Wagner Karate would go GLOBAL. (Still no news of local lessons in my area).

No such luck. Instead, Wagner stands alone singing Creep. He sings from the heart STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES. That’s Biology, for you. Obviously when the X Factor starts veering towards your favourite bands, people start getting nervous, and angry. But when Wagner does it – it is a compliment. A compliment to music. All is well. Until Louis Walsh declares the lyrics of Creep to be ‘I’m a Creep. I’m a Winner.’  Inspired. Thom Yorke purposely shoots himself, just so he can roll around in his own grave.  Dermot invites Thom to call in and tell us what he thought. HE’S DEAD, DERMOT. DEAD.


I swear Dermot is saying ‘Wand Erection’ on purpose. For the larks, of course. Well I’m laughing. Or crying. My emotions have all jarred together. Still – it’s good he can still have a laugh despite such copious amounts of grey introduced into his life. That waistcoat is literally sewed on to his chest.

One Direction are now introduced, which sufficiently kill any mild sexual liberation I may have just started to feel over waistcoats. They are singing It Doesn’t Matter but probably Something Awful – by Bryan Adams. Did the XF Producers not learn anything from general opinion, or failing that – Storm Lee? No. I’ve just remembered they sang Summer of ’69. The best days of all of their lives, I’M SURE. They weren’t even born in 2009, let alone 69 – so I think this song choice was a bad call. Damn you Simon. Blaming it on Harry too, you bitch. Harry doesn’t even know who Bryan Mcfadden is, let alone Bryan Adams. Nice ringlets, though. That, my friends – is perspective. I have no idea how they sang the song, by the way. I’ve just found out that Bowling for Soup (me neither) once did a cover of Summer of ’69 though. So, at least things are looking vaguely positive for the boys – if you look at it from that point of view. See? Pers-pect-ive.


Disaster. Mary is running rapidly low on Bassey covers now. It’s a bit like the oil-shortage, but actually important. Considerably. I am ‘not familiar’ with this particular U2 song, but not because I am ignorant of a world before Akon. (I MISS THAT WORLD) but moreso because I know that one day I will die, and it would be unfair to waste this precious time I have on this utter non-song when there is so much Will Young in the world yet to be discovered. As for Mary – she who opens her mouth wide, opens it widest – I don’t know. It wasn’t really anything other than a woman. On telly. Which is fine, I guess. Gosh – I really should stop complaining.


Last night in a not-so dramatic showdown, Cher was in the bottom 2 alongside Paije. It was declared a SHOCK again. This term has been used to describe every single Bottom 2 thus far, for seven years. It was moreso just an ‘Oh’. A far more accurate term. Last week, there was a massive error of judgement made and Cher drabbed her way through in a drab dress and drab stairs. It really said a lot for last week that a set of stairs was the central argument of the show. It wasn’t even a full staircase either, which makes it even more tedious. Can’t help suspect Simon was dead proud of himself, and wrote it down on those ambiguous notepads they all seem to have under the ‘Jokes’ section of the spreadsheet. This week Cher has been given her own clothes back, and completely reversed everything – pretending it never happened. To improve Cher it has somehow been deduced that this is only possible by singing Avril Lavigne. I still haven’t got over when Diana Vickers sang this, and Dannii said it reminded her of Debbie Harry. It wasn’t quite up to Lenny Henry standard, but still made the very essence of my soul whimper softly, like a small dying kitten.

Nonetheless Cher will sing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. Girlfriend of course, being the turning point in Avril’s career where she dyed her hair pink and started wearing skirts which completely botched up my admission that it was okay to wear long sleeved shirts under short sleeved shirts in my teen years. Damn you, Avril. I THOUGHT YOU ACCEPTED ME. Cheryl wisely proclaims the song choice as being more ‘pop-rock’ as if it has never been thought of before. The Pitchfork offices go into meltdown, with a new musical hybrid realised. 2011 is going to be mental.

As for Cher’s actual performance – it was more of the same Lady Sovereign, volumised hair shitstorm that will rain down upon us for months to come. Dannii is the only one that actually says it was shit (Not at all paraphrased). I LOVE YOU DANNII. (Also on ITV2 last week when asked ‘How do you feel’ when she lost Paije – she simply said ‘Like shit’. Which was really, excellent form.) 


Last week, I had nothing to say about Rebecca so I posted a picture of a field. I promise not to be as cruel this week, and will value Rebecca’s song choice and ‘unique’ (Billie Holiday who?) voice with the respect it is due. This week! Rebecca is going to rock out and treat us all to a bit of I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, by U2! Cheryl tells us it’s going to be like nothing we’ve seen before. Ah, I see what she did there. I think. I wait, baited breath – on a wide, glittering ocean of tenterhooks. Hmm. Oceans…



After something presumably happened, we are greeted to our last remaining boy. Last week, Matt sang Vests is Bests and There is a horrible montage of Matt going through the now DEAD boys from his category. God, it makes me so depressed that Katie Waissel is apparently more appealing than Aiden and Nicolo, and Paije’s cardigans. If I had a labotomy, I would be so much more in tune with this programme, I feel. Rebecca’s performance has helped me on the way to achieving that however. So big thanks.

Matt is singing LAZIEST SONG CHOICE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I love Rock and Roll. Because it is Rock Week. And we love that. I think that’s the message that is trying to be conveyed. At least when Ruth Lorenzo sang this a couple of years ago, she accessorized the song with a BIG LEATHER CORSET. Take that VESTS.

Matt sings it, with dancers showing him their vaginas mid-song. That is the power of a vest. I can’t judge it vocally, because of all of the vaginas. But I assume it was fine, it’s hardly a vocally demanding song. Or lyrically demanding. Or musically deman- oh you get it.

At the end of the performance he says ‘hats off’ to the other contestants, which is funny because he used to wear a hat – which means his comment had double-meaning. He’s a complex character.


What is UP with this woman? Is she, or is she not – in a 1930’s Sci Fi thriller? Because her continued insistence that she is ‘THE REAL ME’ has got me wondering. Basically, I’m subtly insinuating that Katie has alien pods hidden in the boot of her car. This week, Katie is going to sing Sex On Fire MY HAIR. Oh, and her gran’s a proz. Dontcha love The News? So I’m hoping the same awkward judges conversation about ‘Lyrics of songs’ comes up, as it did for Wagner.

She sings. Alright, I think? Not that it’s relevant at all. She looks SO much like Neil Buchannan.


Yay! Simon actually alludes to the gran-prozzie thing, which is kind of cool. Katie looks uncomfortable. Brilliant. I’m utterly enchanted by the fact that Jamie Afro is trending on twitter after her performance. Did Louis call her a ‘little female afro-less Jamie Afro?’ or something and I missed it? Because I don’t want to have to rewind my Sky Plus and see her STUPID FACE more than three times in one evening. Life SO owes me one.


Alright, life – we’re even. Fantastic. This guy again.  Wagner is now singing Addicted to Lobes. Well, aren’t we all. Only your lobes though Wagner. And the rest of you. He has his sexy dancers back, who are all dressed to emulate the Robert Palmer video. Fair dues – he worked hard, now he gets to play hard. At sex. With women. A game in which everybody wins.

And bless him, because it would be incredibly difficult to perform this song without us all inexplicably comparing it to one of the Great X Factor Performances of All Time.

It’s a traditional Wag-performance, he moves elegantly and the same conversation about Wagner’s relevance in the competition is brought up again. Louis Walsh’s argument is basically the same – which he announces with such nobility, akin to Churchill’s speeches. This argument is essentially ‘PEOPLE ARE VOTING FOR HIM SO HE MUST BE GOOD.’  This is the worst argument ever. If the entire human race embodied the same opinions as the majority of X Factor voters, I might be more inclined to ship in more of Katie’s Alien pods, and create a new society.

A purer race?


You are so beautiful, to me. Sings Harry and his friends. Eurgh. Simon Cowell really really hates music, doesn’t he. They sing it in that Unique One Direction Way, of standing there, with hair, and such.
I do like them though. And they will obviously win, because you can throw as much bland music at them as possible and they remain as enigmatic as ever. It’s either an ingenious musicality that has given them this ability, or supple, fresh skin.  So you can deduce by yourselves which category you fall into, there.  You know I already know.


Eurgh. No, not again. I do like her, I do concede this. But I’m too young to understand the validity of Mary as a singer. Too old to understand One Direction. There is nothing for me anymore. 21 IS NO LONGER THE AGE OF VIBRANT POSSIBILITY. She is singing The Pretenders, Brass in Pocket. I’m so good at this on Singstar. And so is Mary, as it seems. She is wearing a leather jacket, too. Aah – I’m beginning to ‘get’ her now, due to this. But the whole performance, as Dannii rightly says (Seriously, love you Dannii) that it is too karaoke. I still reckon I’d beat her at Singstar though. Just. She might get more golden notes than me. Although I can also open my mouth very wide, so she’s in for a competition. Much bigger than this silly ITV thing she’s doing. Well now I’m revved up.


Right, so Rebecca may or may not have sang a U2 song for her previous perfomance. I assume that this second performance, will be TOTALLY AWESOME in comparison. Well, it already isn’t U2 – so it must be. Unless it’s Olly Murs. I assume Cheryl Cole would think Olly Murs was a rock singer. She’s singing I can’t get no satisfaction! She’s DANCING in her VT. Ooh, this is very interesting. Even Rebecca herself mentions that she’s not exactly been a ray of light in the competion thus far – so finally we will get to see a newer Rebecca. With moving legs. I’m making ‘ooh’ noises in my head at the thought.

The Ooh! rapidly transforms into a dissapointed Oh. She’s doing the Aretha Franklin version of I Can’t Get no Satisfaction, and she’s standing! Okay, okay – standing next to DANCERS – okay, well done. That so doesn’t count. I thought this woman auditioned for P-Diddy’s AllStars or something? Surely a show with such a title would include a vast variety of pulling shapes. For now, the only shape she is pulling is a very straight rectangle. She is very pretty and nice though. That was a good performance too. Her hair looks nice also.I’d quite like to take her for brunch. She’s definitely a brunch person. I seem to be veering.


For her next performance she is singing Everybody Hurts by REM.

I’m sorry, but I need her to stay away from this. She can do all the faux-Gwen Stefani a gal can muster. But she can’t sing Everybody Hurts, with misty eyes and expect us all to weep in unison with her. No. NO THANKS, I’LL JUST TAKE THE BILL PLEASE.


I wonder why Matt didn’t want to be called Matthew Cardle instead. Think of all those other Matthews he could have been grouped with. Matthew Kelly. Matthew Wright from the Wright Stuff. Okay, maybe sticking to Matt was the best idea. He is singing Knights in White Satin. Hurrah, I like this song. He has his magic guitar again, which makes The Population of X Factor hail him as a musical genius. In fact it does get mentioned on ITV2 (By Danny Dyer, no less) how he is unaccountably ‘real’ by having a guitar. Nobody has ever played a guitar? Blimey, I suppose that is pretty good then. I AM ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH AS YOU, MR DYER.
On the performance – I love it actually. In a Post-Aiden dystopia, Matt is the only person in the show who I can now like as an actual singer. I would happily have the X Factor finish on this performance. But instead I have to contend with Cher singing Aerosmith.


Cher does lots of rapping an’ that. This isn’t even as good as the Sugababes/Girls Aloud version. This is such a rubbish anti-climax. Thank god I have jelly. 

Right, That’s quite enough of that. I am sufficiently ‘rocked out’ or whatever it is people with leather jackets say.

Tomorrow – in some sort of horrific awful turnaround – Justin Beiber and ‘A Boyband’ will be performing. And then Mary and Katie will be in a sing off together, and everyone will cry.  I CANNOT WAIT.



22 Nov

Welcome to this!




Our Top 8 will be taking part in :


Hard liquor and proverbial pinches of salt all round, then!

First of all, it’s time to look back at the The Eternal Shitfest of Life (Coincidently Susan Boyle’s autobiography is available in all good bookstores now!) that was last week where The Very Bad Thing Happened. Dermot O Leary twirls, so we are given the ability to look back in time. Last week was a shock. No one is safe any more. In conclusion – the final 8 contestants are going to be maimed, killed and possibly cooked. (I think I would take Wagner medium-rare) But don’t mind that now. First! Vague Music!

Look – Paul McCartney’s on the telly and everything. He wishes everyone the best of luck. N’aww, he really means that too. I’m sure everyone will do just fine, Paul. Let’s face the MUSIC. Yes, it is music. How do I know this? THEY JUST SAID IT WAS MUSIC.


Dannii looks delicious in a slender, chocolate dress. Cheryl has worn the wrappers.


Matt (probably) said how much he hates everything and Wagner this week in the press. Oh well, it’s a good thing the X Factor World doesn’t care about what the idle, bitter press think. (This information will become considerably more important, later when the X Factor care about what the idle, bitter press think) Matt has been put on first, due to his presumably fictional betrayal. And he’s singing Come Together, even though 95% of the Beatles’ back catalogue would have suited him more.

I don’t know why, but given the X Factor’s history with the song Come Together – X Factor are intent on it being a ferociously sexy little number. Is it…meant to be a sexy song? Yes, I know. Come Together. Yep, got that. Although I thought it was about the (I definitely did not Google) 1969 Calfornian governor election. Is that sexy? Oh alright.
“COME TOGETHER OVER ME”  Matt snarls in a sexy, “Yeah screw you, Regan!” manner.  He is singing like Christian Bale’s Batman voice , and as has probably never been mentioned up ’til this point – he is wearing a vest. This all makes me very anxious.

However, it is 100% better than Olly Murs’ version of the song last year because Matt Cardle is not Olly Murs. I warrant that as an excellent achievement.  GO ON MATT.


Continuing the ‘None of us are Olly Murs’ celebrations is Cher who is singing Imagine by Cheryl’s idea of the Beatles, apparently. I assume, once again she is ‘not familiar’. Bless her. She’s so lovably ignorant isn’t she? But doesn’t she have a nice smile? You know who else had a nice smile?


So how does Cher fair on the stairs? (Be sure to check out my Poetry Blog! *Ching!*) Brian has creatively directed her to sit on some stairs for the performance. This is explained away later as them alluding to a Stairway to Heaven. Is all necessary on Beatles Week? Shrug, nope you’re right – absolutely not. Cher sings – fine. It’s fine. It’s absolutely fine that Cher has now covered Tears for Fears, Shakespear’s Sister and John Lennon. That is all fine. Hmm. I’ve lost about 3 centimetres off my teeth. This too – is also fine.

Anyway, she is singing the song Imagine with none of that famous Katie Waissel vigour. Why isn’t she at least doing the Helter Skelter/99 Problems mash-up? Isn’t this what she is here for? And on top of the drabness of the song choice is the added Ultra drab white dress she is wearing. X Factor Logic truly is GCSE Media Studies – this is probably a way of giving off an air of purity in Cher’s performance. Oh, why bother? Just give her some 2Pac samples and send her on her merry, hip-hop way! God speed.
I am not looking forward to her single.



Let us now enjoy One Direction, who are like the opposites of the Elixir of Life. I’m 21, and I feel somewhat withered looking at Harry’s beautiful ringlets. One Direction are apparently singing a more stripped back version of their song choice (Which escapes me), with no gimmicks. Apart from the fact they – in themselves are one massive gimmick. Hmm, spiritual.
They are singing…ARGHHH OH GOD. OH GOD HARRY I LOVE YOU, or at least that’s what the lyrics sound like from the studio. That is cheating, that isn’t Beatles, unless it was during the more transgressive period. One Direction are the winners of X Factor 2010, btw. I do, oddly enough like them. It’s nothing to do with their singing, though. Hey – remember when Liam auditioned as a soloist and got the massive 10 minute Pimp Spot of the Audition stages, and now he shares his musical aspirations with Zain? I LOVE MUSIC.


The ‘Mania’ continues with Rebecca, who is singing Yesterday. She sings it out of tune. Looks nice, though.


Here’s a picture of a field.

Mmm. That’s nice.



“There’s SOMETHING about MARY!” Oh, my. How clever, Louis.
I love Something, it’s my favourite song  by the Beatles (That they have chosen this evening, at least – and I guess that wasn’t hard – seeing as one wasn’t actually a Beatles song, Yesterday’s the most covered song of all time, and Wagner’s singing an amalgam of the entire 60s) I especially like the Shirley Bassey version. I wonder if that will inspire Mary’s peformance somewhat. Oh look, I don’t even feel good about being right because the inevitability of this was too painstakingly obvious. I can’t even generate mild smugness. O Cruel World. This performance means nothing to me. Oh Vienna. In fact, I wish Midge Ure was here. Yes, I’m going to say that.  I like Mary. I like Shirley Bassey. I guess I like Debenhams’ Winter evening dress collection. But I’m just so tired.


No lame attempt at a ‘Let it be…Paije!’ intro from Dannii. Missed a trick there, I fear. But yeah, Let it Be is Paije’s song choice this evening, to go together with the other six of Paije’s not-so interesting soul songs from the Banks of Lacklustre. Paije sings very well. There is even an old fashioned choir. Hell to the Yeah to the What Am I Doing! This has been a very reminiscent X Factor series hasn’t it? All the classics of the days of X Factor Yore have returned to us. Shayne Ward! A Futile sense of despair!
That isn’t just another  name for Shayne Ward, btw.
So to sum up – I like Paije. He isn’t wearing Yellow though. Shame, that. Romeo dun.


Is Hippy Hippy Shake a Beatles song? Oh right yes, it doesn’t matter anymore. Much to my joy and confusion, Wagner continues to exist. I would just like to point out how absolutely delightful Wagner is looking in his younger years from the VT footage preceding his performance. I would very much like to kiss him, and perhaps offer him a favour! Will someone let me know when Wagner gets back to me on that? Cheers.
On to the performance itself, Wagner is STANDING ALONE BY HIMSELF singing Get Back. It aint half bad, you know. And more in tune than Rebecca and Cher. These are the facts. Get Back transcends into Hippy Hippy SHAKE IT WAGS, And then of course into Hey Jewy Jewy Jewy Jewy YOWWWW. Or something. God all mighty this is good. I am terrfied though, because I’m no longer sure if I’m being insincere. Or if I ever was. I’m very upset, actually. But empowered. I don’t know how to feel.

But Cheryl sure as hell does – and in the comments launches into a bit of an attack on ol’ Wags for being mean to her because she used to live in a Council Estate? X Factor World doesn’t read the papers though, does it? Don’t listen to the horrid, awful press! WHO EVEN IS GAMU ANYWAY? Oh, but no. Apparently – on this occasion, it is okay to make an exception. Wagner launches into a glorifying speech about how Cheryl is beautiful or something. Somehow, Cheryl is not moved by this quite touching and beautiful and elegant speech however, and the LOOK OF FROST almost certifies that Wagner will be in the Bottom 2 tomorrow doesn’t it? [Me from the future: “Heh.”]


Katie Waissel performing ‘Help’

This much is true. I almost forgot who she was for a moment! Have been reminded she is
Louis Walsh
Neil Buchannan from Art Attack
The Head from Art Attack
One of Neil Buchannan’s drawings from Art Attack

Nice singing, though. And hey! Just another shoutout to the lovely hair, which almost made me forget she had been in the bottom 2 four times, with 2 pimp spots, being put through despite forgetting lines, getting away with wearing rubbish false eyelashes twice, and using Cheryl Cole’s ‘kooky’ quota for the next six years. But, you know. Well done, and everything.



Absolutely no relevance to this post, but look at his little face.

Paije went away, forever.   Dermot announced his name with a shocked tone, even though it was not at all surprising, they have been trying to shift him for weeks. Cher went near Shakespear’s Sister AGAIN despite the restraining order, and all 16 finalists returned for a jaunty David Bowie singalong, which was in honour of ‘The Soldiers’ (I’m not being disrespectful). I’m all for making money for a good cause, but surely there are better ways to raise such funds than dressing all in white and turning to face a choir – singing a severely altered version of a David Bowie song? Couldn’t they just get Fiona Bruce to get her thighs out again or something? Also – excluded from the performance was Nicolo, Wagner, FYD  (WHO I HAD BEEN ON TENTERHOOKS TO SEE FOR SEVEN LONG BRUTAL WEEKS). This really doesn’t help confirm the rumours that they all die of Louis Walsh-related deaths, though.

THANKS FOR READING. (More likely, it was skimming, which I would probably encourage)